


Mad as a Lover

by albxnx



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Smut, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Thomas Jefferson/James Madison, Minor Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Minor Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Swearing, Victim Blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-05-28 10:41:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 58,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15047090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/albxnx/pseuds/albxnx
Summary: Jefferson comes home from France, happy to see his dear friend James Madison again.But when he meets his new coworker, Alexander Hamilton, Jefferson can’t help but notice the look of sheer pain in James’ eyes.Problem is, Hamilton’s eyes are, on the contrary, very attractive.Little did Thomas know that those same eyes will soon be the bearers of much torment for both himself and his “best friend” Madison...~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~AU in which presidential mandates are roughly 2 years longAbsolutely not historically accurateMessy timeline (tried my best lol but I wanted it to be close to the musical’s fluidity)Read at your own risks (Rape/Swearing/Angst)THIS WORK IS NOT A RAPE APOLOGY (BIG FAT NO ON THIS)





	1. Prologue/Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jefferson is coming home, glad to see Madison again.  
> He also meets his new opponent, the mesmerizing Alexander Hamilton.

Five long years. It had been five long years since he left his dear Virginia to work as an ambassador in France. He had bid goodbye to a luxurious yet oppressed country, but was about to meet a free and truly "American" nation. His stomach twisted. 

God he hated ship travelling. 

Or maybe was he simply nervous about coming home? 

 

 _I wonder if things will really be that different..._ , he thought aloud, his fluffy hair beaten by the sea wind.

 

_Anyway I can still ask James if I'm lost._

 

James. His dear old James. He sure missed him a lot. They were best friends since Lord knows how long. 

 

 _I wonder if he did grow up a bit,_ he chuckled to himself.

It was true that his friend James Madison had always been... very small. As in really, really small. He was at least one head and a half below him. Maybe two heads. He couldn't remember exactly...

 

“Excuse me, sir...hum...”

A small boy was nervously standing behind him, holding a newspaper in his right hand and presenting his left one.

“Jefferson. Thomas Jefferson”, he smiled.

The little boy seemed startled.

“You... You are...THE Thomas Jefferson ?”

“I sure am”, laughed the tall Virginian, taking a piece of 1$ out of his pocket. “Here you go lil' one.”

The newspaper boy barely made a sound and handed the paper, mumbling a tiny "thank you" before stepping away quickly, flustered.

Jefferson took a glance at the front cover.

 

**THOMAS JEFFERSON IS COMING HOME**

 

“Ahah I guess I'm still as popular as ever !”

                      *****

"I'm off to NY then ! Bye Sally !"

 

That was it. Jefferson had barely touched Virginia's ground when duty called him to the capital. Washington needed him to be Secretary of State. Great, at least he did not have to worry about finding a job.

The carriage was too slow. He definitely couldn't wait to complain about it to James... 

He tried to focus on this afternoon's meeting. In his letter, Washington told him about a cabinet assembly that he would have to go through along with his friend, so he was pretty excited to know for sure that he was going to see him again soon. Too bad the issue on the table that day was something insane about a National Bank or whatever the hell it was... A certain Alexander Hamilton's idea. Who was even this little bastard ? Coming out of nowhere to steal Virginian money.... 

A mischievous smile made its way to his lips while he rested his chin on his hand in a snobbish way. He was going to DESTROY that Hamilton guy along with his pal Jemmy James. No one touches their great Virginia...

 

The carriage abruptly stopped and Jefferson, taken aback, almost slammed his face on the bench in front of him. Restoring his balance, he found himself relieved to notice that he was the only one in the carriage. Eating a carriage's seat was probably on the not-to-do list to be respected as a Secretary of State. 

 

He passed a hand through his locks and stepped off, straight and proud, hands on his shiny cane. Fresh air felt so much better when he wasn't on a boat, swinging one side to another on the waves.

“Goodbye dear sir”, smiled the carriage's driver before leading his horses back on the road.

Thomas shot him a death glare, still angry that he almost fell - and maybe DIED, because of his stupid carriage. However the old man didn't seem to notice his menacing eyes, which frustrated Jefferson. He was about to go tell this moron what he was thinking about his driving skills, in his own "very reasonable" way of course, when a low throat clearing caught his attention.

He turned around to notice a small man in a smart grey suit standing a few feet away from him. The guy held a white coton tissue to his mouth to cover an occasional coughing, and he stared straight at him with this annoyed yet soft look that Thomas knew so well.

“Well if it isn't my old friend James Madison ! Red in the face, as always !”

He opened his arms in an exaggeratedly wide way and stepped closer to the tiny man. Madison coughed and waited for him, his reproaching gaze quickly turning into a calm but genuinely glad expression.

Thomas didn't hesitate and put his long arms around Madison's shoulders, who bent a bit due to the weight of the tallest man who was now basically resting on him.

“Say Jemmy James, if you look at me with such crimson cheeks, I'm really going to think I found the reason why you never ever had a girlfriend.”

The curly Virginian winked stupidly, proud of his humor.

James said nothing but frowned, making it clear that he wasn't going to fall in his trap. But Jefferson wasn't going to give up on attempting to annoy his best friend. Oh hell no he wasn't... 

He placed his head just in front of Madison's face and smiled innocently:

“I'm disappointed, while our government's size increased with the arrival of this Hamilton dude, you still desperately look like a child.”

This time Madison cracked a small smile, raising his brow, and chuckled:

“Really Thomas ? You still think size-shaming me is funny ? I may have remained "moderately" tall but you sure didn't grow up a lot either... "inside" if you see what I mean...”

 

 _Oh._ Well. That was new. Jemmy James was speaking back. Well well well then... _War it was._

 

He stood back, now being one whole head taller than Madison, and put his hands on his hips.

“First of all, size-shaming is a stupid word you invented to make me feel bad about "slightly" teasing you. And secondly, how dare you ? I'm Secretary of State now, you owe me respect and loyalty.”

 

Saying this, he bent over just enough to stare at his friend in the eyes while keeping his height advantage. Madison didn't move, an almost invisible smile remaining on his lips. In his eyes were dancing small hints of amusement, while he put his chin a bit higher to show that he was not at all impressed by Thomas's performance. 

 

Suddenly he seemed to remember something important, and he grabbed his arm.

“What's going on ?” Thomas responded, a bit surprised by the sudden look of concern in his friend's eyes.

“Thomas we are engaged in a battle for our nation's very soul”, he said sternly. “Can you help us out of the mess we're in ?”

“Hey it's my role to be the melodramatic one,” the other groaned, crossing is arms.

Madison didn't bother answering him and grabbed his arm again, staring eagerly into his eyes with his dark, soft and deep gaze. Thomas flushed; since when has James had the ability to look so fragile and yet so grave at the same time ?

“Hamilton's new financial plan is nothing more than government control. I've been fighting for the South alone...”

He sounded so mad and desperate, that Jefferson felt his stomach twist with anger. Whoever was this Hamilton, he already hated him.

Madison took a few steps back and looked back at him with eyes full of reproach. 

"Where have you been ?" he asked bitterly.

James had such a dark gaze that Thomas felt completely clueless.

“Uh... France ?” he stuttered, unsure.

 

_Oh well done Jeff... So smooth..._

 

Madison rolled his eyes, and pinched his nose, his way of saying _yes-I-know-dumbass-you've-kind-of-been-there-for-five-years._

“We have to win” he finally concluded, turning around to head to the stairs of the Congress.

Thomas felt really bad. He had disappointed his friend. But five years was a big period, he was not going to let stupid-Hamilton ruin their first encounter in a while. Yes, because it was obviously the fault of this guy, who annoyed the hell out of his friend while he was away. And he knew by experience that Madison was a really patient person. Like, really patient.

 

“Soooo... What'd I miss ?” he innocently asked, joining James, who was slowly climbing the stairs because of his coughing.

“How about everything ?”

“Owww c'mon Jemmy James...”

“Don't call me that, someone might hear us...”

“Awww you wanna keep this lil' secret between us ? How cute...”

“Shut up, Thomas, we are at our workplace, be reasonable.”

 

Yeah he had forgotten about Madison's seriousness. This guy was the most patient, calm, yet passionate person he knew. He had strong beliefs, but a soft voice. Jefferson was his "political" voice. He had always been. Madison's the brain. He thinks, thinks again, gives the ideas to Thomas, listens to Thomas' ideas, evaluates, analyses, compares... He was the brain and reason behind Jefferson's unstoppable plans and ideas. Jefferson had the charisma of an orator. He didn't hesitate to speak his mind, and to spill blood and sweat into his speeches. Apart they were incredibly skilled politicians, but together they were the ultimate team, Virginia's finest thinkers.

“I wonder what that Hamilton looks like...”

“You'll see soon enough...”

“Can't you just hurry up ?”

“You know I can't or I'll be coughing up blood on your sparkling and perfect purple suit...”

“Ughh... but thank you for noticing that it is perfect. I chose it myself.”

“I thought you went to France to improve your diplomatic skills, but you still can't detect sarcasm or irony...”

“Hey I will leave you to your slow stairs-climbing if you continue !”

“Oh don't even think about me, go on.”

“Na, I'm staying.”

 

He hadn't seen him in five years. Moreover, in a few minutes, he was going to meet the man who would most likely become his greatest opponent, so he needed alone time with his calm and soothing friend. The day was going to be long...

And also, he had never left James behind because of his health state. Even in primary school, when James was left alone and laughed at by the other kids for walking slowly or never running, Jefferson would stay with him. That was the promise he made to him the day they decided they would change the world together. James would offer him ideas and ways to succeed, while Jefferson had promised that no matter how excited he was to lead his country, he would always wait for him. They were in this together, they would pass success' threshold together.

 

Speaking of threshold, they had barely closed the Congress' door behind them that Washington came in from a door to the right, a bright smile on his chubby face.

“Mister Jefferson, welcome home !”

Immediately, Jefferson went to shake his hand. He noticed a small guy, taller than James though, who was following the President. He had medium brown hair falling to his shoulders, and a short beard similar to Thomas's. His eyes were looking straight at him, full of intelligence, combativeness and excitement.

Thomas saw James moving quietly to his side. He took a quick glimpse to his face and saw that he was staring at the stranger with eyes full of disdain, anger, disgust...and pain ?

But Jefferson didn't have enough time to think further, because the said stranger walked to him and shook rudely his hand, staring dead in his eyes. 

“Mister Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton.”

 

He had a soft voice.

Jefferson felt his cheeks heating a little, unable to process correctly. On his right, his friend James looked very upset. A few feet in front of him stood the president George Washington, smiling.

And immediately in front of him, very, very close to him, an immigrant with daring brown eyes... Alexander Hamilton.

 

That's it. The terrible, stupid guy that his best friend James Madison despised. The one who wanted to ruin his dear old Virginia.

 

Well, shit...

 

“Come on”, called Washington, who was now standing in front of the doors of a room. “We have a cabinet meeting to go through.”

Hamilton let go of his hand and turned around to follow the President, without even looking back. Jefferson remained motionless for a few seconds. Madison stayed with him, while he regained his mind. His friend's calm expression was tainted with concern. His dark eyes met his and he felt the heat of shame inside his chest when he realized he was folded onto himself, almost panting. He stood up and suddenly Madison seemed less..."dominant".

“Why are you s-staring like that ? I... I'm fine... Hum...”

Damn he had totally forgotten why he was standing here, next to his best friend, in the hall of the Congress, cheeks reddened.

“So hum... wha... What'd I miss ?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first chapter is up ??
> 
> This is more of a prologue cause it’s quite short hehe
> 
> So hum enjoy the fluff while you can XD
> 
> Oh and well I don’t know a lot of things about American government so there will be a lot of inaccuracies... Just don’t hesitate to tell me if it really bugs you !
> 
> I’ll try to fit in as many quotes as possible so stay focused lol 
> 
> Next chapter tomorrow !!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jefferson faces Hamilton during his first cabinet meeting.

“The issue on the table: Secretary Hamilton's plan to assume state debt and establish a national bank. Secretary Jefferson, you have the floor, sir.”

 

Thomas took a deep breath. He closed his eyes, and began reciting his speech naturally.

 

“Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness...”

The Declaration of Independence. His declaration. First things first he had to show this Hamilton who was the boss in there.

 

 _Him_. He, Thomas Jefferson, was America's boss.

He was not scared of a little immigrant whose only purpose was to steal Virginian money.

Feeling confident enough, Thomas turned around and met Madison's eyes, still delivering his speech like any professional orator would. The small man was standing a few feet behind him, arms crossed and chin up, a smirk on his face.

That was it, Maddy's signal.

Whenever he did that devilish smile while looking into Thomas' eyes, there was only one reason: they were going to win.

 

_Okay, time to finish that little bastard._

 

Ready as ever, Jefferson turned back, facing Hamilton with his usual sassy smile. However, his lips quickly failed him, and he barely managed to continue his speech.

Hamilton was sitting at his desk, chin resting on his joined hands. He wore a neutral and calm expression, but his brown eyes were boiling with rage. He seemed so focused on Jefferson's speech that he didn't bother brushing away his wild locks.

Thomas was struck by the anger and determination radiating from his opponent. He felt his skin burning, and his palms sweating. The atmosphere suddenly seemed heavy around him.

 

As naturally as possible, Jefferson broke this mesmerizing eye contact and sought the comforting gaze of his best friend. Surprisingly, he must have had managed to keep a calm behavior, for James' mischievous grin hadn't left his face.

 

Thomas felt so relieved that he had to fight back a huge sigh, and puffed his chest out for one final blow.

 

"Look when Britain taxed our tea we got frisky. Imagine what's gonna happen when you try to tax our wisky..."

 

He felt James sliding closer to him. That was their moment of pure glory. As natural as ever, he reached out his right arm, and dramatically passed his left hand through his hair.

Their cooperation was perfect. The silence that followed this demonstration of magnificent symbiose was only broken by Hamilton's throat clearing.

 

“Thomas, that was a real nice declaration. Welcome to the present we're running a real nation...”

 

The guy started spitting his rage at him, swapping between "okay-ish" arguments and completely childish insults. Jefferson was speechless, he couldn't take his eyes off him. The way he criticized Virginians, his ironical mimics and gestures, his annoying high-pitched voice... Jefferson wanted to slam his face against a wall.

And he knew by the way he was fulminating next to him that Madison would gladly help him reaching his goal...

 

And yet, no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't give him a disgusted sigh, nor shoot him a death glare. He could do nothing but stare into the emotional storm that was raging inside Alexander Hamilton's amber eyes.

He finally managed to snap out of his hypnotized state when the said eyes suddenly began to move towards him, before taking a turn to his right side. Jefferson followed the gaze, and realized that Hamilton was getting amazingly close to Madison's face. His friend was tensed, his jaw tightly strained and his fists trembling. As opposed to Hamilton's daring eyes, James' were darker than ever, as if two black holes were shooting lightenings at the young immigrant. Jefferson had never seen his friend in such a state.

 

He finally managed to focus on Hamilton's words:

“Madison you're mad as a hatter, son, go take your medicine. Damn you're in worse shape than the national debt is in.”

 

To give strength to his speech, Hamilton pushed Madison's chest several times, making him take a few steps backwards. The two small guys were glaring at each other, their chins as high as they could manage.

Jefferson, however, caught the slight shimmer of distress that lightened his friend's gaze for a microsecond. Of course, Madison remained the smallest one and he had quickly realized that he had no chance of winning this staring duel.

 

Thomas decided to step in, but as he was reaching for Hamilton's shoulder, the Caribbean guy turned back swiftly, startling him.

Damn those brown eyes...

 

"Sittin' there useless as two shits. Hey turn 'round, bend over I'll show you where my shoe fits !"

 

Having said this, he stepped back and gave them the "fuck" sign.

Jefferson's whole body tensed; he began to walk towards Hamilton, determined to make him pay for humiliating both Madison and him.

 

But Washington was faster. He stepped in between the two boiling long-haired guys.

 

“Excuse me ? Madison, Jefferson, take a walk. Hamilton, take a walk. We’ll reconvene after a brief recess.”

The President's eyes shot a warning glare at Jefferson and he knew there was no talking back.

 

“Hamilton ?”

“Sir !”

“A word.”, the general commanded darkly.

 

Hamilton closed his mouth and faced the ground. Washington walked past him and exited the room, while he remained motionless a few more seconds.

Madison stood next to Jefferson, and crossed his arms behind his back. His face was expressionless, but his voice was filled with a mix of self-control and satisfaction.

 

“You don't have the votes.”

“Yeah you don't have the votes”, added Thomas in a sassy voice. “Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha !”

He pulled his tongue out to Hamilton, but the man shot him a heinous look and Jefferson had to avert his gaze, his cheeks burning.

Hamilton said nothing, fulminating, and walked off the room too. Before he got out, Madison concluded.

 

“You're gonna need congressional approval and you don't have the votes.”

Hamilton slammed the door.

 

Satisfied with himself, the chubby Virginian turned to face Jefferson, a small smile on his lips.

 

“Great job there”, he said, placing an hand on his shoulder. “Washington's on our side on that one.”

Thomas remained silent, lost in his thoughts.

 

“Hey... you alright ?”

“Oh ! Yeah yeah don't worry !” he stuttered suddenly. “That was an easy task to warm me up after my French vacations hehe !”

 

He must have sounded fake, because Madison was obviously not buying it.

 

_Damnit after all those years he still finds ways to understand what I'm thinking about !_

 

Jefferson tried to put on his best melodramatic face and sighed, resting his elbow on his little friend's head.

“Haaa... such a blunder sometimes it makes me wonder why I even bring the thunder...”

He tugged one of his locks around his finger and waited for Madison's answer.

The deep black eyes of his friend were scanning his, and he felt his face heating up under the soft and concerned look. Finally, James chuckled briefly and sighed too, mimicking his own voice.

 

“Why you even bring the thunder...”

“Are you making fun of me, Jemmy James ?”

“I'm not.”

“You are.”

“Then why do you ask ?”

“That was rhetorical...”

“Ow what a witty man I'm impressed.”

“You are ?”

“No.”

“Awww I'm sure you are Jemmy James....”

“We're still at work, Thomas.”

“Alright alright...”

 

There was an awkward silence afterwards. They both stared at the utterly interesting walls of the room. After a while, Jefferson tried to lighten the mood:

 

“So... how come you hate that Hamilton guy ?”

Madison tensed and his eyes darkened.

_Shit._

 

“Don't tell me you like him ?”

Thomas hold back a gasp, taken aback.

 

“Wh... What do you mean ?”

Madison looked up and raised a brow.

 

“Do you really think he is a nice person ?”

 _Oh_. Okay so not "like" in that kind of way....

 

“Of course not !” he exclaimed, genuinely shocked. “He is a little show-off, a true loud mouth bother ! Look at him insulting Virginia, your health and mimicking my movements ! This guy is a massive pain...”

Madison nodded silently. Thomas said nothing. He genuinely hated Alexander Hamilton. The guy was desperate to rise above his station. He insulted Madison's health, which was something that drove Jefferson mad.

Yes, that Hamilton was a son of a wh*re...

Madison started walking.

 

“Do you have a place to stay at tonight ?”

Thomas said nothing.

 

_Aw shit... I knew I forgot something._

 

He was so excited to kick the new guy's ass with his best friend that he had forgotten to rent some accommodation.

 

“Well actually....”

Madison chuckled, which made him have a short but strong coughing fit.

God that Hamilton was a true as**ole for making fun of the fragile health of his dear James.

Madison regained his calm and looked over his shoulder, his soft eyes lighted with amusement.

 

“I guess that you can finally make good use of your personal room...”

“Ohhh that's true I totally forgot I had a special room in your house”, suddenly realized Jefferson.

 

He then smirked.

“I bet you haven't washed the sheets in five years to keep my scent on them...”

“Actually I haven't opened the room in five years...to "escape" your scent.”

“Awwww Jemmy James why are you like that ?” whined the fluffy haired man.

 

He dramatically proceeded to sprawl himself on his friends back, resting his chin on his head and putting his arms around his shoulders. He faked a few sniffles, while Madison patiently waited for the tall guy to release him. There was no fighting back, considering the height difference...

Jefferson then whispered in his ears:

 

“Don't worry I can understand it was painful for you to live with my subjugating scent in your house while I was an ocean away...”

Madison shook his shoulders, and Jefferson let go of him, still smirking. James sighed, but his lips were tugged in a slightly embarrassed smile.

He remained silent and walked to the door, when Hamilton reappeared.

Jefferson frowned, and protectively stood right next to Madison, hands in his pockets. This guy had hurt his friend. This guy was his loud and self-centered opponent. He hated him.

Hamilton looked closely at both of them. A smirk placed itself upon his face.

 

“I heard you talking about a room in Mister Madison's house...”

The two friends tensed. Their flirty conversations were a normal part of their friendship, but could be easily misunderstood by strangers.

 

“Yeah”, said Jefferson in the smoothest way he could manage to. “And so what ?”

“Nothing,” Hamilton laughed innocently. “I just thought you'd have higher standards.”

 

He had spoken with a sweet yet low voice, inclining is chin to the ground and raising is brow in a daring and seductive way.

 

Thomas flushed, both from anger and... something else. Those eyes really had an effect on him.

Next to him, Madison remained silent, quite calm compared to earlier.

“Well,” laughed Hamilton, faking a stretching. “I should head back home. Have a "nice" evening, gentlemen. Oh and again,” he added, “it was nice meeting you, Thomas.”

“That's "Mister Jefferson" to you, Hamilton...” grumbled the tall Virginian.

Madison took a quick glance at him, scanning his face. Hamilton did not react. He kept a bright smile on his face. But as he left the room, Jefferson could still see the daring and seductive look he wore.

Damn those eyes...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First Cabinet Battle is done. So I'll try to follow the musical as much as possible with the modifications brought by this AU.
> 
> So apparently some people are confused because of the tags, so let me tell you that the main ship is Jeffmads, with side Lams and Mulette.
> 
> Should I change the tags though ?? I already changed the title cause it might have confused some lolol
> 
> Lyrics belong to Lin-Manuel Miranda ofc
> 
> The angst begins next chapter. Brace yourselves (well it's not real angst yet but oh well be prepared)
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting on my previous chapter and see you tomorrow !!! :)) (I take constructive criticism btw)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jefferson makes himself at home at James'. His smile drops upon a terrible discovery...

“I just can't believe you actually left my room in such a state for five years !”

Jefferson was standing in the middle of a huge bedroom, wide-eyed and hands cupped around his face in an utterly shocked gesture. The said room was beautifully decorated with a few paintings, and a gigantic king-sized bed stood next to one of the walls. The main color was grey, Madison's favorite color, except for the completely purple curtains. Jefferson had had to beg him for at least a month to finally get those installed. Yeah, because James was not really fond of purple actually...

But as of this day, the room was an absolute mess: dust covered goods and spider webs hanging in a few corners.

 

“Actually, that is _my_ house, so it is _my_ room too”, smirked the small Virginian, leaning against the door.

 

Jefferson turned back, speechless. He blinked a few times, analyzing Madison's words, then smiled.

 

“Awww of course it's your house Jemmy James ! If you wanted this room to remain in your possession you only had to ask and I'd have given you a little bit of space next to me...”

“This room has always been in my possession Thomas, and it still is. Beside, I just thought it would be good for you to practice a bit your cleaning skills. See I heard your Lafayette friend was a quite wealthy man, and I assumed he offered you little French maids to clean up your mess. Now you're back to America, a self-created country; the break's over, and you should put your mind back at work.”

 

Jefferson stood straight, sniffing in an overly exaggerated way, and walked towards Madison. He leaned down so that his face was on the same level as his. James kept his chin up, arms crossed and a sneaky smile on his lips.

 

“Say Jemmy James, you don't seem to realize I am the most powerful one here.”

“Say who ?” Madison scoffed.

“Firstly I am taller....”

“Sweet Jesus...”

“Secondly I'm the Secretary of State...”

“Oh yeah you must be so bright...”

“I am !”

“Ahah, it never came across your mind that someone helped you get the job ?”

Jefferson stood up and took a few steps back, slightly surprised. Madison remained smirking.

 

“What do you mean ?”

“Who is it that talked about you to Washington when he was seeking to assemble a state cabinet ?”

 

Thomas said nothing, thoughtful.

 

“Honestly Thomas, you were in France, you couldn't prove your worth to Washington there. He didn't even know when you were coming back. So I reminded him about you, and how you could help this new nation. Of course he already knew you well, so convincing him hasn't been really hard, but still, I helped.”

 

If Thomas were to explain what he felt at that moment, he couldn't have been able to convey his thoughts in a great enough way to express his feelings. Madison had talked about him to the President, praising him and his work. Even an ocean away, the two brilliant politicians were never apart: their team never ceased to exist.

 

Jefferson took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

 

“Maddy...”

James raised his brow.

 

“What ?”

Thomas approached him slowly, eyes still closed and hands in his pockets.

 

“Sooo....”

Madison tensed. His friend had something in mind...

Jefferson finally reached him, and put his elbow on the little one's head, resting his chin on his hand.

 

“...did ya convince the President by praising my good looks and flirting skills or wha' ?”

 

Madison sighed, closing his eyes and smiling softly.

 

“Of course.”

“I knew it.”

“Of course you did.”

“So you finally decided to agree with me instead of using sarcasm for once ?”

 

Thomas was smirking, but Madison was smirking harder, his eyes full of mischief.

 

“In fact Thomas, by showing such reasoning skills you just demonstrated the reason why I chose to talk about your physical appearance to Washington instead of your "bright" intellect...”

 

 _Oh_... So he _was_ being sarcastic...

 

But Jefferson wasn't going to let him go so easily.

 

“Did you just confess that you found my body beautiful enough to convince George Washington ?”

“I did confess that I use a great deal of sarcasm in my argumentation, if that's all the same to you.”

“You didn't answer me...”

“I did actually.”

Jefferson stepped back with a pout on his face, and Madison burst out laugh-coughing. Finally, Jefferson uncrossed his arms, threw himself on Madison's shoulders, and whined.

 

“Awww Jemmy James you know my head hurts too much because of the jet lag and I can't think straight...”

“Poor you... Follow me downstairs, I'll make you a cup of tea.”

“I'd rather have some booze...”

“To soothe a headache ?”

“No, to forget you being so mean to me...”

“Oh so you did understand my sarcasm...”

“Just make me some tea I'll be fine.”

Madison chuckled, proud of himself, and walked to his kitchen, followed by a frustrated Jefferson.

 

“You can visit or take a seat in the living room while I prepare everything if you want”, James told him over his shoulder, already looking for his ingredients.

 

Jefferson nodded and left the kitchen. The living room was twice as big as his room, and twice as grey. In fact, Madison had chosen semi-opaque curtains, which only allowed a thin amount of sunshine to lighten the room. Still, the atmosphere was really sober and dark. Perfectly Madison's type.

 

_This guy never changed._

 

Jefferson suddenly noticed his friend's office door, and he couldn't resist the temptation to visit it.

The office was even more grey. It was much smaller than his room, neat and well organized. In the center stood a tiny desk, with well folded piles of papers.

 

_Oh god how can he be so naturally professional ?_

 

Jefferson was more of a natural. Just natural.

 

He proceeded to look through Madison's files, and his eyes got caught by a yellowish pile of letters, which were in a quite pathetic state. The letters were torn on some edges, and it seemed like someone just stepped on them and squished them multiple times. Totally not Madison's style.

 

Curious, Jefferson opened the package. He did not truly feel bad, because James had never really cared about him taking part into his social or private life. Thomas wasn't sure if it was because he trusted him enough to tolerate his nosiness, or because Madison simply accepted the fact that there was no "stopping Thomas Jefferson's investigations".

 

Anyway, he was quite surprised to find poorly conserved letters in his so organized friend' stuff. A bit nervous, he called:

“Hey Jemmy James, when are you going to clean up my room by the way ?”

“I'm not, I told y... Hey your voice seems far away, where are you ?”

“Hum... Living room, I think.”

“You think ?”

“Well considering it's dark as hell in it I would rather call it a dying room or something like that but yeah I'm pretty sure it's your living room.”

 

He heard him chuckle. Good. He had time now.

 

Jefferson opened the latest letter, considering that they were all at least dated, and looked at the name of the person who had sent it.

_Yours sincerely,_

_A. Ham_

 

Thomas' whole body tensed up. Why the hell did that little son of a whore send a letter to James ? For what he had seen, they hated each other. He kept on reading, his hand sweating a little.

_Dearest Mister Madison,_

_Your assistance during the writing of the Federalist Papers was more than appreciated, both by me and, I can affirm without any doubt, by the whole nation. After Mister Jay's abandon, I was more than glad to see your strong presence and investment. As of today, you wrote exactly 29 essays. I'm impressed, I didn't think someone with such a poor physical health could make it this far._

 

What ?

What the frick did he just say ?

 

_However, I must warn you that this is not enough. I, myself, have written exactly 50 essays, and I have almost completed another one. See, I understand your health is an important issue, but considering the current situation, I only feel it my duty to remind you that the nation needs strong leading figures. I indeed expect you to produce another essay by the end of the month. The Constitution will only get stronger. May I kindly remind you of course, that considering the absence of your political partner Thomas Jefferson, I am unable to offer you an orator role. In fact, the only task in which you can currently provide satisfying results is essay writing. I cannot stress it enough that Mister President Washington cannot accept an useless member in its cabinet. Indeed, your position in this cabinet is utterly important, for as I understood, you are wishing to remain in Washington's favors to ensure the place of Secretary of State to your friend Thomas Jefferson when he returns to America. It would be indeed a shame if someone were to remind the President that your utility is debatable considering the absence of your orator friend._

 

_Yours sincerely,_

_A. Ham_

 

There were little dried stains on the paper.

 

Full of anger, Jefferson quickly took a glance at a few other letters. Same writing, same yellow paper, same insulting words, threatening James to be ejected from the Congress if he didn't help writing the Federalist Papers...

 

 _Hamilton_. That guy abused his friend. He was going to to pay for it.

 

“Thomas ?”

Taken aback, Jefferson saw that Madison was watching him from the threshold. His eyes were full of distress and sadness.

Thomas shook his head, his throat tightened by pain.

 

“So that's the price you paid to get me to Congress...”

“Thomas, it's fine don't worry I was never afraid of him. Those are just words he...”

“It is _not_ okay, Madison !”

 

His eyes were shooting lightenings, and he spoke in a low menacing voice. James kept quiet; Jefferson never called him by his last name for no reason.

 

“He abused you ! Look at the number of letters !”

“Hamilton writes a lot you know...”

“It could have gone on for a much longer time !”

“I stopped answering him and talked about you to Washington as soon as I heard you were coming back. As soon as the President knew you would be there, he had no reason refusing my demand, and I couldn't care less about being kicked out of Congress anymore.”

 

Jefferson was speechless. His friend was way too selfless. He hated it.

 

“What do you mean you couldn't care less ? "Changing the world together", you remember ? It's you and I leading America ! Not just me !”

 

Madison said nothing. Fulminating, Jefferson rushed past him towards the front door.

“Where are you going ?”

“Kicking Hamilton's ass !”

“Thomas you should not...”

 

He didn't hear what Madison added. Thomas was already on his way, ready to show Hamilton what it was like to be destroyed.

That guy mentally ruined his best friend. He saw it. He saw the tears' stains on the last letter James received. This guy gave everything he had within him to keep smiling and fighting for him to achieve his dream. He was going to murder Hamilton.

 

The road leading to the bastard's house was long, but Jefferson spent it rehearsing his speech and remembering his best fighting stances.

 

Arrived in front of Hamilton's house, he was sweating and tensed, but calmer. He had to remain polite just in case it was his wife Elizabeth who opened the door.

He knocked and the wooden plank flew open a few moments later, revealing the rigid face of Hamilton. His eyes were still ignited by that daring sparkle that drove Thomas mad. He felt his face heating up a bit more than it already was.

 

“Mister Jefferson, what brings you to my house ?” Hamilton asked with a smirk, his brow raised.

“You... How did you dare doing this to Madison ?”

“I don't know what you mean sir.”

“Oh yes you do. I found the letters.”

“I see.”

 

Both of them stayed quiet, not knowing what to say. Jefferson was breathing heavily, but Hamilton remained stone-faced, absolutely not apologetic.

This guy should be begging for his mercy. Why didn't he seem to realize in what awful position he was ?

 

Thomas repressed the weird feeling that overwhelmed him each time Hamilton's eyes met his, and spat in between his tightened teeth.

 

“Are your wife and children home ?”

“No, they went upstate with my sister and father in law for the summer. I couldn't join them though, because I have to take my plan to congress.”

 

He had a reproaching tone in his voice, as if he blamed Jefferson for the failure of his stupid and manipulative plan.

Thomas could barely restrain himself from his desire to grab his neck and twist it.

 

“We have to talk”, he growled in a low and dark voice.

Hamilton crossed his arms, and stepped aside, implicitly inviting him inside his house.

 

“Then let's talk”, he smirked.

 

  


 

 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey !! Thank you for reading ~~
> 
> I know that Washington, Madison and Jefferson knew each other very well historically speaking, but this is an AU hehe... So forgive me, for the sake of the plot lol
> 
> The angst and hard stuff begin next chapter. I'll put a warning but be prepared !!
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave comments, kudos, or to tell me if anything bugs you !
> 
> Hugs~~~~


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jefferson has a "talk" with Hamilton.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Rape attempt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Rape attempt
> 
> Read at your own risks

Jefferson was sitting in Hamilton's living room, his jaw stiff and his whole body tensed. The dumbass was in front him, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin on his hands, a smirk across the face. Oh Thomas wanted to punch him so badly...

"So...tell me" Hamilton finally said while straightening up in his chair "What is it you wanted to tell me about your dear friend Madison ?”

“Why ?"

Hamilton seemed slightly taken aback by the harsh tone in Thomas's voice. In fact Jefferson was almost shaking out of rage, his hands curled into tight fists and his eyes as dark as a raven's feathers.

Finally, Hamilton chuckled.

"Why what, Thomas ?”

“Again that's Mister Jefferson to you.”

“Yeah I got it now... So ? What happened ?"

Jefferson took a deep breath to regain his calm and think about what to say. He needed to be smart if he wanted to humiliate Hamilton to the point where Madison would be avenged.

"Why did you blackmail Madison to get him to write the Federalist Papers ?”

“Oh it's only that ?

“Only THAT ?" Thomas snapped, getting up.

He quickly calmed down and sat back, not wanting to show weakness to his opponent. However, he knew he kind of already did, and a bitter feeling tightened his throat.

Indeed Hamilton crossed his arms and smirked. He knew he had an advantage.

"It is quite simple. See a month into the essay writing we had spent quite a while together and he began to open up a bit. Not so much, I guess you must know that he is a silent and shy person, not very confiding"

Thomas remained still, lost in his thoughts, but smiled at Hamilton's words. Yes he knew his best friend well enough to know that Madison was a "stay in his world" person. Gratefully enough, Jefferson was a part of James's little world, and he had a quite large "access" to his friend's feelings.

"Nevertheless, he told me about you, about his hopes to get you to congress so that both of you could help building our new nation. He was seeking to contact President Washington as soon as he could. I simply told him I knew him well, and proposed to talk to him about your case. You should have seen him; he was so grateful he promised to return the favor. I only reminded him of his own words.”

“What do you mean ?”

“Well you see, the plan was to write a total of twenty five essays, divided amongst the three of us. A few months after the beginning of our writings, Madison had almost completed his task, but John Jay left us with barely a quarter of his job done. So I had to ask him to write more essays. But see, winter came, and his health state was pathetic. He told me he would try to work but that "he could not promise anything". So I had to remind him that I could tell Washington that maybe it was not the best option to give this much power to two men who strongly depend on each other when one of them is not very reliable because of his health. See, our country needs strong leaders to grow wealthier and...”

“You bast-...."

Thomas prevented himself from saying more by biting his tongue. He had to remain calm. Still, the way Hamilton spat on his friend's health made him want to rip his hair off.

"Why... W...We do not depend on each other...”

“Oh yes you do" laughed Hamilton, "He needs you to be heard just as much as you need him to clarify your nonsense"

Stay calm, Thomas... _Stay calm_...

"After my first letter, he tried to work as efficiently as before, but his health state decreased. It was a shame really... I had to correct all of his essays - which were fewer than before though, because he kept making stupid mistakes. He wrote less, and started sending me letters begging me to leave him to rest during winter, saying that with the return of spring he'll be in better mind and body shape. But the nation could not wait. So I sent him a few more letters to "cheer him up" !"

This man was despicable.

"Eventually, he heard from one of my fellow congressmen that Washington was thinking about hiring you, but had no information concerning your whereabouts. Apparently, Madison chose the occasion to stop writing my essays and told Washington that he knew you. The President decided to give him his chance, and he then got to convince him about your case. I was strongly against this idea of course: accepting an audience with a congressman from lower status so quickly was very unprofessional in my opinion, and probably not the best idea. And I can see that I was right again because here you are, the mighty "Secretary of State" Thomas Jefferson !"

Jefferson snapped and got up, pointing him by his trembling finger.

"You used him ! You abused him ! He tried his best to help you and your stupid papers and you let him down ! You had a deal with him !”

“And I was going to respect my engagement as soon as I considered his job done...”

“He had more than done his job ! He wrote twenty nine fucking essays !”

“And I wrote fifty one, without ever complaining about it...”

“That's cause you're a fucking idiot !"

Thomas knew it was a poor argument. He also understood that Hamilton was in fact not stupid: he was very intelligent and hardworking. Still, that didn't keep him from being an asshole.

He stood still, ready to smack his face.

Hamilton raised a brow, clearly faking his astonishment.

"Me ? An idiot ? You are the idiotic one by believing Madison only tried to help you.”

“What do you mean ?"

Hamilton sighed, a superior look on his face.

"You seriously thought Madison was a sweet angel trying his best to make you happy even though you were having fun getting high with the French ? My poor fellow, he wanted to use you too. To reach power himself."

He was lying. He was faking it.

"Madison was very aware of his flaws, and he knew you were the only one who could ensure a place to the congress for him. If you were accepted there, he would too, and he would use your strong voice to get his ideas to be heard. But he also knew you were too weak. Too weak and far away to convince George Washington. So Madison had to talk about you, to get people to know you. He had to convince the President that your ideas - but mostly his, were the best ones. And he did it ! Congratulations Thomas, you've been used like a spoiled child !"

Jefferson threw himself froward and punched him across the face.

He felt the flesh squishing around his fist, and he could almost hear the vessels torn apart under his skin.

"It is _Mister Jefferson_ to you, Hamilton" he gritted between his teeth.

He was panting heavily, shaking, watching as Hamilton kept his eyes locked on the ground, a hand on his cheek.

Finally, the Caribbean man chuckled softly.

"You are scared, "Mister" Jefferson. You are scared because you are not actually sure whether I am lying or not. In fact, you never thought for a second that your sweet little friend could use you for his own benefit."

Jefferson was taken aback by his words. It was not true. He wasn't afraid. He never thought about this possibility because it was "not" a possibility. Madison could never do such a thing.

"You are wrong", he finally said calmly, "Madison is honest and loyal. He never cheated once in his life. I've known him for years, and he is the sweetest man alive under his cold-faced mask."

Hamilton sighed.

"He might be what you say he is, but that doesn't change the fact that he is weak and useless. He is no orator and needs you to go and defend him when he is in trouble."

Thomas stopped himself from hitting him again. He had to be diplomatic: he was Secretary of State.

"I am only doing my job as a friend.”

“A "real" man would have punched me himself as soon as the blackmail began. In politics, weak people are being used, that's just how it-..."

Jefferson violently hit his chin.

Fuck diplomacy.

Hamilton growled, drips of blood falling from his lips.

"You are mad 'cause you know it's true"

Jefferson punched his jaw again, his muscles trembling and eyes like daggers. He was breathing heavily, his chest going up and down at a fast rate.

"Shut. Up."

Hamilton was shaking a bit too at this point, and had to rest his arm on the couch to recollect himself. He turned his head to glance at Jefferson, who was dominating him from every inch of his body. Through his bloody locks, Hamilton looked at him with his usual damned daring eyes.

"You see him as a girl yourself, don't you ? Sweet, weak, needing of protection... That's why you are so protective over him... You see him in the same way a boy looks at a girl..."

Jefferson screamed out of rage and hit him again, more violently than before. He could not allow this smartass to insinuate such things...

Suddenly, Hamilton caught his arm and got up, standing right in front of him. His grip was stronger than Jefferson thought it would be. The smaller guy reached for his collar and pulled him down so he could face him. Their faces almost touched each other.

"I told you I thought it was sad for you to have such low standards..."

His voice was low, and his eyes blazing. Jefferson was speechless, unable to think or move.

Hamilton pulled him closer, and approached the side of his head to his shoulder.

"Imma show you what it’s like to be passionate...", he whispered in his ear.

Jefferson's eyes became wide open as he felt Hamilton's lips touching his jaw. He pulled back, trying to free himself from his grip.

But Hamilton followed his movements, making sure to keep his body very close to Thomas's.

The Virginian gasped and tried to protest but the sounds that came out of his mouth were weak and nowhere near comprehensible.

As he was struggling to get away, Hamilton reached for his throat and started licking it softly. Jefferson gulped and tried to hit him but the other guy caught him arm. Both his wrists were now held back by Hamilton, who continued to grind against him to make him lose his balance.

Suddenly Jefferson hit a hard surface, and realized to his horror that it was a wall.

He had nowhere to go, and no way to think, for Hamilton was pressing himself against him, nipping and biting softly his shaking throat.

Jefferson's wrists were suddenly freed, but he had no time to do anything because Hamilton slid his hands under shirt, stroking his stomach and reaching for his nipples.

Thomas whined, both out of fear and surprise.

Suddenly Hamilton let go of his wet neck and pulled him into a powerful kiss, not leaving him any chance of resisting.

Jefferson let out a muffled scream, as he felt his opponent's hot tongue violently moving inside his mouth.

He could not think straight, and he saw in Hamilton's eyes a lustful shimmer that petrified him.

The smaller guy pulled his hands out of Thomas's shirt and grabbed his luscious hair, deepening the kiss. He felt saliva dripping on his chin, and he could not help but sobbing softly against Hamilton's lips. His eyes were tearing up, and his whole body screamed for help, for someone to save him from this horrifying... yet terrifyingly pleasant situation.

He felt waves of heat and pleasure moving throughout his body, and his insides were twisting with lust. He hated the way he reacted and yet, he could not help but kiss back.

Hamilton smirked and let go of his head to run his hands again Thomas's muscular chest, sliding his fingers through the lines of his abs. Jefferson tensed when he felt the other's hand pressing on his crotch. He moaned and Hamilton reached for his jaw, kissing and biting it.

"H..Ham...aaah... HAMilt-on...ahh"

The other chuckled softly, and put one hand on his jaw, making their eyes meet. Hamilton's gaze was full of mischief.

"That's Alexander to you, Mister Jefferson" he whispered seductively.

Jefferson blushed and hit his rib cage but Hamilton responded by gripping his already hard boner. Jefferson gasped under the shock and Alexander kissed him back roughly. Jefferson tried to hit him again, but Hamilton ignored his blows, even though blood was now staining his shirt.

He began toying and stroking his crotch, doing it ever so slowly to weaken Jefferson's mind.

Thomas was now a moaning mess. His chest was going up and down as he cried out of pleasure. His breath was heavy and difficult, while his eyes were full of lust and desire. As for his muscles, they tensed up and down according to Hamilton's stroke rhythm.

Alexander continued playing with him for a while. Jefferson was now sweating, his face red and his cloths wet and stuck to his skin.

He whimpered when Hamilton put his hand under his underwear, but could not say more for his tongue was still battling with Hamilton's.

Tears were streaming down his face as he was still trying to punch Alexander, even after realizing the other was not affected by his attempts. Thomas felt weak. Eventually, he stopped fighting back. He could not think of anything, and he let his empty gaze lend on the lit fireplace. He watched the flames dancing and lost himself in his thoughts, moaning occasionally under the pleasure Hamilton gave him.

He was so weak...

Suddenly Hamilton got to knees and unbuckled his belt. The metallic noise caused Jefferson's eyes to shot open and he screamed, kicking Hamilton's face. The smallest guy was thrown on the ground, and Jefferson jumped on him, punching and punching again, screaming and crying. He wanted to kill him, he wanted to kill him and yet... and yet...

He _loved_ it. He loved these rough sensations he felt. He loved the way he felt "controlled" for a few minutes. He wanted to punch him again, but he stopped himself. Hamilton's face was covered with bruises and blood, but the immigrant managed to crack a naughty smile.

"There, there, Jeffy-boy... You took your time to react..."

Jefferson wanted to scream, to yell at him that he did, that he cried and pushed him away again and again. But he kept silent. Hamilton was right. He could have pushed harder. He could have yelled harder. He didn't though, because he...because he "enjoyed" it.

Thomas took a deep breath. He grabbed Hamilton by his collar, pulling him right next to his face, and caught his eyes.

Hamilton seemed startled by the look of sheer hatred in the other's gaze. Almost hurt.

"That's "Mister" Jefferson to you"

Saying this darkly, Thomas violently pushed Alexander against the floor and turned back. He walked to the front door and stepped outside. The cold air of the night made him shiver, and froze the tears on his face.

He walked quickly, willing to get away as soon as possible. He nevertheless heard Hamilton's last words, standing on the threshold.

"See you soon, "Mister" Jefferson.”

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics belong to Lin-Manuel Miranda
> 
> Okay so the hard stuff began I guess ?  
> Brace yourselves for this is only the beginning though...
> 
> This is where the "historically inaccurate" begins too... Madison was already a Conressman at the time, and well I don't know a lot about the American political system but I'm pretty sure it doesn't work the way I imagined it in this AU lol
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave kudos, comments or criticism ~~


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Broken, Jefferson goes back to Madison's house. But his newly created demons follow him there... 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD/Rape attempt (flashbacks)/ Victim Blaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD/Rape attempt (flashbacks)/ Victim Blaming
> 
> Read at your own risks

The journey to get to James' house felt longer. Much longer. The streets were dark now, and Jefferson was the only living figure moving in the alleys. The silence too was unbearable...

Thomas shivered. The frozen tears on his cheeks reminded him of what had happened. Hamilton's lusty eyes, his disgusting hands all over his body, his lips crushing against his... Jefferson felt terrible. He crossed his arms in a desperate attempt to warm himself up, but the coldness he felt did not only come from the chilly wind of New York's streets.

He felt disgusting. The taste of Hamilton in his mouth was still present, and he wanted to throw up, to scream, to yell, to cry... Soft sobs were escaping his lips, and his heart was thudding loudly in his ribcage.

He felt worthless, ashamed of what had happened. Ashamed of letting Hamilton take control over his own body, of letting him get away with such a satisfaction...

He was so weak...

He should have fought harder. Should have destroyed one bone with each punch to make him let go. He could have. He was strong and tall enough.

But he didn't.

Because he was a coward. He had felt scared, unable to move.

Not wanting to move.

 

_You took your time to react._

 

Hamilton's words resonated in his ears. Yes, he did take his time. Why ? Why did he do that ? Hamilton was a disgusting character. He wanted to break his neck. He wanted him to pay, to feel shame and pain. And yet... He didn't pull away. He enjoyed the rough kisses, the obscene strokes... He could not forget those mesmerizing eyes...

Jefferson shook his head and swept away his tears. He was just in front of Madison's door. Apprehension overwhelmed him. What was he going to say if James noticed his reddened face and swollen eyes ? What was he going to say about what had happened ? And most of all, how was he going to face the man he was willing to avenge when all he did was making out with his enemy ?

Jefferson took a deep breath and knocked on the door. It opened almost immediatly, and Madison's worried face appeared in front of him. Of course, he had been waiting for him the whole time...

"T...Thomas..." shakily whispered the smallest man.

At this exact moment, Jefferson realized he was not the only one who had been through rough times. It was not only him, eyes red from crying, in front of a perfectly composed James Madison. It was him, Thomas Jefferson, covered in blood and sweat, facing his best friend, Jemmy James, eyes round with fear and concern. Of course, James had cried too. His eyes were puffy, his breath shaky and he seemed tinier than usual.

Seeing him in such a fragile state for the first time since his return, Thomas could not help but smile softly. His best friend truly was one sweet and caring man. Nothing about him was very "manly": Madison was a shy, quiet and soft person, small and chubby, with short and curly black hair and round black eyes. Nothing to be scared of, nothing to be impressed by.

James suddenly grabbed him and buried his face in Jefferson's shirt. Taken aback, Thomas took a few seconds before beginning to gently pat his friend's head and back. He truly was adorably small...

"Hey Mads..." Thomas smiled softly, "You all right ?”

“It's me who should ask you this question !"

James removed his head from Jefferson's chest so he could face him, still holding on to him. His eyes were glassy, as if he was just about to cry, but his eyebrows were stuck in a frown that left no doubt about Madison's feelings: he was _hella_ angry.

"I told you not to leave ! And look at you ! You're covered in blood and you're red and sweaty ! What happened there ? Thomas you shouldn't have reacted this way ! You should stop reading my stuff Thomas, I told you I handled it myself ! Why don’t you ever listen to me ?"

His voice was broken, shaky. Tears were threatening to escape his eyes. Still, he looked at Thomas without gazing away, keeping a furious expression. Jefferson felt even more shitty.

"I'm so sorry Maddy... I overreacted. I just... I couldn't accept it. You worked so hard for me... and this jerk just... just abused you and mocked you and... I'm so sorry I should have listened to you but..."

Madison took a deep breath. He let go of Thomas and opened his eyes. Jefferson was relieved to meet the soft and deep state of Madison's gaze again. Small or not, he could be pretty scary...

"I'm sorry too... I should have told you, or I should have been more self caring. I promise not to overdo it next time."

Thomas smiled and gently stroked his head. Madison seemed a bit startled, and Jefferson realized his gesture and quickly pulled his hand away.

"Anyway, I should go to sleep now", he chuckled nervously. "French jet lag is the worst"

If Madison was still under the effect of the "surprise pat", he did not show it. He simply smiled kindly and nodded.

Jefferson was midway through the stairs when he heard his voice again.

"Hey is everything all right by the way ? There is blood on your clothes and you seem a bit... exhausted ?”

Thomas froze.

_Don’t ever hurt him again. Ever._

“Yeah don't worry I'm fine ! Just threw one punch or two to correct this son of a whore ahah !”

“You sure ?”

“Jemmy I'm okay."

He bit his lips when he realized he'd been a bit too harsh on that last sentence. James had noticed too, for he took a while to answer.

"...well then, sorry for asking. You must be tired. Good night Thomas...”

“G'night Jemmy James Maddy Mads !"

Thomas tried to make himself sound as happy-go-lucky as ever with this last tease, but he knew Madison was not a fool. He barely chuckled at the exaggerated list of nicknames.

And Jefferson was not a fool either: he knew his friend too well not to understand that "You must be tired" meant "We'll talk about this later".

He was grateful for his friend not to ask him about the events from earlier right at the moment. He felt so lost and terrible. He also knew he should have talked to him, or at least stayed with him, because now that he was alone, memories from what happened came back to him. Jefferson also realized that maybe his friend needed to talk to him to feel better too, but right now, Thomas couldn't handle it. He was about to cry or scream or both.

He dropped on his bed, flashbacks hitting him and sending shivers of fear and pleasure down his spine. He stared at the ceiling, his vision blurred by tears. His breath twitched and he had to stop himself from sobbing again. He was a grown man. He was Thomas Jefferson, very first Secretary of States of the United States of America. He was not going to wail for such a trivial matter...

Still, this thought didn't stop him for falling into a late, tiring and dreamless sleep.

 

*****

 

Further into the night, Jefferson jolted awake, sweat soaking his nightcloth. His chest was going up and down at a fast speed, and soft whines were escaping his trembling lips.

 

_Oh my god oh my god oh my god..._

He tried to steady his breath but his heartbeat was just increasing more and more. He felt numerous waves of heat oppressing his chest. Panic made him feel trapped, and he soon curled into a shivering ball of long limbs and curly hair.

 

_Hamilton..._

His heart was aching from the stress and from the memory. His filthy hands wandering around his body...

 

_Make it stop... Don't do that..._

He didn't stop, he didn't listen.

Hamilton smirked:

"I can't stop if don't tell me to.”

“Please no... Please Hamilton... I beg you...”

“Beg me to what, "Mister Jefferson" ?

 

The smirk widened, Thomas let out a muffled scream. _Say it !_

"Ha-Hamilton...”

“Yes ?”

“Please...”

“I don't understand...”

“You can't...”

“I can.”

 

The voice was strong, threatening. The eyes... The brown, daring eyes... He got closer. He was too close. He was filthy. He was dangerous. He was an asshole. He was lustful. Lust. Attraction. Desire. _No !_

 

"Thomas..."

 

_Jefferson_

 

"Why don't you just tell me to stop ?"

 

_Say it !_

 

"I don't have to stop...

...if you don't say no to this..."

 

Jefferson cried out. His voice was shaking, his scream was unrecognisable. A mix of fear, anger, and lust.

 

"Thoma-...

\- STAY BACK !"

 

He blurted that out with a trembling voice, but full of hatred. His eyes were glassy, shooting daggers. His hair was a mess, his bed was a mess, his head was a mess. Panting, sweating, as terrified as he was angry, he realized that the man standing on the threshold was not Hamilton. He had never been there. He was an illusion.

The small, worried man standing there wasn't.

James was not only worried though: he was petrified, shocked, his eyes full of confusion, of concern... of pain.

Jefferson's heart skipped a bit when he realized Madison just walked in on him crying out Hamilton's name, then yelling at him.

"Jemmy..." His voice was soft, like honey. He had practiced that voice on the countless ladies he had courted. He knew he had to show reassurance to his poor friend.

James didn't say anything. He stood there a few more seconds, his expression unreadable, then left the room, leaving him alone. Jefferson's chest tightened. He had messed up.

"Jemmy ! Wait !"

He sprung out of bed, his legs still unsteady, but somehow managed to reach the door without tripping over. The hallway was darker than his room, and he barely managed to catch a glimpse of his friend's ambling figure to his left.

"Jemmy!"

He ran to him. Madison had locked himself in the bathroom. Jefferson was about to knock when the door slammed open, almost hitting him. Thomas froze.

James, his dear, sweet, smiling James was standing there in front of him, eyes as dark as coal, lips stuck into a thin line. Tears were menacing to stream down his face.

"Jemmy..."

His voice was soft, softer than honey. It was a voice he had never practiced before.

"Shut up."

His voice was cold, colder than ice. He had never heard him talking like this.

It shook though, the voice shook.

 

It was worse.

 

Before Jefferson could manage to make up a correct sentence, something smacked his face. Taken aback, he yelped, then realized it was a towel, soaked with fresh water.

"Keep it on your forehead to soothe your fever. It'll calm you down."

The voice was cold, colder than ice.

"Jemmy..."

The voice was soft, softer than honey.

It shook.

"Goodnight"

It didn't shake.

 

Jefferson took a few steps back, and went to his room, in a daze. Madison went the other way, to his own room.

 

Both cried. None of them saw the tears.

 

_He hates me._

None of them said no to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 chapters in one day ? Wow lucky you ! I just couldn't leave you on the terrible ending of the previous chapter aha... (is this ending better though ? aha don't think so but oh well)
> 
> Thank you for reading ! Don't forget to leave kudos, comments or criticisms if you feel like it.
> 
> So the situation is getting worse... will it get better though ?
> 
> Next chapter tomorrow !


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jefferson goes to work after a terrible night.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD/ Rape attempt (flashbacks)/ Victim Blaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD/ Rape attempt (flashbacks)/ Victim Blaming
> 
> Hints of historical slavery 
> 
> Read at your own risks.

The next day, Jefferson left his room in silence. The entire house was quiet. It felt strange, as if he was alone. He had never feared being alone before…

Thomas took a deep breath, and approached Madison's door. His footsteps made the floor creak; it felt strange.

He knocked on the door.

"Jemmy...?"

 

Silence

 

"James ?"

 

The entire house was quiet.

 

"Madison..."

 

It felt strange.

 

Finally, Thomas took a shaky breath and softly said:

"I packed my belongings. Thank you for your hospitality, but I'm going to find some accommodation now."

He received no answers, no "Please stay". Something shattered inside him. He swallowed briefly, to choke back the bitter taste that was rising within his throat.

"See you at work James..."

No answer. The entire house was silent.

He closed the door behind him. He was alone.

 

It felt strange.

 

*****

 

The walk leading to the Government's headquarters was quite long. It always took them about thirty minutes to reach the buildings. Them. He and James.

Today, Jefferson made his way alone through the chilly dawn air. The sun was still very low, casting an orangish mist over the waking city.

The coldness brought him back to his senses: he managed to dry his tears and soothe his ragged breath.

_What have I done..._

It was his fault. He knew it. James saw him crying. He saw him crying out Hamilton's name. Why on earth would he do that?

Everything that happened yesterday made him want to scream and punch himself. He wanted to destroy that body who betrayed him. He wanted to stop the burning shame, the burning hatred, the burning pain that flew through his veins.

His muscles were aching, tensed, and he kept his gaze locked on his feet, walking at a steady pace.

If only he could make it up to James... But what could he do ? He had done nothing wrong... had he ?

_You let him touch you._

Hamilton. He closed his eyes tightly, and took a shallow breath. No, he had to stay calm. Not in the streets. Not again. He already hurt everyone. Or just someone. But not anyone.

He could explain what happened to James. He could tell him, he would understand. He would help him.

_Would he ?_

He knew James. James knew him. They were best friends since forever. He just had to apologize and explain and everything could go well

_You let him touch you._

No.

_You enjoyed it._

No !

_You wanted this._

 

"NO !" he shouted.

"Mister Jefferson...?"

Surprised, Thomas turned around swiftly, eyes wide opened. A few meters behind him stood Aaron Burr, one of the government's guys he had met yesterday.

The young man looked hesitant, unsure how to react.

_Smile._

Like he always did. He had to put on the mask. The smiling, boisterous, self-confident mask.

"Burr ! Hey, would you mind joining me ? I was just heading for the workplace.”

“Oh hum... Sure, sir..."

Burr seemed to tensed down a bit. He got next to him quietly and they continued walking in silence. Jefferson took quick glances at the other man, to restrain him from gazing at him too often. He was unsure whether his face still looked like he just had the most terrible night of his life.

"So hum Burr, how are things goin' for ya ?”

“They're okay, sir."

Politics were an area in which those who ran their mouths off would wind up dead. Either that or Burr was just a shy guy. Or maybe was he impressed by Jefferson, who was higher ranked, older and simply taller than him.

Or else he noticed his weird, shaking behaviour.

"And how are things for you, mister Jefferson ?"

Thomas's heart skipped a bit, but he managed to keep his cool.

He thought ‘ _My best friend saw me going through a panic attack and I hurt him by yelling at him and basically moaning his worst nightmare's name. Oh and the said nightmare_ _tried to_ _rape me. Honestly I'm in as deep a hole as my ass is considering how hard life fucked me for the last twenty four hours._ '

He said "They're fine too. I was thinking about the different ways I could try out today to kick Hamilton's ass...”

“Oh that wouldn't be a bad idea...”

“I thought you two were friends ?”

“ _Acquaintances_ would be a better suited word... We don't know each other that much really. Let's say we're rarely in the same places…”

“What do you mean ?”

“He's in the room where things happens, but he keeps me from it...”

“I can relate..."

Jefferson bit his lips. Burr didn't know about the bathroom lock down with Madison yesterday night.

He said nothing and they continued walking in silence. Eventually, Burr took a deep breath and shifted his gaze away, feeling uncomfortable because of the quietness.

"Hamilton is not a bad guy, I don't hate him for being such a loudmouth. I guess that can be an asset in politics, but I'm fine with keeping all my plans close to my chest until the right moment.”

“Hmm hmm..."

Honestly, Jefferson could not care less. He didn't know this guy, he wasn't very influential at the Congress. Plus he already had a strong “opinion” on Hamilton…

Burr seemed to have something in mind, for he went on:

"Nevertheless, Hamilton is going to get support very soon... A very "boisterous" support...”

“What do you mean ?"

Burr took a quick glance at him, then breathed in and raised his chin a little to clear his throat.

"He has friends he met during the Revolution. Three of them. They are all from the same kin. Noisy, short-tempered, strong-headed when it comes to politics... They live in different places, but they'll be heading to New York shortly. John Laurens is supposed to arrive this afternoon. I don't really know about the two others, but they won't take much longer than a few days."

Jefferson kept silent, thoughtful. If Burr was right, these three men will make it harder for him to face Hamilton. It'll be a four against tw-...

_James won't talk to me..._

The realisation hit him quickly, and his heart tightened. He inclined his chin, hoping that his massive hair will cover his reddening eyes.

_Four against one then…_

He nevertheless managed to ask:

"Anyway... who are these smartasses ?”

“John Laurens is a militant. He fights for slaves' rights and freedom."

_Funny idea..._

"...there is Hercules Mulligan, he's a tailor who spied on the British during the Revolution.”

“A tailor at the Congress ?”

“I don't know much but I know him enough to say that he is far from stupid. However I don't think he'll be more than one of Hamilton's counsellors...”

“Oh 'cause the activist will be given a higher position ?”

“Actually I think they'll all be pretty much only by Hamilton's side. Except maybe for the Marquis de Lafayette...”

“Lafayette' s coming back ?"

He knew him from his time in France. Hell ! He helped him draft a declaration for French people's rights !

"France is on the verge of war with England. Plus, I heard the King was pretty mad at him for helping us during our Revolution. His fellow revolutionary comrades deemed it better for him to continue fighting here, safe and ready to bring American help.”

“Washington'll be happy to help our French allies, I have no doubt about that."

He suddenly linked his friend's arrival to the situation.

"Wait, you said he was Hamilton's friend ?”

“They met before the Revolution. Shared a drink and exchanged ideas. Actually, they shared a drink "and" ideas. They're like brothers now..."

Great. James was mad at him and his French best friend was on Hamilton's side. Jefferson sighed. He was truly in an awful position. Awfully painful position.

Soon the Congress appeared in front of them, and Thomas felt relieved not to have to answer to _Burr-den_ anymore.

He quickly climbed up the stairs and walked to Washington's office. He had to tell him that he was not quite sure James was going to attend today's sessions. It'll be easy to convince him that his friend was sick. Actually, that was not entirely false: James was sick. Sick of him. Of his stupidity, of his weakness, of his failure as a best friend.

Jefferson clenched his jaw and hands; he was a terrible friend. He had only been here for a day and he had already invested his privacy, hurt him, yelled at him, made him worry. He did not deserve him. He did not have the right to be pardoned.

As he was brewing his despair, he got closer to the office door. He was about to knock when a self-satisfied voice woke him from his craze.

"The President's not here, what d'you want ?"

He turned round. A smaller man was standing there.

_Hamilton_

He had brown hair tied in a low ponytail.

_Say no to this_

A smirk stood on his face, circled by a sparse beard.

_Don't..._

Brown daring eyes. Filthy. Threatening. Lustful.

 

"N-nothing...”

“Where's your sick dog ?"

Calm. Stay calm. Don't cry. Don't yell. Don't.

_Say it_

 

"My friend James Madison is not well. He might not join us today.”

“What a shame... I guess I'll have to ask you then...”

“Ask what ?"

He said this quickly, coldly, shooting what he hoped was a death glare at his opponent.

Hamilton's smirk widened. He hated it.

"I have nowhere else to turn I guess... So let's say it briefly: we need to talk about my debt plan.”

“Madison said no.”

“I don't care about Madison.”

“I said no.”

“I don't care about you.”

“Congress said no.”

“It'll say yes if you two do."

Thomas was perplex.

"You said you didn't care about our opinions.”

“I said I didn't care about your two individual opinions. You're useless alone. I need Madison to convince Congress. I need you to convince Madison. That's as easy as that."

Jefferson was this close to smacking his face. But something stopped him. Fear. And something else. The daring eyes were burning his skin.

"Why would I do that ?”

“ 'Cause I have something you want.”

“Which is ?”

“The nation's capital."

That was it. The piece de resistance to his argumentation. The Southerners’ main goal.

He had to accept. For Madison's sake at least.

"Fine, I'll talk to him. I'll arrange the menu, the venue, the sitting.”

“I knew I could count on you... Thomas"

He went past him, and briefly put a hand on his shoulder. Thomas froze. He shivered. He remembered that night. He just might regret that night for the rest of his days.

"Mister Jefferson..." he mumbled weakly.

Hamilton scoffed and continued walking.

"Sure. Oh and... nice hickey, Mister Jefferson."

Thomas froze. He looked in the window's office. He had a mark. A red one. Hamilton marked him. He did this to him.

  


“I’m looking forward to our next meeting”, whispered Hamilton’ sultry voice.

From the corner of his eyes Jefferson caught a glimpse of Burr. Hamilton approached him, and they exchanged a few words. The bald man’s eyes widened, he whispered a quiet "No...".

The world spinned. It turned black.

 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics belong to Lin-Manuel Miranda  
> Hints of historical slavery
> 
> So... a new meeting with Hamilton AND James ? What could go wrong ??
> 
> Oh and as you saw, in this AU John is alive and well, and the Hamilsquad makes a big comeback ! Why do they all work at the Congress ? Because I needed them to be close to Jefferson's and Madison's workplace, AND I still don't know anything about the American system (yay)
> 
> Thanks to those who comment or leave kudos !! ILY so much ~~
> 
> See you for the next chapter !!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jefferson tries to deal with his pain on his own, but Madison notices it.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Panic Attack/PTSD/Victim Blaming/ Rape attempt (flashbacks)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Panic Attack/PTSD/Victim Blaming/Rape Attempt (flashbacks)
> 
> Read at your own risks...

Jefferson groggily woke up in what seemed to be his room.

In Madison's house.

_Holy sh*t..._

"Good, you're awake"

His friend's voice startled him. He didn't expect the smallest one to be sat on the bed next to him.

Madison raised a brow to his reaction but said nothing. He grabbed the bucket in front of him and dipped a towel in it. His gestures were smooth and calm. James was focused on his task, and Jefferson could not help but glance at his chubby features. He was indeed, a chubby looking man. But his strong cheekbones gave him a serious, sharp-shaped face. Hell, he was handsome...

Madison looked up and Thomas shifted his gaze away, a light flush rising to his cheeks. He felt the deep black eyes staring at him. His friend didn't seem to notice his reaction, and carefully placed the towel on his forehead. It was cold, really cold. It reminded him of the time James slapped him with one of those the day just before. The painful memories tightened his heart, and he remained quiet.

The silent stretched, and none of the men seemed ready to make the first move. Madison had joined his hands together and was staring at them with an absent gaze. Jefferson stared at him nervously, unsure of what to say.

"L-Look Jemmy... I... I'm sorry... I-”

“You did nothing wrong."

Madison trailed off, his voice cold but without anger. He was obviously saddened and worried above everything else.

"I shouldn't have reacted this way Thomas, I'm sorry...”

“No it's me too I shou-”

“Please Thomas..."

Jefferson closed his mouth. He looked into his friend's expression for an explanation. He noticed that James was fiddling nervously, avoiding his gaze.

"I should have insisted on asking you what happened. Obviously, something did hurt you Thomas, but you..."

His voice broke briefly.

"...but you refused to tell me. I shouldn't have let you go though. I'm sorry..."

Jefferson's heart ached at the sight of his friend feeling so guilty.

“So... You're not mad ?"

Madison finally accepted to meet his gaze, and turned around to lock his glassy eyes into Thomas'.

"Why would I be mad ?”

“Oh hum... I don't know, I yelled at you after all..."

Of course, Madison did not notice the lustfulness in his voice when he moaned Hamilton's name. That would have been a petty interpretation, and his friend probably thought it was impossible that Jefferson had been aroused by Hamilton. Impossible that he had been raped by him.

"It really is nothing Thomas, you were unwell. But now..."

He got closer to him.

"...please tell me. Tell me what happened."

Thomas felt Madison's hand clenching on the sheet.

_Take my hand, you idiot._

His gaze was insistent, full of concern. He unconsciously made puppy eyes, eager to know what was on Thomas' mind.

_Don't look at me like that_

Thomas gulped.

_Stop..._

"Stop...”

“Please Thomas...”

“No...”

“Please...”

“I can't...”

“Thoma-"

Jefferson did not let him finish his sentence. He grabbed him and pulled him into a tight embrace. He tightened and tightened his grip until he felt Madison's heart beating in his ribcage. Thomas kept his eyes shut, and nuzzled into James's shoulder. His muscles were shaking because of the forceful embrace.

He felt Madison tensing up, then relaxing after a few seconds. His friend didn't say anything. Eventually, he managed to draw soothing circles on Jefferson's back. Thomas felt him sobbing softly, and he straightened a bit to reach for his shoulders and pulled into a deeper hug. This time it was Madison's turn to bury his face in his friend's neck. Thomas could feel the warm tears that were escaping James eyes.

Surprisingly, he felt more relaxed comforting his friend than being the comforted one. It just felt nice, to feel someone allowing himself to break down in his arms. He felt in control, at peace. Actually, he hadn't realized how much things seemed to have escaped his control these past two days. Reassuring his friend made him focus on something else than himself. His mind was free of concern, the smaller one's warm body tightly squeezed against his.

Eventually, Madison pulled away, cheeks red and wet. He dried them out and looked away.

"I'm... I'm sorry…”

“Don't be, honey..."

James's face turned into a darker shade of crimson.

Jefferson bit his tongue and shifted away from Madison, suddenly aware of his proximity.

The darker man cleared his throat and straightened up, attempting to regain his composure by looking taller.

"Hamilton will pass by this evening for diner.”

“What ?"

His reaction had been more violent than he intended it to be, and he immediately regretted the sharpness in his voice. Indeed, Madison noticed it, for his eyes narrowed in suspicion, but he did not point it out.

"He asked me about a professional diner to talk about his debt plan when he brought you back after you passed out. I guess we should be thankful he didn't steal anything from your suitcases."

 

Silence.

 

"Hamilton... brought me here ? He... he was here ? He will come back ?"

His voice was a thin whistle, weak and empty. He could feel his hands beginning to shake. Hamilton carried him. Hamilton saw him passing out. Hamilton saw him at his weakest. Hamilton could have done something to him while he was unconscious. What if he abused him ? What if he said something to James ? What if-...

"Yes, he insisted on coming this evening. Now seriously Thomas what's going on ?"

Jefferson looked up, his eyes wide opened. His lips were trembling in a desperate attempt to make up a correct sentence. James's dark eyes were staring at him, lost and full of concern.

 

_Tell him. Tell him. Tell him._

"James..."

_Tell him. Tell him. Tell him._

"I'm sorry James... I'm okay, I'm just tired."

 

Bullshit.

 

Madison said nothing. He closed his eyes, got up, and walked towards the door.

_Stay_

"Jemmy...”

“No Thomas"

 

The voice was cold. Colder than ice.

_No please James... Not again..._

 

"Jemmy...”

“I'll come back when you stop taking me for a fool"

 

_James I'm so sorry..._

 

"Jemmy..."

Madison turned to face him. His eyes were dark. Darker than coal. A few tears were streaming down his cheekbones. Pain ? Anger ?

"Stop calling me that and get dressed. You slept through the whole day and Hamilton will be there in less than two hours."

The door slammed.

Cold.

_Don't leave me..._

 

*****

 

Thomas took a deep breath. He was sitting in Madison's grey living room, waiting.

James was in the kitchen, adding the final touch to his meal.

They had not shared a word since their argument in the bedroom. Thomas had joined him downstairs a few minutes ago, but James hadn't even spared him a glance.

He felt guilty. More than guilty actually. He felt terrible, as if the whole world could stumble and crash around him and nothing would matter. Remorse were poisoning his very being, and he took his head between his hands and shook it, choking back sobs that threatened to escape his quivering lips.

He had hurt James. His James. The sweetest and closest friend he’d ever had. He had pushed him away when all he wanted to do was help.

 

Help.

He needed help.

He needed James.

 

James could help him because James was the sweetest and closest friend he’d ever had. His James.

 

He had hurt him.

 

Thomas’s thoughts were battling against each other and the pain it caused rang through his skull and made him feel dizzy.

 

James.

He had to apologize.

Because he had hurt him.

 

Thomas stumbled on his feet and slowly made his way to the kitchen.

He could see the shadow of his friend on the floor.

His sweetest and closest friend.

 

He had to apologize. And he’ll tell him everything. Everything that had happened. It’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.

 

_I’m sorry_

 

Say it

 

_Coward_

 

Tears were prickling in his eyes and he could barely see where he laid his feet. His vision was blurred by pain and panic. He felt his chest tightening when he reached the door.

 

_James_

 

He slightly looked up and saw Madison working around the kitchen, lost in thoughts.

He seemed sad. So sad.

 

“James...” he weakly wailed.

 

_James I’m so sorry_

 

Say it.

 

Startled, James turned around, and scanned him with widened eyes.

 

“Thomas wh-“

 

He could not finish his sentence. Thomas dropped on the floor against the door and began sobbing uncontrollably.

 

“James... James I... James I’m...”

 

_Say it._

 

The words were stuck.

It was all stuck up his throat and chest. Everything was stuck.

 

Madison didn’t even hesitate and he quickly kneeled next to his friend, rubbing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Shhhh....Shhhh... It’s okay Thomas, it’s okay. Breathe.”

 

He had a low voice, soothing. Thomas felt the knot in his chest loosening.

He let out a broken wail.

 

“I’m sorry”

 

He saw Madison’s lips tugging into a small smile, as he got even closer to him. Jefferson could feel his warmth next to him. He craved it. He needed help. He needed him.

 

“James...”

“Thomas... Thomas it’s okay. Tell me. Tell me what happened.”

 

Jefferson looked up, and saw Madison’s eyes glimmering with concern and affection. He felt safe with him. He felt indubitably safe.

 

“Jemmy... Jemmy I’m so sorry...”

“Please Thomas tell me. Just tell me what happened.”

“Jemmy... so sorry... so sorry I can’t...”

“Yes you can !”

 

James’ voice was beginning to shake, concern and fear making him tighten his grip on Jefferson’s shoulder.

 

“Jemmy...”

“Shhhh Thomas... Tell me what happened.”

“So sorry...”

“I’m here Thomas. Just trust me Thomas I am here.”

“Jemmy I’m so sorry...”

“Please Thomas... Look at me please...”

 

At this point, Thomas was nothing more than a shaking ball of hair and limbs curled up on the floor. James stood right in front of him, attempting to calm down his panic attack without stressing him even more.

 

“I can’t...”

“Just look at me Thomas...”

“I can’t I’m so sorry...”

“Please Thomas...”

“I’m so sorry James I can’t I’m so sorry I’m weak I can’t I hurt you please forgive me I’m sorry Jemmy I’m so sor-”

 

Everything shut down.

Everything fell silent.

Something soft brushed against his lips.

 

Thomas’s mind went blank. Butterflies began to flutter in his stomach.

The house, the meeting, Hamilton, Virginia, the whole United States... it all disappeared for an instant.

Nothing mattered more than the featherlike touch against his lips.

He could feel his heart swelling with joy and glee. If he could, Jefferson would stop the time right now and never ever break this soft contact.

And yet it barely lasted a second.

Madison pulled back slowly, slightly confused himself. He looked at Jefferson with affectionate eyes, full of endearment and care. He didn’t even know why, but simply seeing this sweet and tender men kneeling besides him with eyes as affectionate as they were full of tears made Jefferson’s heart swell. He finally reacted and gasped softly.

Madison chuckled and reached to his cheek to wipe away the remaining tears. His touch was as soft as the brush from earlier.

Jefferson was still silent, his lips parted in disbelief. His eyes could not let go of the other man’s face. James was crying too. His lips were tugged into the softest smile he’d ever seen and his eyes, his beautiful black eyes, were so full of affection that Jefferson could just melt at this very instant.

“See...”, whispered James, “You _can_ look me in the eyes.”

 

In any other circumstance, Jefferson would have chuckled at this remark. But he just stood there, in a daze, staring at the friend he’d known for so long and yet seemed so new to him right at this moment.

 

There was like a breach in time, during which none of them said anything. Their brains ignored the human sense of discomfort and they just kept staring at each other.

 

Thomas felt safe. Safer than he’d ever been. He felt the warmth of James’s body, he felt the endearment emanating from his soft gaze, and he felt like he could tell him everything. They would be together, together against the pain, together against Hamilton. All the doubts had disappeared. Everything had drowned in James’s protective, tender gaze.

 

“James, I need to tel-“

Thomas stopped himself. The affectionate look on Madison’s face had shifted into a petrified stare, full of horror and fear.

Jefferson’s heart twitched. But it was not him that Madison was looking at. His eyes were directed towar-

 

Everything shut down.

Everything fell silent.

Hamilton was standing on the doorstep.

  


  


  


  


  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHAH you thought it was lovey-dovey chapter ? POOR FOOLS  
> Aaaaaaaaaah what comes next my dear friend ?
> 
> You'll know it quickly ! I intend to post up until the chapter 10 at least... TODAY (aahah happy ?) Thing is I'll be in a place without Wi-Fi for the two following weeks and I might not be able to respect my schedule. So today you'll receive loooads of chapters just in case I can't post EVERY DAY (but I'll try to post regularly no matter what)
> 
> Thanks for the comments and kudos ! See you verrryyy sooon !


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens in the room where it happened...
> 
> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic Rape Scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic Rape Scene
> 
> Read at your own risks.

 

Brown daring eyes staring down upon two cuddled figures in a kitchen.

 

No.

 

Brown mischievous eyes glaring down with lust and satisfaction upon two shivering partners on a kitchen's floor.

 

"Well well well what have we got here ?"

The voice. The dreaded voice.

Thomas's heart skipped a bit.

Nightmare. It was a fucking nightmare.

He tightened his grip on Madison's arms and got even closer to him. Jefferson looked up to see that his friend was shooting a death glare at Hamilton. A glare mixed with hatred, sorrow and fear.

His heart tightened at this sight.

"Mister Madison, thank you again for accepting us all to meet at your house. I wouldn't have missed this _for anything in the world."_

He had put a large, sly emphasis on this last sentence.

Jefferson tensed. His heart rate increased again. He felt panic rising in his chest.

No. Not again.

He could not.

_He would not._

 

He tried his best to calm his respiration. He had to stay strong, or Madison will have to face Hamilton alone. He could not let him face him alone.

 

Hamilton took a few steps towards them. Slow, torturing steps.

" _Mister Jefferson_ , I am thrilled to see you again."

Emphasis on "Mister Jefferson".

The tension increased.

Shallow breaths. Too many heartbeats.

Madison rose from his knees, trying to collect himself.

"Well if you don't mind, let's get to the heart of the subject so that you don't have to stay here all night."

He let go of Jefferson to stand up.

_No don't let go. Don't. James. Please_

 

"Oh no need to worry about this; I fully understand that my presence here is not wished for _tonight_ "

Emphasis on "tonight".

Breathe in, breathe out. Calm. Stay calm.

 

 _Say no to this_.

 

Madison helped Jefferson back to his feet and they headed for the living room, where the table was set. They sat.

"Are you not going to offer me something to drink, dear mister Madison ?"

That smile. Devilish. Twisted.

James got up, tensed.

"Sure", he gritted through his teeth.

 

He headed back to the kitchen. He disappeared. He left.

 

No

 

_No_

 

_Come back_

 

_Don't leave me alone_

 

_Not with him..._

 

Jefferson could barely breath, fidgeting, his eyes locked on his tightened fits.

He could feel the other's gaze on him.

After a few seconds, Alexander broke the silence.

"Well hey again, Thomas..."

 

 _Mister Jefferson_. It was mister Jefferson to him.

 

The mischievous smile. He couldn't see it. He could feel it.

 

_Don't smile like that. Don't talk like that. Don-..._

 

It happened quick. There was nothing to do, nothing to understand.

 

Everything shut down.

Everything felt silent.

Something soft brushed against his lips.

 

Thomas had barely acknowledged what had happened when he jumped to the ground, shaking, choking, trying to get away from the other man.

 

Brown lustful eyes were staring down upon him.

 

Hamilton chuckled. A threatening laugh.

 

"Aw it seems you're still as shy as a virgin... I guess I came in soon enough to prevent your dear Madison from deflowering you..."

 

Even if he tried, Jefferson couldn't say anything to deny, he was choking down on his words, his throat was sore. His whole body was shaking without any restraint.

Hamilton got closer. Slow, torturing steps.

He squatted right in front of him, their faces a few inches away.

Jefferson's terrified eyes met Hamilton's lustful ones.

The smile on the Caribbean man's lips never left his face. Mischief.

 

"Don't worry, Mister Jefferson..."

 

Emphasis.

 

"...You know what I'm here to do..."

 

The debt plan... He was talking about the debt plan he could not talk about anything els-...

 

"... I'm not here for you."

 

Debt plan. He was taking about the debt plan.

 _Debt plan debt plan debt plan_.

 

A bad feeling eating up from the inside. A voice. His heart tightened.

 

"What is the meaning of this ?"

The voice was cold. Colder than ice.

Jefferson caught a glimpse of Madison standing in the hallway, a glass of wine in his hands.

His eyes were full of confusion and pain.

 

_No James... it's not what it seems... I swear James it's not wh-_

 

It happened quick. There was nothing to do, nothing to understand.

 

Everything shut down.

Jefferson froze. Little did he know he wasn't going to move until it was too late.

 

Everything went silent.

Hamilton grabbed Madison.

 

He kissed him.

 

******

 

Madison pulled away from the kiss, shocked. He tried to take a few steps back but Hamilton was following him closely, brushing his body against his.

He could see Jefferson, lying on the ground a few feet away.

Madison tried to call him, to beg for help but Hamilton's mouth silenced him once again. He felt the hot tongue moving inside his mouth and fought back his gag reflex. Jefferson was still not moving. He looked absent, his eyes were empty, and he was shivering slightly on the ground.

_Oh my god Thomas please I need your help !_

James was too small. He knew it, he was weak. He couldn’t push him away. He needed Thomas.

But Thomas couldn't move. He couldn't hear. He couldn't do anything apart from remembering. The touch. The daring eyes. The night that sealed his destruction.

 

He could see though.

 

He could see Madison being pushed against the wall.

 

_Just like that night_

 

He could see Hamilton kissing him.

 

_Just like that night_

 

He could see the fear in Madison's eyes.

 

_Help him_

 

He couldn't. He couldn't move. He couldn't move and he shook and cried for his weakness and begged for his muscles to help save his dearest friend.

But he was powerless, as Hamilton began to remove Madison's shirt while licking his neck.

 

He could hear the screams.

 

"T-Thomaaas !"

 

He could see the tears.

 

"Thomaaaas !"

 

He could hear the sobs and wails and prayers.

 

"Thomaaas ! Help me Thomas I beg you please !"

 

He could not move.

 

Hamilton kissed James over and over again. He spared quick glances in Jefferson's direction. He was smirking.

 

_Stop..._

 

"T...Thoma..as !"

“Aw stop crying you look pathetic.”

“Let me.. goaa !”

“Ah but you seem to really like it though...”

“T-Thomas...”

“Jesus you really are his pet dog or what ?"

 

Madison was too small. He was probably heavier than Hamilton, but he was smaller. Weaker. _Afraid_.

He felt the hands and lips exploring the exposed skin of his chest and shoulders.

He felt the teeth slightly biting the fragile skin of his neck.

His whole body was shivering, covered in sweat and tears. James's eyes were filled with fear as he tried to find a way to escape the lustful shimmer in Hamilton's look.

He cried out again, moaning:

"Ple...Please Thomas... Wake up... Th...omas !"

 

He broke contact with Alexander and looked at Thomas, who was still shivering on the ground. Madison cried out his name once again. But Thomas was not here.

 

He heard his name getting weaker and weaker in Madison's voice.

 

"Thom...as... Pl...Please..."

 

He was crying. Sobbing. Wailing.

 

_Help him_

 

He couldn't.

 

Madison sank to the ground against the wall. Hamilton was still furiously biting and kissing his skin. James couldn't care less. Despair was deepened its grip on his poor mind. His gaze was fixed on the fragile and distant figure of Thomas. He was nothing but a shadow, an insensitive shadow of his friend. Thomas wasn't responding. Thomas wasn't going to help him.

 

So he waited.

Hamilton removed their clothing. He licked his lips.

Hamilton kissed him again. He stroke his body against his.

Hamilton did not stop. Madison cried.

 

"Don't worry" said Hamilton, "I’m just here to show you what could happen _again_ if you were to reject my debt plan again...”

 

_Shut up. Shut up. Shut up._

 

He was sick. He was completely sick, poisoned by power.

Madison felt his body tensing under the weight of Hamilton, who restrained his wrists while kissing his neck.

He hated him so much.

 

He saw Jefferson, watching them without even seeing them. Without moving. Without helping.

 

He hated him so much.

 

Hamilton was still moving above him. His only aim was to show his strength, his power. Madison knew it, he wanted to fight against his body. But as Hamilton’s hits grew stronger, he could not refrain a loud moan.

 

He hated himself so much.

 

With a large grin, Hamilton continued hitting and hitting again. Power. Everything was about control. Madison was a moaning, squirming and crying mess. Fear. Weakness. Lust.

 

"L... Let me-e...go ! Let me...g..o !"

His vain prayers were barely audible, lost between the cries of pleasure, pain and sorrow.

"Aah but you seem to be enjoying it so much, it'll be a shame not to finish you off ! Plus I need to show Jefferson what he missed last time"

 

Madison's brain was in no state to process that information but it did anyway, for he managed to articulate one correct word despite the waves of pleasure sending violent shivers through his whole body.

"What ?”

“Ah he didn't tell you did he ?"

Hamilton suddenly gave a forceful stroke and Madison cried out, tears of lust running down his face.

 

Jefferson returned to his senses when he heard a loud cry. Everything that had happened came back to his mind, and he immediately jumped on his feet.

 

He had to help Madison. He had to do something. Anything.

So he made a huge, low scream and jumped on Hamilton, pushing him away, hitting him, scratching him.

Hamilton growled and turned around to grab Jefferson's neck.

 

He pulled him into a deep kiss.

 

Madison watched.

 

James was watching him.

 

Madison felt his eyes filling up with tears.

 

He saw James falling apart next to him.

 

Madison felt betrayed. Gross. Weak.

 

Jefferson felt his heart skipping a beat.

 

Hamilton smirked. He reached for Jefferson's crotch, grabbed it, stroke it, earning a squeal from the taller man. Thomas knelt under the surprise, and Alexander deepened the kiss.

 

Madison used this diversion to get further away from the scene. He tried to steady his shaky breath and dried his tears.

 

Jefferson cried out, tried to push away.

 

_You could have pushed harder_

 

"Don't touch me !"

 

Hamilton smirked. Brown mesmerizing eyes.

Thomas froze. Hamilton kissed him again.

 

_Say no to this_

 

Madison watched as his friend collapsed to the ground, breaking apart. His heart sank when he saw the terror in Thomas's eyes.

 

So Madison did something he never thought he would do. Something he never thought he would be strong enough to do.

 

He punched Hamilton. In the face. As hard as his frail body could manage to.

 

Hamilton was thrown to the grown, surprised. Thomas said nothing, his lips slightly parted.

Madison was panting heavily.

 

"Go. Home."

 

Thomas's eyes widened at the sight of his friend's expression. Madison's face was twisted in a frown of sheer hatred. His jaw was clenched and his fits were tightly closed and trembling.

 

Hamilton chuckled.

"But we still have to talk about the debt plan...”

“GO. HOME."

 

Madison spat those words as if they were venom, tears dripping down his dark eyes. His lips were quivering, and Jefferson could feel the terrible efforts his friend was making to keep his composure. Madison was afraid.

Madison was terrified.

His heart sank.

 

_I'm so sorry Jemmy_

 

Hamilton got up. The smirk never left his face.

"Very well then, I'm sure you'll be able to continue without me."

 

_Shut up shut up shut up_

 

"May I kindly advise you to consider my debt plan's votes, dear sirs ? See, it would be a shame really to wreck your names to the mud for such a trivial matter as a little affair."

 

Both Virginian stared at him, pain and anger tightening their chests. Jefferson was curled up in a ball on the floor, his eyes blank. Madison was standing above him, trying to seem as menacing as he could.

"Why would we give you what you want after what you did ?”

“Of course don't worry, dear Madison. You'll receive the nation's capital in exchange.”

“But that's a completely unequal deal ! You'll have the banks within the same spot !”

“Ahaha... True true... I would have loved to keep the capital you see, but it would be suspicious if you two gave up on your positions for nothing. After all, no one should ever know what happened here right ? They'll think you paid me for my "service" by giving me my votes... You know, like "sluts"...”

“You'll be in great trouble too if this story was to be spread ! And..."

Madison's voice broke, but he continued anyway.

"...and we are more of the victims here..."

It was hard, terribly hard to admit it.

 

Hamilton burst out laughing, leaving both of them speechless.

He suddenly got closer and grabbed Madison's collar.

"I wrote my way out of hell, Madison. I'll write my way out again. But you two.."

He smirked.

"Everyone is already suspicious about your relationship. Don't make me use you as a pamphlet subject."

Madison stammered.

"Wh.. what suspicions ?”

“Aw c'mon ! You are always together, always saving each other's backs. Everyone knows Thomas's been living with you ever since he got back from France. I wouldn't dare to imagine the other Congressmen's reaction if they were to know about what I saw you doing tonight..."

 

He had seen it. The soft brush. The butterflies and the loving gaze. He had seen it all.

 

Hamilton got closer, and his hot breath made a shiver run down Madison's spine.

 

"See you two got such heavy weights on your ankles that if I were you drag you down with me to your fall you wouldn't be able to swim up to the surface. You would drown in the political abyss."

 

He was an inch away.

 

" _ **I**_ wouldn't. I wouldn't drown. So what happens here stays here. For your sake and his. I'll give you the capital and you'll give me my votes. That's how simple it is Madison."

 

James knew they lost. They had no hope. They were condemned by the sly genius of this man. He was devilish, poisoned by political pursuit.

 

Madison gulped and nodded, restraining his tears. He tried to raise his chin, to stand taller.

Hamilton smirked and took a quick glance at Thomas's rolled up up body.

Jefferson was shaking again, his face hidden in his knees.

 

Hamilton stroke his hair. Jefferson let out a small cry.

Madison tensed.

 

"Well, I'll leave you to it."

 

Saying this, Hamilton walked out of the door, vanishing as fast as he appeared.

 

Jefferson raised his head, eyes puffy with tears. He hugged his knees even tighter and shivered.

"James... James I'm so sorry..."

 

James didn't answer.

 

"Jemmy..."

 

Jemmy didn't answer.

He walked to the stairs. Jefferson felt his heart bursting through his ribcage.

 

_Don't leave me James I'm so sorry I failed you I'm worthless but please please don't leave me not now please_

 

He tried to crawl on his knees and hands but he wasn't even able to drag himself because of the shaking.

 

Pathetic.

 

He whined and begged.

"James..."

 

He remembered the kiss. Hamilton's kiss. Madison's brush.

 

_Not again..._

 

Say no to this.

 

"James..."

 

Crawling. Reaching out.

 

_Take my hand_

 

"Jemmy..."

 

James had stopped just before the steps, waiting for Jefferson's weak figure to get closer. He hadn't spoken. Hadn't spared him a glance. His wet cloths were stained with tears and sweat. Hamilton hadn’t removed them. They were marked now. Marked with his obscene strokes and everlasting smell.

 

"Jemmy..."

 

Begging. Choking. Sobbing.

 

_Don't leave me_

 

James turned around.

Ray of hope.

"Jem-..."

 

Desolation.

Cold. Cold eyes. Colder than ice. Cheeks, chubby cheeks soaked with tears. Eyes as dark as coal.

A death glare.

 _Hatred_.

 

Suddenly a voice. Colder than ice. A dagger in the heart.

 

"That's mister Madison to you, Jefferson."

 

He left.

 

Everything shut down.

Everything fell silent.

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics belong to Lin-Manuel Miranda
> 
> So this chapter was as hard to write as it was for me to post it.  
> However it is a major plot point so it was necessary.  
> As you can see we are now drifting away from the musical plotline, which means that the following "songs" will be adaptated to these modifications. Well we'll see how it goes...
> 
> Also, this is the "worst" chapter. Which means that the hardest part is done. Now the only sexual abuse you'll read will be in the flashbacks and PTSD, but nothing as graphic as this. I'll put trigger warnings anyway don't worry
> 
> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos ! The next chapter will be up within 30 minutes ~~


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rumors spread at the Government when Jefferson and Madison act oddly. Washington decides to investigate.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD/ Victim Blaming (very little)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD/ Victim Blaming (very little)
> 
> Read at your own risks

It had never appeared to Jefferson that one day he might have to leave James' house. When he came home from France, he actually never thought about living anywhere else in New York. He knew his best friend would be there.

But when he put his stuff down in the small accommodation he rented, he could not help but freeze in disbelief. One day has gone by since the dinner with Hamilton, and Thomas had just finished unpacking. His tear ducts were already dry from crying during the whole process.

So he just froze, his brain playing over and over again the events that led to this situation.

 

The past few days were disorganized in his mind. The chronological order had disappeared long ago. Only a few facts stood out:

 

Hamilton raped them.

 

Madison was hurt.

 

Madison hated him.

 

Thomas was weak.

 

Never had he ever thought that rape was one day going to be the least terrible thing that was happening to him.

 

_James is hurt_

This thought hit him for the millionth time.

 

And it was his fault.

That was the only thing that mattered.

 

****

 

If there was something that you could feel while walking up the corridors of the Government, it was the unavoidable scent of oddity, the tension that was rising among the congressmen. Sure, the surprising election of Aaron Burr, political nobody, as Senator of New York, had obviously something to do with the growing agitation. The arrival, just the day before, of Hercules Mulligan, John Laurens and the Marquis de Lafayette was probably another reason of the frantic excitation too.

But what seemed to animate most discussions was a very different case: it had nothing to do with politics, or at least, that was what the gossips surmised.

 

It had appeared to most congressmen that there was something wrong with the way Thomas Jefferson was uncharacteristically silent and somber, with the way he never smirked at those who teased him about his fights with Hamilton, and with the way he walked past everyone to lock himself in his office without yelling or showing off.

Soon they started whispering and exchanging their knowledge, for rumors only grow. Some were bragging that Alexander Hamilton, local loud-mouth and Treasury Secretary, had been the subject of a note-worthy dispute between the Secretary of State and the congressman James Madison, his closest confident. Others even claimed that Hamilton had tell one of them about false rumors the other was spreading. You could also overhear people talking about a meeting with said Hamilton, in which the two Virginians ended up disagreeing with each other.

In every discussions, it was clear to everyone that James Madison was involved in Jefferson's strange behavior. Indeed, everyone knew about Jefferson and Madison meeting up with Hamilton over diner, to talk about one of Hamilton's plan, the famous debt one. No one had a doubt on the matter, and they all knew the Treasury Secretary's debt plan was a quite touchy subject between him and the two Virginians.

 

So when Jefferson and Madison didn't show up the following day, everyone assaulted Hamilton to know about the outcomes.

"Both of them finally agreed to my debt plan after further negotiations", had proudly assured the immigrant, "They found themselves incredibly nervous and tensed, and might have abused on their alcohol, so I am not surprised when you tell me they didn't show up to work."

 

The gossips quickly led to one complete conclusion: something had occurred that night, something that largely upset the two Virginians. However, no one else was in the room where it happened, and curiously, Hamilton did not seem eager to share the events of the evening any further.

 

The following morning, Jefferson finally showed up, and the tension grew quickly when he acted quite peculiarly.

The congressmen all noticed the way he locked himself out of sight, and pandered on if they should confront him or leave him be.

It was the senator Aaron Burr who broke the rumors.

"I met Jefferson on his way to work today. Apparently, he had to move to another apartment due to a small disagreement with Madison."

Everyone knew about Jefferson living in Madison's house since his return to America. Some thought it was widely suspicious and incorrect, while others couldn't care less. But the news brought confusion amongst everybody at the Government: how could James Madison and Thomas Jefferson, best friends since forever, fight to the point where Madison had to throw him out of his house ?

 

The rumors were already loudly animating the congressmen, when James Madison arrived to work, an hour later than usual, and seemed even more tired and sickly than he uses to. He too locked himself in his office without much of a greeting to anyone.

 

The atmosphere was now ultimately heavier, and soon, President George Washington noticed the agitation amongst his people.

He was walking up to his office after a meeting, and overheard for the fourth time in only one hour the names of Thomas Jefferson and James Madison in a whispered conversation.

Annoyed, and a bit curious too, he approached the gentlemen, who straightened up and stopped talking when they noticed him.

"Mister President, sir" greeted one of them.

"What is the meaning of this ? Why is everyone here talking about Jefferson and Madison since this morning ?"

The two congressmen exchanged a furtive look, before the second one nervously cleared his throat.

“Jefferson and Madison met up with Hamilton to discuss his debt plan two days ago. They both just returned to work, and they seem unusually somber. Senator Aaron Burr even said that Jefferson had to leave Madison’s house.”

Washington kept silent for a second or two, thoughtful. These two Virginians were probably the closest friends he’d ever met in his life, apart maybe for Hamilton’s friends during the war. Plus, if Hamilton was involved in a meeting with them, he probably had something to do with their dispute.

He sighed and thanked his men, before continuing his walk. Washington’s thoughts were clouded by the news he just received. If something was up between his most trusted counselors, he had to intervene and solve the issue. A newly founded nation could not afford to rest on fragile foundations. And Washington knew these three men were going to take part in its legacy sooner or later.

 

_I’m going to drop by their offices since I’m in no hurry._

The corridor quickly led him to Jefferson’s door. A few congressmen were chatting in front of it, obviously eavesdropping. Washington frowned internally before this lack of respect of boundaries, but nonetheless greeted the men with a polite smile and dismissed them briefly.

Once they dispersed away from his sight, Washington deemed it correct to knock.

Silence was the only answer he received, and concern cast upon his chest. It was very unlike of Jefferson to be this quiet and unresponsive; the man was very attached to his position and despite his obnoxious personality he remained a sensible and hard-working person.

Washington knocked again, but the result remained the same. Starting to get slightly annoyed, he decided to voice his request.

“Mister Jefferson, I need to speak with you. May I come in ?”

He finally heard a shuffle in the room and some footsteps soon approached the door.

The wooden plank opened slightly, letting Washington catch a glimpse of the almost pitch black office. It pained him to see that Jefferson had locked himself in such an environment. The was usually such a _color-shiny-razzle-dazzle_ - _loving_ person.

He heard a muffled sigh and the door widened a little bit more. In front of him stood a tall figure with curly hair. Though after further notice it seemed the hair was more messy than actually curly. Jefferson had arrived a few days earlier with glittering eyes, large smirk and perfectly combed hair. At this very moment he was more of a pathetic, crouched man with empty eyes, large eye-bags and barely shaved beard.

Washington was slightly taken aback, but tried to remain as professional as possible, at least until they were in the room, away from curious gazes.

“May I enter ?” he repeated.

Jefferson had seemed to doze out, staring at the ground. He straightened up a little bit at Washington’s question and looked at him with eyes lighted by a feeble spark of worry, surprise and...something close to dread.

“Sure” he whispered.

Washington nodded lightly, and walked past him into the room. It smelled like moist, like a room that hasn’t felt fresh air since the previous day.

The curtains behind drawn, he had difficulties finding Jefferson’s desk because of the darkness of the room.

“May I open the widows ?”

He felt Jefferson’s presence a few steps behind him, and wondered why the Virginian was so wary and nervous around him.

“Sure”

The answer seemed hesitant. Washington’s lips curled into a straight line. The talkative Thomas Jefferson was using monosyllables.

He quickly got to the windows and opened them, pulling the curtains aside. The soft breeze and bright light made him blink a few times before he turned around to face his Secretary of State.

He looked even more pitiful with the sun casting light on his features. Jefferson was pale like a sick man, his hair and beard where a mess and the bags under his eyes seemed even more profound. His outfit was crumpled; he had worn the same clothes for days obviously. The once bright purple color was even starting to fade.

Washington refrained a sigh at this view, and begged the tall man to take a seat. Jefferson kept staring at his feet, and sat down at the other edge of his desk. Washington wanted to tell him to sit at his own place, but he felt the other man was too troubled for him to startle him again.

The president sat on the heavy and expensive chair and remained silent, scanning Jefferson a little bit more.

The Virginian had his hands curled into fists on his knees, and his tired and nervous eyes were locked onto them.

“Jefferson...”

The other man’s hand clenched tighter, and Washington sighed.

“Jefferson look at me please.”

Thomas closed his eyes shut and took a deep breath before finally making eye contact with his president.

“Yes sir ?”

His voice was a tiny squeal.

“Jefferson” Washington softly said, “I feel like something is bothering you. Everyone has been noticing your...”unusual” behavior this morning.”

Jefferson remained silent, his eyes occasionally fluttering away and then locking with Washington’s for a few seconds.

“Sir, I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.”

“It’s okay Jefferson, you can tell me if something is bothering you.”

Thomas seemed to regain some of his composure. His orator skills quickly came back. He straightened up, lifted his chin and placed a forced smile on his face. If Washington hadn’t seen him before, he could have sworn the man had never even looked slightly down.

“I assure you everything is fine sir.”

As much as Thomas was an amazing orator, his current performance remained low, for he obviously could not find any excuse for his devastated appearance.

Washington let out a hearty laugh, trying to reassure his Secretary of State.

“C’mon Jefferson ! Don’t take me for a fool ! You can talk to me I don’t bite !”

His laugh seemed to startle him even more, for Jefferson’s eyes widened. He scooted away in his seat, face flushed with embarrassment and anxiety.

‘ _Shit I messed up’_ Washington very eloquently thought.

He tried to show his warmest smile and leaned towards Jefferson.

“Listen Thomas...”

Upon hearing his name, the Virginian’s eyes widened even more.

“... I’m a human being before being your President. I’m concerned about your inner happiness as any friend or boss would be.”

Jefferson looked away, but his features seemed to relax a bit.

He fiddled and gulped, turning back to Washington.

"I... I had an argument with Madison. Nothing much though, just a stupid disagreement. It... It will pass eventually... And it won’t affect my work of course !"

Washington crossed his arms but spoke without anger.

"It already had though don’t you think ?"

Thomas froze again.

"I’m sorry..." he muttered.

"Don’t be. It’s normal to feel down after an argument with someone you care about. I was just stating facts."

The tall Virginian gave him a weak smile, his tired eyes shining with gratefulness and sorrow. He seemed pitifully feeble, and Washington had to fight back the urge to reassure him like a child.

"Do you want to talk about it ?"

Thomas tensed again, and the president could have sworn he saw a glimpse of fear passing through his eyes.

 

It was obviously more than an argument with James.

 

"I... I’ll be fine sir... Thank you for your concern. I’d rather get back to work. The nation can’t afford a slow debut."

Washington scanned his eyes quietly for a few seconds before getting up and shaking his hands.

"You’ve got a strong spirit, Thomas. I like that. I’m sure everything will be fine with James, don’t worry too much"

He could not, he simply could not impose himself in his personal life. Thomas might look desperately helpless, but Washington knew he wasn’t a child. He had to accept his boundaries, even if he felt something was truly wrong about his Secretary.

"Oh and Thomas !"

Jefferson was already plunged into his thoughts when Washington called him from the threshold, and he jumped a little, startled.

"Try to go out and talk to your fellow congressmen during the days. Rumors spread fast.”

“Y...Yes sir !"

If it was not for the already puffed aspect of his cheeks, Washington could have sworn the other man blushed at his comment.

 

*****

 

"What can I do for you, sir ?"

Madison looked impassively calm and collected. Compared to Jefferson’s devastated self, he even looked absolutely stunning. In fact, Madison was known to sleep very little at night, to be often sick or to look grumpy or pissed all the time. A few eye bags and puffy cheeks were no proof of his pain.

When Washington knocked on his door, the congressman quickly opened, his eyes sharp and focused and his spine straight. Madison had sat on his own chair, on his side on the desk, and Washington had taken the seat in front of him. The windows behind the small Virginian were opened, casting shadows upon his frame that made him look stronger and colder.

Even the tone of his voice sounded perfectly usual. Calm, low and sensible.

Everything was normal. Everything was Madison-like.

And yet.

His voice was too harsh, his body was too stiff, his jaw was too clenched.

His eyes were too empty.

Madison was known to hide his emotions to protect himself from those who made fun of him or from the situations in which he could appear weaker than he already was.

But Washington knew him too well not to notice the change in his behavior.

"I’d like to talk about your discussion with Jefferson and Hamilton."

James’ state was way better than Jefferson’s, and Washington felt he was the only one out of the three of them who could answer his questions. Hamilton would probably go on a six hours long rant anyway...

At Washington’s words, James stiffened, and his hands shook briefly. However he managed to remain collected. He was brilliant.

"If your question is related to Hamilton’s debt plan, we found an agreement. Jefferson and I finally managed to get the capital back to the South, while in return I convinced my fellow congressmen to accept Hamilton’s plan. I talked to a few a them this morning and I trust them to share my opinion with the whole chamber. Everything is settled now."

It was indeed, a very unfair deal, but Washington decided to keep this remark to himself. He had come for matters that weren’t linked to politics.

“I thought that Jefferson and you were completely against this plan...”

“We had a diner with Hamilton, we found a deal. I still have doubts about his plans but it could work on the long-run. Plus the South was my priority.”

“But what did Thomas think of that ?"

Madison’s lips twisted in a disdainful curl and he looked away for a split second, his eyebrows furrowing in disgust.

Washington could not believe his own eyes in front of this reaction.

"He did nothing. He didn’t help. I took care of it."

Madison spoke those words with a coldness that was very unlike him, even considering his usual detached self. Washington could not help but feel that his words had a second, deeper meaning.

“Did something happen ?”

Madison shivered, but remained completely passive.

“I mean, at the dinner, between you three...”

“Nothing that should cause you concern. Jefferson and I do not hold Hamilton in our hearts and the feeling is mutual. It was a tense political meeting, and we are simply exhausted.”

Washington was skeptical, but he nodded. If Jefferson was too tensed to answer his questions, Madison was too sharp minded. He did not want to share his knowledge, and was completely able to hold his position. It was no use talking to him.

“Alright then, I won’t bother you any longer. Have a nice afternoon, Madison !”

“My pleasure, sir.”

 

Washington quickly got out and closed the door. Something was desperately off. Something he could not quite grasp. He lacked elements. Hamilton might be the answer to his questions.

He started heading towards the Treasury Secretary’s office. If Madison and Jefferson were acting strangely this morning, Hamilton had seemed perfectly fine. Maybe he knew more than he was showing, and could explain the situation to his president.

A burst of laughter startled Washington as he passed by another one of the corridors. He took a few steps back to see who was being so loud in a federal building. In the morning furthermore.

Several feet in front of him stood four men, three of them happily messing around the fourth one.

“So you’re a Senator now Burr ? That’s so cool !”

“Senator of New York Aaron Buburr !”

“It’s Burr.”

“Whatever, Ay-Ay-Ron...”

“Please I need to work...”

A smile made its way to Washington’s mouth. He had immediately recognized three of Hamilton’s closest friends. The fourth man was none other than Aaron Burr, who seemed quite annoyed by the other boisterous guys.

“Mulligan ! Lafayette ! Laurens ! It’s good to see you there !”

They immediately stopped jumping around Burr, who took his chance to escape the hallway quietly.

“Monsieur Washington !” Lafayette exclaimed, his eyes shining with cheerfulness. He quickly opened his long arms to pull Washington into a tight embrace. Years had passed, but the French man was still as happy-go-lucky as ever.

“It’s a pleasure to see you again”, added Laurens with a polite but genuine smile, while Mulligan crossed his arms and nodded.

“I’m more than glad to have you guys backing up the development of our government. I’m sure Alex will be very excited to see you again.”

The three others’ eyes sparkled when they heard their friend’s name.

“Where is ‘e by the way ? We couldn’t find ‘is office through all these ‘allways, and we didn’t ‘ave the time to ask Burr for a direction.”

Washington smiled and chuckled.

“Right this way good sirs. But I’m afraid I have matters to discuss with him. Would you be so kind as to wait here for a few minutes ?”

“No problem sir !”

Washington chuckled again at hearing Mulligan’s choice of words. He was indeed a very nice and strong fellow, but he still had to improve his vocabulary if he wanted to be genuinely listened to during debates.

Washington nodded and walked a few meters more to reach Hamilton’s doorstep.

“Hamilton ?”

He heard a ruffle inside the room.

“...Y...yeah ?”

“Alex it’s me. Can I come in ?”

“Hum... I mean sure. The door’s unlocked.”

Washington frowned. There was something wrong about Hamilton’s voice.

He turned the doorknob and entered.

Washington was left speechless.

“Son... what happened to you ?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was more of a "calm after the storm before the bigger storm" chapter aha !  
> I mean, nothing worse than the previous chapter of course.
> 
> Washington isn't going to have a big role though, I just needed him for a few story-line related issues
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and comments ! Next chapter will follow shortly


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cabinet Battle n°2, and tears again.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD/ Rape (flashbacks)/ Victim Blaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD/ Rape (flashbacks)/ Victim Blaming

“Son... What happened to you ?”

Hamilton was sat at his desk, roughly rubbing his reddened eyes and sniffling. He looked at Washington with shining eyes, daring him to say something comforting.

“I’m fine.”, he croaked.

Washington sighed. Alexander was no man to let himself appear weak.

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it ?”

“It’s only allergies...”

The tinier man mumbled these words and crossed his arms. He was obviously upset. As far as Washington knew, Hamilton didn’t have any allergies.

“Right... Listen, I came here to talk about your meeting with Madison and Jefferson”

He saw Alexander’s muscles tensing briefly, and the Caribbean man looked at him curiously.

“I got them to accept my debt plan. You can’t call for my removal now, you promised.”

“I’m not here to put you off charge don’t worry. I’m here to talk about the meeting himself.”

Hamilton laid down in his chair, trying to look annoyed.

“What about the meeting ?”, he grumbled.

“Don’t pull that attitude on me, son...”

“I’m not your son...”

Washington sighed. This man was incorrigible.

“Did something happen ? At the meeting I mean...”

“I convinced these two assholes to listened to my plan and they bowed in front of my genius.”

“First of all, language, and I know them well enough to tell they are not the type who bows.”

“Well maybe they didn’t, but they sure as hell weren’t all that proud of themselves when I left.”

He snickered after saying this, and Washington shook his head.

“But nothing strange happened ? Something unusual ?”

“Well, not that I know about... Why these questions ?”

He had a bright smile on his face. Maybe too bright. A bit forced even.

“I mean, Madison and Jefferson don’t look so well this morning. I assumed you knew something about it. Plus, you don’t really seem completely fine either...”

“I _am_ fine actually. Just allergies. And I spent the night writing essays but that’s nothing new.”

“I didn’t know you had allergies.”

“Well I do. And I don’t know why Jefferson and Madison are upset. It’s not always my fault when bad things happen.”

He said that very harshly, and Washington was taken aback. Hamilton briefly averted his gaze and lowered his voice.

“But maybe you don’t know me so well...”

Washington’s heart twitched, but he didn’t let his face show it.

“Fine.”

That was all he could say. Otherwise his voice would break. Three of his closest and dearest friends were feeling terrible, and none of them trusted him enough to talk to him. Even Alexander rejected him.

“We should go, we have a cabinet meeting to attend in just a few minutes.”

“You’re right, Hamilton. Your friends are waiting for you in the corridors.”

Alexander nodded. He got up and walked straight past his president, tensed, not even bothering to look at him. Washington got up and followed him. Just before Hamilton passed the door, Washington reached out his hand.

“Son...”

“Let’s go, _sir_.”

 

His hand dropped down.

 

***

 

“The issue on the table: France is on the verge of war with England. And do we provide aid and our troops to our French allies or do we stay out of it ? Remember, my decision on this matter is not subject to congressional approval. The only person you have to convince is me. Secretary Jefferson, you have the floor, sir.”

 

That’s it. That was his cue. Step up. Straighten your back. Smirk. Say something smart. A quote.

_I don’t know what to say._

Jefferson’s mind was blank. Everything he had done so far vanished.

So he just went straight to the point.

“When we were on death’s door when we were needy, we made a promise. We signed a treaty. We needed money and guns and half a chance. Uh who provided those funds ?”

 

Here. Here was the mistake.

_James won’t talk to me._

Jefferson quickly looked over to where Madison was standing, a few feet behind him. His heart was thumping in his chest when he saw the smaller one looking back at him briefly, with eyes full of disgust.

But Madison was a professional. He knew when to keep personal matters out of the workplace. So he just sighed.

“France.”

Jefferson’s heart twitched. No smile, no smirk were plastered on his friend’s lips. The famous “obviously going to win” smile was absent. The reassuring “this speech is amazing Thomas, well done !” smirk was absent.

Everything felt empty.

He turned around, with his eyes lost, and caught a glimpse of Washington, who was looking at him with concern. Then in front of him, Hamilton, smirking.

“In return they didn’t ask for land...”

_Speak. Say what you have to say._

He was on autopilot, rushing into his arguments and staring at the congressmen around him to avoid focusing on the persons that made him feel so desperately helpless.

Washington’s concern.

Hamilton’s smirk.

Madison’s disgust.

 

_You’re weak._

 

Stay calm and speak.

 

_You could have pushed harder._

 

Stay calm and speak.

 

_It’s your fault._

 

No it’s not.

 

_It’s your fault._

 

No it’s Hamilton’s !

 

Saying this he startled himself awake from his panic and saw Hamilton’s smirk. So close, so close to him. Stay back.

 

Hamilton.

 

_Hamilton Hamilton Hamilton_

 

“I know that Alexander Hamilton is here and he would rather not have this debate.”

 

Pronouncing his name burned his throat. His eyes burned his skin.

 

I hate you.

 

_I hate you I hate you I hate you_

 

Then Thomas snapped.

“I remind you that he is _not_ Secretary of State !”

 

_I am. I am Thomas Jefferson. I am strong. Stronger._

 

Weak.

 

“He knows nothing of loyalty.”

 

_He hurt Madison. He hurt him, used him. His friend. He hurt his friend. My friend. Jemmy._

 

“Smells like new money, dresses like fake royalty”

 

_I know his smell. I know his clothing. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen it all from so close. So...so... close..._

 

“Desperate to rise above his station, everything he does betrays the ideals of our nation.”

 

_He hurt James to get where he stands now. He hurt. He hurt. He raped. He destroys. He hurt so much._

 

“And if you don’t know, now you know, mister President.”

 

_Save us._

 

But his call could not be heard. The president couldn’t hear him, couldn’t hear his prayers. He saw him turning around to face Hamilton.

 

_Don’t turn your back on me. Don’t turn your back on Madison._

 

_Save us._

 

“Secretary Hamilton, your response.”

 

_No. Save him._

 

“You must be out of your goddamn mind !”

 

_Stay back. Stay away. Don’t yell._

 

Say no to this.

 

“... if you think the president is gonna bring the nation to the brink of meddling in the middle of a military mess.”

 

The president. The president must help.

 

_Who ? Who must he helps ?_

 

_James._

 

_France._

 

_Don’t speak like that Jemmy. Smile for me I need you Jemmy._

 

It was playing again in his mind.

 

_France._

 

The voice. Cold. Colder than ice.

 

_It’s mister Madison to you, Jefferson._

 

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

 

_Help._

 

James is hurt.

 

_Save him._

 

Jefferson was lost into the hurricane of his thoughts, and all he could think about was James. The small, sweetest and dearest friend he ever had. He once had.

 

_He hates me._

 

_Could have pushed harder._

 

_Stop._

 

_Say no to this._

 

_Help._

 

_Say it !_

 

_Weak._

 

_Save him._

 

_Stop !_

 

“... I’m super _dead_ !”

Jefferson jumped back, startled by Hamilton’s yell. He was close. He was an inch away from him. Brown daring eyes. A smirk.

 

_Dead._

He wished he was dead.

 

Hamilton.

 

Himself.

 

Dead.

 

“Enough ! Hamilton is right !”

Thomas somehow heard Lafayette’s voice in the distance. He looked up, lips slightly parted and eyes empty.

Lafayette seemed furious, he was angrily shouting at Washington, yelling just as much as he was begging.

“Mister President !”

“We’re too fragile to start another fight.”

“But sir, do we not fight for freedom ?”

 

_Freedom. Free. Free me._

 

“Sure when the French figure out who’s gonna lead them.”

“The people are leading !”

“The people are rioting, there’s a difference. Frankly it’s a little disquieting you would let your ideals blind you to reality. Hamilton !”

 

_Hamilton._

 

Jefferson took a quick glance at the smaller man. Alexander was standing proudly next to Washington. Thomas felt soothed to see him this far from him. He managed to take a deep breathe, even if his hands were still slightly shaking.

 

“Draft a statement of neutrality.”

“Yes sir !”

 

Wait. No. That wasn’t how it was supposed to play out. That wasn’t what Thomas had fought for.

Washington left the room and Jefferson saw Lafayette screaming at Hamilton.

“Did you forget me ? ‘Ave you an once of regret ? You accumulate debts you accumulate powers but in our ‘our of need you forget.”

“French people are smart men they’ll be fine.”

Lafayette barely seemed to listen to the rest of Hamilton’s arguments. His fists were shaking and he was on the verge of tears. A strong man with a headband tried to soothe him by silently posing a hand on his shoulders, and Lafayette broke down in his arms.

The other man shoot a death glare at Hamilton and he seemed to be telling him something but his voice was too low for Jefferson to understand him.

Behind Alexander stop a freckled guy which seemed to be hesitant. His eyes were fluttering between the two embraced men and Hamilton. Finally, he seemed to stand by Alexander’s side, for he spoke to Lafayette and his partner with a condescending look on his face.

Jefferson watched the scene without really understanding its meaning. Lafayette seemed terribly sad. Devastated even.

Why ? What happened ?

Then it hit him again.

 

_Draft a statement of neutrality._

 

He had lost. He had lost against Hamilton. He was a failure. He should have known he was going to lose anyway, because James didn’t smile at him during his intervention. If James wasn’t smirking then it meant it was a lost case.

 

_James._

 

Where was he ? He had to apologize to him. He had to say something. He had to see him. He needed to see him.

Jefferson’s heart rate increased and he turned around to look for his friend. But James wasn’t behind him anymore.

 

_Where is he where is he where is he_

 

Don’t leave.

 

Suddenly Thomas heard a voice. A soft, low voice coming from behind him.

He turned back.

Hamilton had left with the freckled man. Lafayette and his friend were now alone in the room, talking to... _James_.

 

Thomas’ throat made a strangled noise when he saw that Madison was smiling. He hadn’t seen him smile for days. His heart swelled at this sight, and he felt a soft tug lifting the corner of his lips.

He hadn’t seen James smile since the brush. The brush on the lips. Jefferson could not define it. He dared not to. It was just a brush, a soft touch that seemed to make James so happy at the time. That made _him_ so happy. He could give his leg to see James looking this sweet again.

 

Jefferson remained silent, fearing that if he moved, Madison would notice him and stop smiling. But soon the three men turned around and headed towards the exit. Towards him.

And Jefferson was right. The light in Madison’s eyes died out at the sight of him.

 

_Cold. Colder than ice._

 

Jefferson’s heart tightened and he felt his eyes stinging. Layette waved at him with a bright smile. His eyes were still reddened by tears, and the headband man stood protectively behind him.

Thomas choked down his tears and waved back.

 

_Smile._

 

“Monsieur Jefferson !”

“Monsieur Lafayette !”

“Thank you for trying to convince Washington to ‘elp France.”

 

Thomas let out a hearty laugh.

 

_Don’t let them know what you feel like._

 

“It was only natural.”

“Still, it’s good to see that not all of my congressmen friends ‘ave forgotten about our friendship.”

 

His expression darkened briefly while saying this, but he quickly smiled back.

 

“Oh I forgot ! Jefferson, this is my friend, ‘ercules Mulligan.”

“It’s _Hercules_ , Laf’. With an _h._ ”

“Oh _peu importe_ ”, mumbled the tall Frenchman while elbowing his friend’s shoulder, “ _Hercules_ , this is Thomas Jefferson.”

“Pleased to meet you, Mulligan.”

Hercules nodded politely. He was obviously more concerned by his friend’s mental state at this very moment.

Lafayette then proceeded to go on rambling, which was a type of speech that seemed to suit him perfectly.

“Since we’re only ‘ere for a limited amount of time, ‘amilton ‘ad proposed to lend us a room in ‘is ‘ouse. But as I told James, I could not stand to sleep under ‘is roof tonight. So Madison kindly offered to give us a room at ‘is ‘ome, isn’t it great Thomas ?”

 

Jefferson’s world shattered around him. He looked briefly at James, trying to stay calm. Madison averted his gaze.

Thomas could not believe his ears. He wanted to cry, to scream, to yell at Lafayette and Mulligan to stay away from his James, but he couldn’t. Because James wasn’t his. James hated him. James didn’t want to speak to him anymore. James had several empty guest rooms at his house and he had chosen to make good use of them by lending them to some friends. And not to Thomas. Because Thomas was not a friend.

 

“It...it’s great.”

 

It was not.

It was terrible.

Why would James do this ?

Thomas looked at Madison for a split second. His face was dark, empty. He was ignoring him.

Jefferson took a deep breath.

 

“It truly is great. James have superb suites for you guys.”

“Ahaha it’s alright. We’ll only need one anyway.”

Thomas was perplexed.

“What do you mean ?”

“Well...”

Lafayette and Mulligan shared a look, both nervous but smiling. A soft smile. And soft eyes. The tension between them was made of pure endearment.

“... Mulligan and I don’t mind sleeping together. We did it a lot of times during the war, when the tents lodged many soldiers at a time. We don’t want to take too much place at James’ ‘ouse, so we’ll share a room to avoid creating any nuisance to our ‘ost.”

It was a lie. A blatant lie. But neither Jefferson nor Madison said anything. Maybe because they liked the two partners and didn’t want to create tension or bring them troubles. Maybe because they were themselves too preoccupied by different matters to bother picking at two innocent lovers. Maybe because themselves had one day lost themselves to the temptation of the forbidden fruit.

 

_A soft brush on the lips._

 

In any case, Jefferson just smiled and nodded, and Lafayette let out a relieved smile.

Mulligan was more discreet, but he too was relieved, and he looked at his partner with fond eyes.

Something bit the inside of Jefferson’s chest. He ignored it. He had nothing to be jealous of. Homosexuality was a sin, and James hated him anyway. There was no hope involved.

 

Still, this tender sight relieved him from some of his stress and he managed to turn to James.

“Can I talk to you for a minute before you guys leave ?”

James’ eyes met his for a split second, and Jefferson’s heart simply stopped. When he spoke, Madison’s tone was low and indifferent.

“Sure.”

Thomas bit back his sorrow, and he cracked a fake smile. Madison’s voice was cold. Colder than ice.

 

“Well then, we’ll wait for you outside, Madison. Goodbye Thomas !”

“Lafayette. Mulligan.”

 

Thomas nodded back and watched as they exited the room, standing really close to each other.

The door closed with a loud slam, and then nothing. Only silence.

Thomas did not dare to look Madison in the eye.

“So what do you want, Jefferson ?”

 

_Thomas. It’s Thomas._

 

“I... hum... listen... I...”

Thomas struggled to find his words. He had turned around to see the smaller man’s face but he could not bear the weight of his reproaching, cold eyes.

He took a deep breath.

“James listen I’m so sor-”

“Madison. It’s mister Madison.”

 

_No. Please... Jemmy..._

 

“Sorry, hum, _Madison_ , listen I... I think... we should talk.”

“We are talking.”

“I mean... about _it._ Talking about _what happened_.”

“Oh really ? Just now ? I thought you couldn’t speak about your problems ?”

 

He could. He could but it was so hard. He tried so hard to tell him.

 

“We... we need to move on... and it’s the only way-”

“To _move on_? I’m sorry Thomas but I don’t think you quite grasp how much of a nightmare I went through these past few days.”

 

_He called me Thomas._

 

“Stop smiling I’m serious !”

 

_I can’t. You called me Thomas._

 

“Do you even know how hard it has been to wake up this morning ? And the morning before ? How my mind was playing back again and again what happened ? How my whole body was shaking ? How much it hurt ?”

“I’m so sorry...”

“It’s too late for that !”

 

Madison had screamed these last words. Jefferson said nothing and stared at him in awe. James’ eyes were shining with tears and anger, and his jaw was twisted out of pain.

 

_I’m so sorry Jemmy..._

 

_Save him._

 

The anger in Madison’s eyes died out, and he remained silent. He looked at his feet, and his voice finally came out, broken and fragile.

 

“You did nothing. You watched me being... being _raped_ by this monster and you did nothing.”

  


He was crying.

 

_Jemmy..._

 

Jefferson took a small step forward. Madison was shaking like a leaf. Droplets of tears were dripping from his eyes.

 

_Jemmy..._

 

Jefferson got even closer, walking slowly. He was an inch away from Madison. James wasn’t responding. He kept looking at the ground.

 

Jefferson reached out his hand, slowly, so slowly. He didn’t want to startle him. He didn’t want to see him run away.

Gently, he laid a finger of Madison’s cheek. It was trembling, and it quivered at the touch.

Ever so slowly, Jefferson laid another finger, then another, until his whole hand was cupping the soft, chubby, wet cheek.

Thomas was holding his breath.

 

_Do not startle him._

 

He softly lifted James’ chin, and finally saw his face.

 

_Jemmy..._

 

Madison was sobbing quietly, his cheeks dripping with tears.

 

Everything shut down.

 

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

 

_I love you._

 

Say it.

 

Everything fell silent.

Thomas softly brushed his lips against Madison’s. It felt like a featherlike touch fallen from heaven, and Thomas’ breath was cut short. The warm brush seemed surreal, and Thomas felt like he could melt against James’ tender, plump, oh so sweet lips.

His hands delicately reached for James’ neck, and he pulled him closer, gently crashing their lips a little more against each other.

Jefferson’s stomach was full of butterflies, and his chest felt heavy with endearment and warmth.

Time had stopped around them.

He reopened his eyes to see that Madison wasn’t crying anymore. His eyes were softly closed, he looked at peace. Jefferson could not help but smile against his lips. He broke down the kiss to rest his forehead against James’. The small Virginian gasped and slightly opened his eyes. His lips were parted, as if he was out of breath or yearning for more. He looked adorably vulnerable, and Jefferson’ smile widened at James’ reaction. He reached out his hands, and gently dried out the tear streams on the smaller one’s cheeks.

Everything felt perfect at this very moment. All the events from the past few days seemed so far away. Hamilton’s violence did not stand a chance against the softness of this kiss.

 

_Kiss._

Yes. It was a kiss. He had kissed James. He loved him and he wanted to tell the whole world about it.

 

They both looked into each other’s gaze for a few seconds. Jefferson’s eyes widened in front of the deepness, the softness of Madison’s shining black pupils. Thomas was at peace. He felt like he could just stay here and forget everything.

 

Then James pulled away.

 

Jefferson reached out his hand, but the other stepped back.

 

“James ?”

Thomas felt lost. He felt cold away from the smaller one’s body. Colder than ice.

 

James shook his head, and shivered. He quickly looked at him, his mouth gaped as if he was trying to say something. His eyes were full of fear and sorrow.

 

“I’m sorry...” he whispered.

“What ? Why ? I don’t understand.”

 

He didn’t want to understand.

 

James shook his head again and swiftly walked past him towards the door.

 

Thomas’s heart was beating fast, really fast. He was full of incomprehension, and a strange feeling of despair started to grow within his chest, choking him.

 

_No. It can’t be..._

 

“James...” he called out with a broken voice.

 

Madison stopped just in front of the door, and slowly turned back. He seemed hesitant.

Jefferson’s eyes widened when he saw the look on his face: James seemed devastated.

 

“I’m sorry Thomas... I can’t”

 

Broken voice.

 

The door slammed behind him.

 

“Jemmy....”

 

Broken heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peu importe = it doesn't matter
> 
> So we got a crying Hamilton and an almost fluffy Jeffmads
> 
> What could go wrong ? (cough cough)
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and comments ! I'll see if I post another chapter today (I kinda want to but aaaah my schedule damnit)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some big decisions happen, and some funny discussions happen.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: smut (kinda)/PTSD/Victim Blaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: smut (kinda)/PTSD/Victim Blaming
> 
> Read at your own risks.

Two days had passed since the last cabinet meeting, and America was officially positioned as neutral regarding the France/Britain conflict.

Jefferson hadn’t tried to reach out to Washington because he knew it would be pointless. The President was determined to keep up his position.

To be truly fair, Thomas wasn’t really that worried about this war anymore: he had other problems to take care of.

On one side of his mind lingered his concern for Hamilton’s rise to power, his unsatisfiable thirst for money and control. The debt plan passed, the Treasury was only growing now, increasing Hamilton’s impact at the Government.

On the other side, Lafayette’s sorrow concerning the French war wasn’t fading away, and sources assured that he and Hercules Mulligan were still living in James’s house. Gossips were even beginning to spread that Madison was engaged in sinful relationships with them. These rumors were only hurting Thomas, who was believed to be James’s former lover.

_He should be more careful. His position at the government can be compromised if these stories continue to grow. Hell ! His life c_ _ould_ _be endangered._

His heart tightened at the thought of his sweet James being charged for gross indecency. He could be forced to resign, whipped, even _executed._

Thomas shook his head. On top of all his concerns obviously stood his current disastrous relationship with James. He hadn’t seen him since the cabinet meeting, and honestly it was understandable.

Jefferson sighed and blushed. He was currently in his work office, so no one could see him getting flustered.

He had kissed Madison. He had kissed him not even three days after Hamilton had fucking _raped him._

What the hell was he thinking ? Of course it would have frightened him ! Of course he would have been terrified to engage contact again ! With a man furthermore !

Thomas’s muscles shivered when memories from that night came back to him. He had been uselessly watching as Madison was being kissed and abused, crying, shaking, begging, yelling.

Utterly useless.

_I have to make it back to him. I have to talk to him, we need to sort it out. We can’t just... just suffer eternally from a trauma we’ve never been able to talk about._

Jefferson looked down on his paper and tried to focus on his work. He’ll talk to Madison as soon as he sees him again. He had to stop cowering and show him how much he cared about him. How much he loved him. Thomas’ cheeks darkened again. He had always found the smallest man handsome, but never had he ever thought about him as a lover. Madison had always been his best friend. You can’t find your best friend attractive can you ?

As his mind was obviously running wild rather than focusing on his poor blank paper, his door suddenly slammed opened. Startled, Jefferson shot up and tried to keep his composure by talking first. It was Aaron Burr, the senator of New York.

“Aaron Burr, sir ! What owes me the pleasure ?”

“Mister Jefferson, I came here to discuss the matter of Alexander Hamilton.”

His voice sounded grave, and he himself seemed agitated, almost annoyed.

“And what did you want to tell me ?”

Burr took a deep breathe and walked to the window without sparing a glance in Jefferson’s direction.

_He thinks he owns the place or wha’ ?_

 

“I was just thinking that... it must be nice for him to have Washington on his side.”

Jefferson raised his brow and smirked. He saw where Burr was coming.

“Yeah, ev’ry action has its equal opposite reaction. Thanks to Hamilton our cabinet’s fractured into factions.”

Burr nodded, and Thomas moved his hand to get him to sit down in front of him.

“Listen,” he added, “I get no satisfaction witnessing his fits of passion. I’ll pull the trigger on him, just load the gun and cock it. While we were all watching he got Washington in his pocket.”

And in some ways, he _would_ pull the trigger on this man. For so, oh so many reasons...

“Yes, and if you look down on the Bill of Right...”

“Which Madison wrote !”

“The ink hasn’t dried ! Now follow the scent of his enterprise...”

Thomas stopped and thought for a few seconds, recollecting the pros and cons he had established on Hamilton’s plan.

“Centralizing national credit and making American credit competitive,” he finally said.

Burr nodded.

“If we don’t stop it we aid and abet it ! Someone has to stand up to his mouth !”

That was when realization cast upon Jefferson’s mind.

“I have to resign,” he muttered.

Burr seemed very pleased to see that his point was understood.

“Yes, this immigrant isn’t somebody we chose. Let’s follow the money and see where it goes. Hamilton must have done some misdeeds in the past, we’ll get to him !”

Thomas nodded absent-mindedly. That was it ? Have they just found the perfect plan to destroy Hamilton ? Oh Madison was going to be so happy to hear that...

_He should have been here, debating with Burr and I…_

Burr got to his feet and held out his hand, which Jefferson shook firmly. A small smirk appeared on the Virginian’s lips.

“Let’s show these Federalists who they’re up against....”

“Southern Motherfucking Democratic Republicans !”

 

***

 

Jefferson stood in front of Washington’s office. He just had his little discussion with Burr, and they had agreed that Jefferson would go announce his resignation to the President while Burr was going to talk about their plan to Madison.

Thomas would have wished to go see the small Virginian himself, but he obviously couldn’t ask Burr to submit his resignation by delegation.

_I’ll go to his office later._

He was tired of not seeing him, tired of fearing their talk, tired of scooting away under his usually so soft eyes. And he was also sick of panicking at the simple sight of Hamilton, of not being able to think straight, to be calm and collected. He had to find a way to remain cold-blooded in front of these two. Last time he failed to stay in control, Madison was badly hurt.

It could _not_ happen again.

Jefferson sighed and knocked and the door. Washington’s deep voice begged him to enter, and Thomas found himself suddenly worrying about the way he was going to announce his decision.

_Just tell him. He’s not gonna bite. We both are grown men._

He was greeted by the warm smile of the old Virginian.

“Ah Jefferson ! It’s a pleasure to see you !”

Thomas was slightly pained to see that the veteran looked so relieved to see him. Almost eager, even.

_He must think I came here to talk about my problems..._

Last time, Jefferson had refused to talk to him, and Washington was obviously very concerned. But Thomas wasn’t here to seek a therapist.

“Sir, I came here to submit my resignation.”

He had to be blunt. But the sheer look of confusion and pain that appeared on Washington’s face made him feel terribly guilty.

“Wh... What ? Why ? What do you mean ? Did something happened ?”

He was obviously linking the resignation to Jefferson’s odd behaviour from a few days ago.

“Nothing happened, sir. I just realized I couldn’t sit in the cabinet, complicit in, watching as _some people_ grab the power and kiss it. Since you’re not going to listen to your disciplined dissidents, this is the difference: I’m running for President as a member of my party, the Democratic Republicans.”

At the end of his speech, Washington’s answer took longer to come. The poor chubby man seemed thoughtful yet concerned.

“I... I must admit it is quite a surprise Jefferson. But I understand. Thank you for your service.”

Jefferson nodded silently, and turned his back to reach the door. They had nothing more to talk about, and if he stayed he felt it would have been harder for both of them. They had always been close. The original Southern Motherfuckers.

“Thomas...”

Jefferson tensed.

“If there is anything you want to talk to me about, I...”

“Thank you sir, but I’m fine.”

“... Very well then...”

“Goodbye, sir.”

Thomas opened the door and closed it behind him. He was about to let out a relieved sigh, when his eyes caught a small figure standing against the wall a few feet to his left.

His heart skipped a bit.

_James !_

Jefferson could not help but smile weakly, his eyes shimmering with delight and endearment. But these reactions were only coming from old habits, and he quickly remembered his current place: there was nothing to smile about.

Madison had tensed up when he noticed the other Virginian’s gaze upon him. He crossed his arms and remained as neutral as possible, still leaning against the wall. James averted his eyes, and he turned his head to the opposite direction.

Thomas gulped, then tightened his fists, tensing up. It was now or never. He had to show Madison he was a grown, strong man, willing to engage a conversation with him.

He quickly walked towards his former best friend and greeted him as warmly and casually as his dry throat allowed him to.

“Well hello, James. It’s nice to see you. What are you doing standing there ? Waiting for someone ?”

He had spoken too fast. He had asked too many questions. He had been absolutely unnatural.

He had called him James. And James barely reacted.

Thomas could feel his heart beating upon realizing that Madison had accepted him calling him James.

The smaller Virginian turned his head, barely looking at Jefferson. Thomas noticed his fluttering eyes and cowering position.

_Is he afraid of me ?_

This thought froze his blood and he quickly brushed it away.

“I’m waiting for Lafayette...”

Madison’s voice came out as monotone, neutral, but very low and weak. Jefferson, still pained to realize James wasn’t in fact waiting for him, couldn’t help but notice his friend’s behavior. He raised his brow. Madison appeared as small as ever, scooted against the wall, averting his gaze, his voice mumbling barely audible words.

That’s when it hit him.

_He is flustered. He doesn’t know how to react because of our kiss._

Jefferson wasn’t quite sure about how he felt towards this interpretation. He should feel bad for disturbing Madison, for seeing him in such a state because of him, but he only felt hopeful. If James reacted this way, it meant that the kiss provoked a positive reaction right ?

_Or maybe it’s shame._

Of course. Of course it was shame. Thomas’ smile dropped. His hope died out, leaving his bones and heart to absolute coldness.

He nonetheless tried to put on a fake smile, but words could not leave his lips.

Madison finally looked into his eyes briefly, but the contact lasted a second only.

It was enough to shatter Jefferson’s heart. He was so beautiful and perfect.

_But he is not yours._

_He’ll never be._

 

As Thomas’s world was beginning to crumble all around him, a cheerful, heavily accented voice boomed from behind him .

“Thomas ! Mon ami ! It’s a pleasure to see you again !”

Thomas turned around and saw Lafayette waving at them, walking rapidly with a bright smile on his face.

 

_Smile._

 

“Cher Lafayette, it’s good to see ya too ! How are things going for you ?”

“Well I ‘aven’t talked to ‘amilton yet so Mulligan and I are still living with James.”

Thomas’ heart sank a bit, but he let nothing appear.

“And where is this dear Mulligan right now ?”

Lafayette’s face lightened up even more if it was physically possible when he heard the tailor’s name.

“Oh ‘e is at James’ ‘ouse working on some clothes ‘e wanted to finish. ‘e does that to pass time since ‘e is not needed at the Government today.”

“Don’t Washington or Hamilton have something for him to do ?”

“No, not that I could think of. I think that everyone is finally getting some rest after the rush that followed the independence. You Americans are not used to leisure time,” he heartily laughed, “We French people do it all the time ! _Une petite sieste_ never ‘urts !”

Jefferson could not help but smile at the marquis’ boisterous personality. He was indeed a very likable man, if not a bit too energetic. Thomas caught a glimpse of Madison’ small smile. The tiny Virginian’s eyes were shining with a soft and amused light, and Jefferson’s heart twitched in his chest.

“Oh I ‘ave an idea !” Lafayette suddenly blurted out, “Why don’t you come ‘ave diner with us tomorrow evening ? I miss ‘aving lunch with you, Thomas ! Plus, you’re James’ friend, I’m sure ‘e’ll be delighted to ‘ave you over !”

Jefferson took a quick glance at Madison. The smallest man seemed slightly taken aback by Lafayette’s spontaneity.

“Oh hum...”

His eyes darted from Lafayette to Thomas and from Thomas to the ground.

“Well... sure.”

“ _Parfait_ ! Then it’s settled ! Oh and John Laurens was already coming over tomorrow too, so you’ll finally get to meet ‘im. Anyway, see you tomorrow, Thomas !”

Not even seconds after he said that, Lafayette and Madison had disappeared outside. Well to be fair, Lafayette had dragged Madison outside, very quickly, very forcefully.

Thomas was left in shock. He stood there, lips parted, silent.

_I’m going back to James’ house tomorrow._

He was delighted. He was overjoyed beyond words. Madison had accepted, more or less aware of what was happening. But the result was the same: Jefferson was going back to Madison’s place.

The house he had lived in.

The house his loved one lived in.

The house in which they shared their first kiss, their soft brush on the lips.

 

_The house in which Hamilton raped them._

 

*****

 

“I’m telling you King George is perplex as to however the ‘ell we’re gonna keep on replacing whoever’s in charge ! ‘e says that we’re gonna eat the next one alive !”

“Dude you’re French. You’re supposed to say _oui oui_ and not _we we_.”

“ _Ferme-la_ , Herc !”

Lafayette gently nudged the dark-skinned man, who just let out a loud chuckle.

The diner was coming to an end, and with the dessert approaching, the consumption of alcohol increased. John Laurens had been smiling lazily for thirty minutes now, cheeks rosy and heated. Lafayette, being the good French person he was, was able to handle the beverage better than most of the people around the table. And yet, he was getting noticeably touchy, especially with Mulligan, who was himself quite giggly. Only Madison and Jefferson remained relatively sober. Madison was sat next to Thomas, at the corner of the table. This meant that the tall Virginian was able to look at him regularly without having to move his head.

James was being really silent. He kept a keen eye on the three others’ alcohol consumption, even if they were absolutely not listening to his small warnings each time they poured themselves another glass. Jefferson had to stop himself from chuckling each time the small Virginian sighed with a pouty mouth.

Occasionally, James would spare him a furtive glance, before looking back to the three loud mouthed counselors.

Jefferson was not sure on how to take those reactions. Was James mad ? Embarrassed ? Flustered ?

_Probably ashamed..._

 

Yeah...true...

 

“I have to admit it was quite a surprise to hear that Washington decided to step down, and not to run for President,” Mulligan added, thoughtful, “With Thomas resigning, the government is at its weakest...”

“I would not say weak,” Jefferson corrected, “Let’s just say there’ll obviously be some changes...”

“But are you really going to stop politics, Jefferson ?” Laurens asked.

Thomas chuckled and took a sip of wine. It was a habit he had when he was about to say something important. At least when he had wine near him...

“Well, I’m actually stepping down so I can run for President.”

There were loud questions and exclamations after his declaration.

“You serious man ?”

“Thomas that’s awesome but why so suddenly ?”

“What about John Adams ? Some say he’s obviously going to be the next president !”

Thomas wasn’t listening to them. He was smirking, proud of his dramatical effect. He answered the questions briefly, but he could not help but spare quick glances towards Madison.

James was staring at him intensely for once. He seemed to be analyzing him, and Thomas felt his whole body burning up. He had missed these direct interactions with the smaller man, but he could not feel at ease under this judgmental gaze.

Finally, the conversation drifted away from the electoral topic. The alcohol flowed, especially between the three hotheads. Soon, Lafayette was on Mulligan’s knees, chuckling and blushing.

Jefferson shifted in his seat, uncomfortable.

_Oh let’s break the damn ice..._

“So... are you two... like... a thing ?”

Lafayette and Mulligan stopped cooing at each other, and they turned to face Jefferson, a mix of embarrassment and shame on their faces.

Thomas was probably blushing too at this point. Mostly because of his blunt question, but also because now Madison was looking at him awkwardly.

“Well...” began Lafayette, “We met during the war and we got along pretty fine. And we... well things added up and ‘ere we are.”

“I see.”

Jefferson tried to show a reassuring smile, even if he still felt everything but at ease. Homosexuality was illegal, but he had never truly understood the reasons. Maybe because he wasn’t very religious, maybe because he was open-minded, maybe because he liked his new friends and never had a problem with gay people...

_Maybe because I like James an awful lot..._

Thankfully, Lafayette and Mulligan seemed more at ease. Proud of himself, Thomas poured himself another cup of fine. Newly confident, he turned to Laurens.

“And you ? Interested in someone ? A lady ? A sir ?”

Laurens blushed heavily and the couple next to him snickered loudly. Thomas had found a weak spot.

“Well I hum... I mean... There might be someone but he’s married and hum...”

“Really ? Who’s this lucky one ?”

Lafayette and Mulligan snickered louder and Laurens gave them a dirty look. He took another sip of wine.

“It’s... well... I kind of like Hamilton...”

Thomas’ heart skipped a beat and his eyes widened. Next to him, James tensed up. It was a joke. It couldn’t be anything but a joke, right ?

“Oh hum... that’s nice... I’m sure he is a much more likable person in private.”

_He wasn’t. Not with them._

Laurens smiled weakly and looked away, sipping his wine nervously.

Lafayette’s loud voice startled them all.

“Since it appears we’re launched into a confession time, Thomas why don’t you tell us about your own love life ?”

Jefferson, still shocked by Laurens’ answer, blinked rapidly.

“I ? Oh hum you know... I’m like... hum free like the wind ? I don’t have anyone particularly...”

“I see... But tell me, mon ami, boy or girl ?”

Thomas opened his mouth but could not speak for a few seconds. Dammit, why did this man have to always be so blunt ?

“Well hum... I’d say girls but hum there is... I mean no one ! But maybe boys too I don’t know...”

“Awww you sure “no one” ?”

Lafayette and Mulligan were now smirking, while Laurens seemed very interested. Madison was silently sipping another cup of wine. Ah Thomas was so jealous of his self-control skills…

“No. No one.”

_They can’t know._

“Awww that’s sad... And you, cher Madison ? Someone ?”

Madison looked up and Thomas tensed slightly.

“No. I have no one.”

_Good._

“But are you interested in someone ?”

“Neither.”

_He could be lying... right ?_

Though Thomas’ heart twitched at the answer.

“Aaaand boys or girls ?”

“Girls.”

 

This blow hit Thomas harder than it should have. James had kissed him back. Was he lying to the three other men ? Did he see their kiss as a mistake ? A moment of weakness ?

These questions haunted Thomas for the next hour. He drank, and drank, trying to drown his pain and fear. The three others did not reduce their alcohol consumption either. Laurens was barely standing straight, and Lafayette and Mulligan were getting _really_ touchy.

Lafayette was sat on Hercules’ thighs and placed soft pecks on his cheeks while Mulligan was nibbling and kissing his neck, jaw and shoulders. The other men were too drunk to care.

James remained silent and polite, as a good host. He had drunk a bit himself, but far less than the others.

Thomas could not help but stare at the couple heating up. He felt a warm feeling twisting his guts. Jealousy ?

Suddenly, Mulligan grabbed Lafayette's chin and pulled him into a deep, heated kiss.

Jefferson wanted to be mad, to tell them to do that elsewhere, but the alcohol in his blood only let him laugh. John did the same and soon Madison began to chuckle softly. Jefferson immediately calmed down, and stared intently at James with wide eyes. The smaller Virginian's gaze was clouded by the alcohol and shining with amusement, and his cheeks were rosy and round and soft. He had cute dimples and his cheekbones were going up and down at the rhythm of his giggles.

Thomas had never seen him in such a careless state. Even if Madison was the least drunk man around the table, he was obviously the least alcohol tolerant.

Jefferson could not get his eyes off him. He couldn't even hear the shallow breaths of the active couple behind him. He couldn't even hear John's cheers and laughs.

All he could hear was James. All he could see was James.

And suddenly James calmed down slightly, with big black eyes still bright from his laughter, and looked at Thomas with those same fond, kind, happy eyes that he used to have when everything felt fine. Those same loving eyes that cared about Jefferson, these eyes sometimes serious sometimes sly, always soft, always sweet. Those eyes that made Thomas' heart drop, that cut his breath, that stole his words. Those eyes he fell in love with.

And just like Thomas leaned in and kissed him.

 

And James kissed back.

 

The world stopped and Thomas lost himself in the kiss, embracing James with both his strong arms as hard as he could.

 

And James hugged back.

 

The kiss heated and Madison wrapped his arms around Jefferson's neck, pulling him closer, leaning in the heat from both their bodies. Soon Thomas licked his lips, softly nibbing and biting at the other man's soft, swollen, pouty lower lip. James let out a soft moan and Thomas took this occasion to deepen the kiss.

Jefferson felt in heaven. There could be no better sensation in the world than kissing his sweet Jemmy.

He could smell his soft hair, touch his smooth skin, feel his warm heat. Everything was perfect, and suddenly James broke the kiss.

And then James opened his eyes again and Thomas' breath stopped.

The sight before him was just as adorable as it was arousing. A discheveled James Madison, lusty dark eyes shining, dark skin reddened and glossy from the heat, chest going up and down and swollen lips parted in an attempt to catch his breath was standing barely a few inches in front of him. If they were alone in the room, Jefferson could just take him. Right here. Right now.

But thing is, they weren't alone. Laurens was bewildered, watching them with rosy cheeks. Lafayette and Mulligan had stopped kissing and were staring at them, dumbfounded.

"Well..." Lafayette nervously chuckled, "Since our dear friends are no longer “crushless”, I think Mulligan and I will go rent some accommodation for the night. We 'ave "things" to do anyway.”

“Yeah I'll be off too" quickly added Laurens.

On these words they thanked James for the invitation and left rapidly, snickering and giggling.

"Laurens !" called James at Thomas' surprise.

John turned around quickly.

"Y...yeah ?”

“Just... be careful with Alexander, okay ?"

Thomas spared a quick glance at James. He seemed very concerned. John chuckled.

"Yeah... don't worry. You know what they say ? "Love hurts" ahah"

He smiled weakly and waved before closing the door behind him.

Thomas was now alone with James.

 

_Okay so hum... What comes next ?_

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Une petite sieste=a little nap  
> Ferme-la=shut it
> 
> Lyrics belong to Lin-Manuel Miranda.
> 
> I have no self control so you've got another chapter aha  
> I'm not realllly proud of this one but I needed to write some fluff after all the heavy chapters. Plus, the storie has to go on at some point hehe
> 
> Thanks for your kudos and comments ~~


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madison and Jefferson are alone. What could go wrong ?
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Smut (kinda)/PTSD/Victim Blaming/Violence/Panic Attack/Talk of suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: smut (kinda)/PTSD/Victim Blaming/Violence/Panic Attack/Talkof suicide

Thomas watched as the door closed behind Laurens. He could feel James’s gaze upon him.

Jefferson felt himself heating up.

_Oh my God what should I do ? Should I leave ?_

“Um I probably should go too my house is a bit far aw-...”

“Stay.”

Thomas’ breath stopped.

_Oh... Heyy..._

Thomas turned around to meet Madison’s face. The smallest man was nervously twitching from one foot to the other, hands fidgeting behind his back. His eyes were shining, locked on the ground, and his lips were tightly shut.

He was adorable.

Thomas gently smiled and approached Madison. The small Virginian tensed a bit, pouty, but did not dare to look up.

Jefferson could not resist him: he cupped his chubby cheeks and pulled his dumbfounded lover into a tender kiss. James softly whined and responded by crashing his plump lips even harder on Jefferson’s. He had to tiptoe to reach him, and was grabbing onto the taller man’s shoulders not to lose his balance.

Thomas’ heart skipped a bit in front of such cuteness and he swiped the little man off his feet, carrying him effortlessly to the couch. Madison yelped when he felt his feet leaving the ground and stared at Thomas’ arms, eyes shining with concern and alcohol. Jefferson chuckled.

“Don’t worry, darlin’. I’m not letting you down.”

His own words reminded him of painful memories for a split second, but he quickly brushed these thoughts away: James was safe and sound in his arms, and nothing would hurt him tonight.

Thomas carefully laid his lover on the couch and trailed butterfly kisses along his jaw and cheeks, blowing in the crook of his neck to make him shiver. But the alcohol had a strong effect on the poor Virginian, and Jefferson’s breath tickled him more than it aroused him. Soon Madison was giggling lightly, pushing Jefferson away with weak and shaky arms.

Thomas thought he was stupid. Not James. Him. He thought he was indeed very stupid himself. Stupid with love. He could not believe he was so cheesy but he couldn’t help it: his eyes widened at the sight of Madison’s bright laugh. Tears were even prickling at the corner of his lover’s eyes. He hadn’t seen him smile like this for so long.

And Thomas thought he had never seen such a beautiful smile.

He leaned down and kissed his lover, lips tugged into an amused smile when he felt James still softly giggling against his face.

“Aw I don’t think I’ve ever seen you laughing like this Jemmy James... I need to get you drunk more often...”

“Sh...Shut up.”

Madison smiled with bright eyes and softly pushed him away. But Jefferson wasn’t going to let himself be teased like that. He grabbed James’ wrists and forced them up behind the smaller one’s head before diving to kiss and lick his neck.

Madison’s dark, soft skin was warm and sweet, and Jefferson was torn between his desire to bite it and make James moan, and his overwhelming need to be gentle with it, as if it was so tender it could tear up under the softest gesture.

“I love you so much James...”

He kissed his chin.

“I love you so much...”

He licked his neck.

“I love you...”

He moved up to kiss him and looked into his soft, dark, gentle eyes.

 

Thomas froze.

 

James, his sweet, small, adorable James was crying as if he had seen the most terrifying thing in his life. His beautiful black eyes were widened, staring at nothing. He was shaking, trembling like a leaf.

Jefferson let go of his wrists, alarmed, and cupped his cheeks. He tried to sweep away the tears, but Madison was still tearing up, soft cries escaping his trembling lips.

“James... James honey don’t cry... James what’s happening ?”

Thomas felt helpless. He could barely feel his heart beating because of his aching chest. He leaned down and placed soft kisses on his trembling lovers’ cheekbones to remove the tears, but James suddenly whimpered and pushed him away. It was a strong push, nothing like a teasing gesture.

“Stop. Don’t touch me.”

Thomas felt helpless. His throat was dry, his breathing became difficult.

_James..._

“Talk to me Jemmy, what’s wrong ?”

“We are drunk Thomas...”

Yes. Yes they were drunk. Jefferson could feel the aloofness in his muscles. He could feel the blur in his mind. He could feel the lightness in his heart.

But that meant nothing.

“But I love you Jemmy. It doesn’t matter if we’re drunk or not, I’ve always loved you and I forever will.”

“Bullshit.”

 

Words like a dagger.

Thomas felt helpless.

_Jemmy..._

 

Then it hit him. The rape. The hands behind his head. He had forced himself upon him. Just like Hamilton...

_What have I done ?_

 

“James listen I’m so sorry I went too far. Please forgive me Jemmy, let me help you I’ll be gentle just let me help you...”

“No.”

“Jemmy I won’t hurt you just give me your hand...”

“Don’t touch me.”

“James...”

“Go away Thomas...”

 

Thomas’ mind went blank for a split second. Painful ordeals crept back into his brain.

 

_Could have pushed harder._

 

_Say no to this._

 

_Let me go._

 

James had said everything Thomas failed to say when it happened. When his world crashed around him. James had had the strength to tell him to stop, to go away, to push him away.

 

James was stronger than Thomas.

James had done everything right.

Said everything right.

He hadn’t deserved to be raped. He hadn’t deserved to be mistreated like that by Hamilton. He had told him to stop back then.

And now he was telling it to Thomas.

 

_I hurt him. I deserve it. I’m a monster._

 

_Did I rape him ?_

 

_Was that a rape ?_

 

Thomas’ heart was beating hard.

 

_I’m a monster. I don’t deserve him. He hates me. I raped him._

 

Thomas’ mind was a mess. Only one thought stood out: James wanted him to leave. James had said no to him. He had to do it. He had to respect his will.

So Jefferson stood up. He barely spared a glance at James’ shaking figure and made his way towards the door.

 

_Could have pushed harder._

 

_Say no to this._

 

He sobbed.

He had to leave.

 

_Go away Thomas._

 

_Could have pushed harder._

 

_Say no to this._

 

He reached out his hand for the doorknob.

 

_Could have pushed harder._

 

_Say no to this._

 

 

 

_Help him._

 

 

 

And it hit him. He needed to be strong. He needed to help James. James needed him. More than anything. Thomas was the only one who knew about what happened. Thomas was his closest companion. Thomas loved him.

_I mustn’t run away. He needs me._

 

And Thomas turned around, and quickly got back to his place next to Madison. James was now sitting on the couch, shaking, curled into a ball.

Thomas sat next to him and put an hesitant yet reassuring hand on his shoulder. James yelped and Thomas’ heart twitched.

Madison looked up with reddened, wet eyes.

“What are you still doing here ? I told you to go away !”

“I know...”

“Go away Thomas ! Don’t touch me !”

By this point, James was feebly pushing Jefferson away, trying to shake his hand off his shoulder.

But Thomas wasn’t moving.

“Go away ! Go away ! GO AWAY ! GO AWAY !”

James was crying, screaming, pushing through the air and wailing. Thomas grabbed him and pulled him into a tight embrace, putting his lover’s wet face against his chest to comfort him.

When James felt Jefferson’s warm scent he calmed down for a second, before fighting back even harder.

“DON’T TOUCH ME THOMAS LET ME GO GO AWAY I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU !”

Each word was like a dagger for Jefferson, but he did his best to keep a straight, determined face. He had to be strong. For James.

Eventually, Madison stopped hitting and punching Thomas’ chest. Jefferson felt him sobbing and clutching his shirt, still shaking like a leaf. When he assumed he was calm enough, he softly reached out his hand and began gently stroking his hair. At first, he drew slow, soothing circles, until James’ breath was regular again. Then he moved his hand down, gently caressing his temples and cheek.

James was still sobbing from time to time, but Jefferson could feel his panic attack had passed.

Softly, he placed a hand under his lover’s chin and lifted it up. All of his movements were slow and loving, for he was terrified at the idea of hurting James again.

 

Jefferson was pained to see the look on Madison’s face. His eyes were puffy, shining with tears, and his lips were parted in silent cries. He was still sniffling and sobbing.

“Shhhh.... It’s okay James... It’s okay...”

“Thomas... I’m so sorry... I’m so sorry Thomas...”

“Shhh I know I know.... Shh I know I know... You did everything just right, it was not your fault. You have never hurt a soul, you must have been so scared...”

“If only I was stronger....”

“You are strong Jemmy... You are strong because you are still living...”

“But what if I don’t wanna live...”

Thomas said nothing for a few seconds. His heart skipped a beat.

“What ?”

“Hamilton... What Hamilton did to me... I can’t... I just can’t live with it... I hate myself for it... I just wish I was dead so I could stop being a burden...”

“You are _not_ a burden. What he did to you doesn’t define you. You have so much to live.”

“But it won’t get better...”

“It will. And even if it doesn’t heal completely, the pain will fade. And I am here for you. I will help you I promise.”

James sniffled and buried his nose into the crook of his neck.

“You are an amazing person Thomas, and I love you. I love you so much...”

Jefferson felt his heart twitching with glee.

“... but it hurts too much. I’m not strong enough. I don’t wanna live anymore. Life is not for me. I don’t want it. I just want the pain to end... Please Thomas, if you really love me, just let me go... Let me find peace of mind please Thomas I beg you...”

 

And just like that, Thomas broke down.

 

He tightly grabbed James’ clothes and began wailing and sobbing, hot tears streaming down his face as he was screaming and shaking.

It was all too much.

He was helpless.

 

_James wants to die._

 

_I can’t help him._

 

_I’m useless._

 

He felt like his love was not enough. Like _he_ wasn’t enough. And all the pain and sorrow that had built up in his chest for the past couple of days just crumbled and broke.

“Thomas ? Thomas listen to me !”

He felt James pushing against his grip to face him. He saw the concern in his puffy eyes. He felt the warm feeling of his small hands cupped around his cheeks. And honestly he could just give in, right here. He could just let himself calm down, let himself being softly rocked in the sweet hands of the man whom he loved and cherished.

 

But he wouldn’t.

 

He grabbed James’ collar and straightened up on his knees to stand taller above the smaller man. Jefferson saw incomprehension and fear cast upon his lover’s eyes, but he couldn’t give in. He simply couldn’t. He placed his face only a few inches away from the other man’s face.

“Listen to _you_? No _you_ are the one who’s going to listen to me ! Do you have any idea of how it feels like to hear the one you love more than anything in your life talking about suicide ? As if it was their only option, their only _wish_? Do you know how hard it has been for me these past few days ? No you don’t ! You left me aside James ! You pushed me away when I needed you ! When we needed each other ! And now you are blaming me for your pain ?”

James’ eyebrows furrowed.

“I do not blame _you_ Thomas, I blame myself !”

“Well you shouldn’t ! It was Hamilton’s fault ! Everything was Hamilton’s fault !”

“Oh yeah ? Then why didn’t you help me back then ? Why did you stand to the side while he did those things to me ? Why have you been pushing me away since you got back here ? You’re the one who left me alone ! You’re the one who refused talking in the first place ! And whatever the fuck happened to you, it made you unable to help me ! It broke you so much that you didn’t even hear my screams ! So tell me Thomas, what the fuck happened that made you sacrifice me to Hamilton ?”

Thomas froze. James’ eyes were full of pain and anger upon him.

 

“Sacrifice ?”

 

His mind wandered to the memories of the past few days. He remembered the way he refused to talk to James because he was scared, scared to hurt him too. He remembered the moment when he left to beat Hamilton up after discovering what he had done to James. He remembered his loneliness, he remembered Hamilton’s kisses, he remembered James’ rape...

He remembered the moment when James rejected him after they kissed.

 

A single tear streamed down his face.

 

“You wanna know what happened, _mister Madison ?_ ”

 

He felt James freezing up.

“When I left to destroy Hamilton’s ass, he lurked me into a trap and kissed me. He took advantage on me, touching me in places I still can hardly talk about today. I managed to leave, frightened and ashamed. And I didn’t know how to talk to you. Because I was afraid. Because I felt terrible. I felt like it was my fault, like I didn’t fight hard enough. Then things added up and Hamilton hurt you. Everyday since it happened to you, I do not live a single second without thinking about how much I hate myself for not helping, for giving up to my fear and pain. Everyday I cry and hope I’ll get to apologize and redeem myself by helping and supporting you. And everyday you push me away, even though I see how much you need help. And you know what ? I thought about death too. I wanted to die. But the thought of you kept me going. The thought that maybe you needed me, that maybe I could still help you kept me alive, desperately hoping to save you. And here I am, being so close to you, and I see you slipping away through my fingers. So don’t. Don’t you dare give up now James. Because I need you. Because I want to help you, because I want to believe there will be a place for us in this world. Because I want to believe one day we’ll be happy again. Because _I love you_ James.”

 

Throughout his speech, Thomas had seen James’ face twisting up in pain and sorrow. His eyes had widened when he heard about Thomas’ encounter with Hamilton, and he was now fighting back huge tears.

“Thomas...” he sobbed, “Thomas you should have told me. Thomas I’m so sorry...”

James wrapped his arms around Jefferson’ shoulders and began sobbing in his neck.

Thomas smiled weakly, sweeping away his own tears, and gently patted his lover’s back.

“Shh... it’s okay James...”

“No it’s not ! I... I’m so sorry.... I... I didn’t know.... I... I should have known.... I... I’m so sorry Thomas...”

James looked up to Thomas, with his dark round eyes shining with tears. Jefferson thought he was going to melt.

“I promise Thomas... I promise I’ll stay strong... I’ll try to stay strong for you Thomas... to thank you. For everything.”

Thomas smiled feebly and rubbed James’ cheek. Softly, he kissed both his cheekbones, sweeping the tears away. Then he slowly cupped his lover’s face, and ever so gently he crashed his lips on James’.

Neither of them were moving. They just enjoyed the prolonged contact, yearning for tenderness after all the traumas they had been through.

Thomas’ could feel James’ soft, warm breath. For the first time in a long period, he felt truly at peace.

 

Then someone knocked on the door.

James pulled away, and his eyes twitched in confusion.

Thomas had to stop himself from kissing him again: he was way too adorable when confused.

“I wonder who it could be at such a late hour. Hide behind the couch Thomas, we don’t want any more suspicions upon us.”

“Ahaha, already hiding me like a hidden lover...”

“Hush now, and hurry up !”

“You’re the boss ~~”

James rolled his eyes, falsely exasperated, and went up to the front door. Meanwhile, Thomas quickly sat behind the couch, giggling at his lover’s reaction.

He heard the door opening, and tried to eavesdrop the conversation.

At first, he heard nothing. He couldn’t make out who was the person talking to James, and figured the other guy was probably whispering.

Suddenly, he tensed up: James’ voice was full of fear.

“Wh... What are you doing here ?”

 

Thomas shot up from behind the couch, a terrible feeling eating up his chest.

His doubts were proven true when he saw the person standing on the threshold.

 

_Hamilton._

 

_Hamilton was standing in the doorway._

 

He stood only a few inches in front of James. Thomas’ heart dropped.

Alexander seemed uncomfortable. He wasn’t making a complete eye contact with Madison.

“Listen Madison, I came here to talk with you. Just a civil discussion...”

“BULLSHIT !”

Thomas’ voice boomed from behind the couch, and Hamilton jumped back.

With a few large steps, Jefferson was standing next to James. He grabbed Hamilton by his collar and dragged him in the house.

“Jefferson wai-“

Thomas didn’t let him finish; he punched him, throwing him against the ground.

His eyes were shooting daggers, and all his muscles were clenched.

“Get out of here. Now.”

“I came here to talk-“

Jefferson kicked him in the stomach.

“NOW !”

Hamilton said nothing, twisted in pain, and got up to his feet. He began walking to the door, with Jefferson following closely behind him to make sure he was not trying to hurt James. But suddenly, Alexander turned around and quickly threw two violent punches in his face, throwing him to the ground.

Madison yelped. His eyes were wide opened, staring at Thomas as he was laying on the ground, growling.

 

James’ mind was a mess, and he started hyperventilating.

_This is not happening this is not happening this is not happening..._

 

Alexander noticed that Madison’s breathing rate had increased dramatically. He took a quick glance at Thomas, still laying on the floor. He had punched him in a tactical area: Jefferson wasn’t going to stand up before at least a minute.

Another quick glance at James let him understand that his state was going to worsen. He had to intervene before Thomas woke up.

Hamilton tried to steady his heartbeats and put on the nicest face he could manage to.

“Hey listen to me Madison, take a deep breath.”

He was walking slowly towards the smaller man, trying to sound as reassuring as possible.

James was breathing heavily, staring at the ground with tears streaming down his face.

“Easy easy Madison...”

Hamilton reached out his hand and put it on James’ shoulder.

 

That’s when James completely broke down.

 

As memories of Hamilton’s touch flooded back into his mind, he sank to the ground and held his head, shaking and screaming.

Hamilton jumped back and protected his ears with his hands.

The screams snapped Thomas out of his daze and he barely took the time to acknowledge the situation before jumping down next to James.

“Shh James ! James listen to me ! It’s okay ! I’m here !”

 

_He could not let him down again._

 

On his side, Hamilton stayed silent and waited, eyes shimmering with shame.

He felt nervous, conscious of his mistake.

He watched as Thomas attempted to embrace the smaller man, eyes full of concern. James was still shaking and screaming, yelling without even forming sentences.

It was unbearable.

 

Minutes went by, maybe ten, maybe fifteen.

Thomas was now gently rocking a sobbing Madison, shushing him and whispering soothing words to him.

At some point, Alex almost thought that Jefferson had succeeded in completely calming the smaller man. But James’ face wasn’t “reassured”. It was blank, expressionless. He wasn’t even sobbing anymore. He was just staring at nothing.

“James ? James are you okay ?”

Madison didn’t answer to Thomas. Hamilton saw the growing concern on the other man’s face.

“James ?”

“Get out.”

Alexander saw Jefferson tensing up.

“Wh... what ?”

“Get out. Now.”

“B... but James I-”

“Get out of my house.”

“Listen-”

 

James slapped him.

 

It was a hard, violent slap.

Thomas stayed silent, shocked, eyes dark and empty.

Madison got to his feet and took a few steps back, his eyes shooting daggers at the two other men in his leaving room.

“Get out of my house. Both of you.”

Jefferson didn’t even try to say anything. Hamilton saw the despair in his eyes, the sorrow.

He got up and walked to the door, Alexander following him closely. He could feel James’ dark gaze upon them.

Once they were outside, Madison quickly got to the door. Hamilton saw the light of hope that shone in Jefferson’s eyes.

“Don’t ever come back.”

James slammed the door.

 

There was a long silence between the two men. Hamilton was starting to feel even more nervous.

He took a quick glance at Jefferson. The taller man was staring at the door, dumbfounded. Alex could not exactly tell if he looked absolutely expressionless or on the verge of tears.

He sighed.

“Listen man, if we get to my house maybe I can get Laurens to go and talk to him if you want. He told me you guys were alone tonight but I decided to show up anyway cause I had to talk with you and I did not intend for things to go this way but I swear I can help cause like maybe I can get Laurens to talk to him I mean he told me he thought that James was a nice guy and-”

“Shut up Hamilton, you talk too much.”

Alexander froze. He quickly looked at Jefferson and saw that the other man was already staring at him. His eyes were cold, empty. They sent a shiver down Hamilton’ spine.

 

Thomas was truly hurt.

 

Then the Virginian turned away from the door and began walking.

 

“Let’s go to your house.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics belong to Lin-Manuel Miranda
> 
> AHAHA YOU THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS SETTLED ? WELL SURPRISE !  
> So now we got an Hamilton POV... hum interesting ? Why ? What could happen ?
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and comments !!!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jefferson, devastated by James' rejection, follows Hamilton to his house. Time for a little conversation...
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL VIOLENCE/ RAPE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL VIOLENCE/ RAPE
> 
> Read at your own risks

TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL VIOLENCE/ RAPE

 

“J… Jefferson ? What are you doing here ?”

It was very late into the night that Laurens heard the frontdoor opening, and decided to go and check if it was Hamilton coming back. Eliza and the children were still upstate, so he was the only one in the house. John had told Alexander not to leave at such an unholy hour, especially to visit someone’s place, but his friend didn’t even try to listen to him, even when he told him that Madison and Jefferson wanted some “privacy”. Now, Laurens was staring at the two men on the doorstep, wide eyed. They both seemed terribly stern and tensed, and Thomas wasn’t even looking at him. His eyes were locked on the ground, and he did not say a word.

Alexander shifted on his feet.

“James got pretty mad earlier and kicked us out, so I told Thomas he could come over for a bit...”

“James ? _Mad_? What did you guys do to make this man lose his famous temper ?”

“Oh uh, nothing really.... He just... Well I think he hasn’t been well lately... So I was thinking... maybe you could go check on him ? He won’t let us in...”

John’s gaze was flying from Jefferson’s dark expression to Hamilton’s forced smile. He could see something was off. The simple fact that the two guys had managed to walk all the way back to Alexander’s place without cutting each other’s throats was already a very good indicator of the situation’s oddity.

“Well... I mean I barely know the guy... We’re not even that close...”

“Please Laurens, he likes you... He needs someone right now...”

Hamilton’s eyes were pleading, and John blushed. He could feel Alex was genuinely worried, and the complete trust towards him in his eyes made his heart twitch.

“Fine... I’ll go and see what I can do to help.”

“Thank you John, you’re the closest friend I’ve got !”

Ahaha yeah....

 

_Friend._

 

*****

 

“Do you want something to drink ?”

_Of course Alex... It’s absolutely not as if he was already completely wasted..._

Jefferson looked up with dull eyes. Alexander’s chest tightened at this sight; the other man was absolutely devastated.

To his biggest surprise, Jefferson nodded, and chugged down two shots in a row.

Hamilton was staring at him from his armchair, dumbfounded. Jefferson was spreading on the couch with every drink he took, his cheeks getting redder, his eyes shinier and his movements more erratic.

_Man... He really can’t handle his emotions, can he ?_

Thomas took another shot, and then another, and another. When finally his consumption began to worry Hamilton, the immigrant snatched the glass away from the other’s hand.

Jefferson groaned and clumsily tried to take his drink back, his eyebrows frowned. He was obviously not seeing very clearly.

“Alright that’s enough alcohol for you Jeffershit.”

“Fuck you.”

 

Hamilton stopped moving and raised his brow.

“Excuse me ?”

“I said... _Fuck. You._ ”

 

Hamilton sighed. Thomas was staring at him, his eyes full of hatred. He wasn’t even tensed or anything: the alcohol made him unwary.

The silence stretched and Alexander noticed that Jefferson’s cheek was still red where James had slapped him.

“Madison really did go hard on you. I can get you some ice-”

“No I don’t need it.”

“... well you’re kinda red-”

“I said no.”

Alexander’s limited patience came to an end.

“Stop acting so childish ! You’ll have a bruise if you don’t get it under ice !”

“I don’t deserve it...”

“What ? The ice ?”

“Yes, the ice.”

 

Hamilton frowned. Thomas joined his hands and began rubbing them nervously, staring at them absent-mindedly.

“What do you mean you “don’t deserve some ice” ?”

“I hurt James. He had a right to slap me.”

 

Hamilton blinked.

_What kind of influence does this guy have on you Thomas ?_

But he did not say that out loud, for he knew better than to aggravate his case tonight. Plus, Jefferson was already pretty low hearted.

Hamilton snickered silently: he knew all too well about the kind of influence that James had on Thomas. It was love. And hell he knew damn well about love...

“Listen man, it is not your fault okay ? James wasn’t thinking straight tonight and-”

“Oh yeah ? _Not thinking straight ?_ Because of who do you think that is ?”

 

_Well._

Hamilton bit his lip. He knew. He knew what Thomas meant by this, but it still hurt him. And yet it was his fault. And only his.

 

_Stop hiding Alex. You knew you had to face it at some point._

 

Hamilton took a deep breath.

“Listen Thomas-”

“ _Jefferson.”_

“Jefferson, listen, I came at Madison’s house for a reason tonight. I... Well I wanted to apologize for my actions... Not only for... for what happened _that_ night, but also for everything that came before and after, regarding you or Madison... And I-”

“Are you kidding me ?”

 

Alex closed his mouth and took a quick glance at Thomas, nervous. Jefferson was staring at him with eyes so terribly dark and furious that he wondered how the Virginian managed to keep such a steady voice and calm posture.

“Are you _fucking_ kidding me ?”

“Listen...”

“No. No I don’t think so.”

 

Thomas got up and walked straight up to stand a few inches away from Hamilton. The smaller man gulped and raised his chin to show that he was determined not to flinch. Deep inside though, he was mortified.

“Do you think excuses are enough to redeem yourself ? Do you think saying “sorry” can be enough to soothe James’ pain ?”

“No but-”

“Don’t say “but”. “Buts” are _never_ real apologies. They are _excuses_.”

“Listen man I-”

“No you listen. Do you have any idea of how James felt when you abused him back then ? How he felt when you _raped_ him ? Can you even acknowledge the pain, sorrow and despair in which he is living right now ? Cause what, you think he freaked out just because you touched his shoulder ? No dude it’s cause your touch _destroyed_ him.”

Hamilton remained silent. He deserved this. He kept his eyes on the ground and waited.

Thomas was right. He didn’t deserve to be pardoned. He raped them, after all… Why did he rape them ? To control them ? To blackmail them ? Wasn’t there any other solution ? Of course, of course there were solutions… Lots of them, _human_ ones… And yet he chose rape. Why ? He didn’t want to hurt James. He didn’t want to hurt Thomas… No, especially not Thomas… Not him… But he did. He destroyed Thomas, and then James. All he could do was to destroy. Just like…

_Just like him..._

Alexander was lost in his thoughts, when suddenly he heard a soft sob. Confused, he looked up.

 

Thomas’ face was twisted up in pain, and he was struggling to keep the angry mask up on his face for hot tears were escaping his glossy eyes. His lips were trembling heavily.

“I tried to hold him earlier... He... We kissed. And I’ve never felt so in love before... and then I hold him, tried to kiss him.... to show him how much I loved him... and _*sob*_... and he freaked out. I saw him melting under my touch, as if I was the greatest danger he’s ever faced... He seemed... he was _scared beyond words_... And it’s all because of _you_ , Hamilton. You destroyed him. You took him away from me. You hurt him. _You, you, you, you....”_

By this point the tall Virginian had broken into tears. Hamilton was left silent. Thomas seemed so vulnerable. He was so despaired that he had opened up to him, to the person he hated the most in the world.

_The person he hated the most in the world..._

“Jefferson... I’m so sorry... I’ve felt like shit for days I... I don’t know what got into me I... I have no excuses but... Jesus Christ I don’t know how to prove you how deeply sorry I am...”

“You _can’t._ There is no excuse for rape.”

 

Hamilton’s throat tightened, and he struggled to find his words. All the knowledge and vocabulary he had seemed too weak to express his feelings. He felt the furious eyes on his skin, burning him to the heart.

 

“You’re a terrible man Hamilton.”

 

_I know._

 

“You deserve to die. Alone and painfully.”

 

_I know._

 

“You are a complete monster.”

 

_I know._

 

“You are a shame to your parents.”

 

Alex froze.

 

_Parents._

 

He remembered his mother’s loving eyes. Her death.

 

He remember his father’s departure. His _touch._

 

Hamilton snapped and grabbed Jefferson’s shirt.

“Now _you_ shut up ! You don’t know anything about my parents !”

“Why should I even care ? They’re not the problem here ! _You are !”_

“Fuck you man !”

“Fuck you too !”

 

Alex was on the verge of tears. He was fulminating.

 

_Don’t talk like that._

 

_You don’t know me._

 

_You don’t know my father._

 

He tried to steady his breath and looked at Thomas, as calm as he could. The other man’s eyes were shooting daggers. Both men were tensed, trying to show their strength to the other.

“Listen Jefferson, I don’t expect you to understand me, or to forgive me. I just want you to _know_ that I am deeply sorry. I... I’ve been through this... _kind of stuff_ myself... I...”

He had to choke back a sob, and stopped for a second.

Alex finally reopened his eyes, to see that Jefferson was still listening to him. That was it. He had to talk. To explain himself. Sensible or not, he had to explain his reasons. He took a deep breath.

_You can do it..._

 

“Well... my father used to think sexual violence was the only way to prove his power and authority and I hum... when Madison and you opposed yourself to my debt plan I freaked out. I came at his house to talk at first, but then I walked in on you two... _making out_ and I... I kinda lost my temper... I felt the urge to assert my power, as if it was the only way to get you two out of my way...”

_And seeing you out of all people kissing someone else didn’t help calming me down either…_

Hamilton marked a pause. His heartbeat was higher than ever. He had never talked to anyone but John about this part of his past. He feared Thomas’ reaction above everything else.

But Jefferson was still silent, staring at the ground.

“Listen I know it is a shitty explanation but it’s the truth. I know it doesn’t excuse what I did to you, and what I did to Madison before you came back. I know I’ve been acting cocky about it for days now but... I can assure you I was not being myself I... I’m sorry...”

 

It was not a lie, but Hamilton decided not to explain the reasons behind the other events. The teasing, the “flirting” even...

He couldn’t. He couldn’t tell him that he was acting like a tease because he fucking fell in love with him. He simply couldn’t.

 

Thomas stared at Alexander, shocked, dumbfounded, still hurt. He tried to speak but the words died on his lips.

So he did the only sensible thing he could think of at the moment.

  


He punched him.

 

Hamilton was thrown to the ground. He growled and tried to hold himself to the couch.

“Oh so you have a problem with non-sexual authority ? Well then...”

Thomas kicked his chin and kneeled next to him. Hamilton coughed and froze under the dark, heinous look in Jefferson’s eyes.

The tall Virginian leaned in until he was barely a few inches away from Alex’s face. The scent of alcohol violently overwhelmed his nostrils, and he tried to get away from it.

“... Imma make myself very clear in a way you are _used_ to be taught in then.”

 

Hamilton was about to speak back when Thomas’ hand landed on his crotch and grabbed it violently, making him yell in pain.

“W-Wait ! T-Thomas !”

He could not say another word, for Jefferson grabbed him and threw him on the couch.

Alexander’s breath was cut short. He was blushing madly. Above him, Jefferson was looking emptier, more sinister, more terrifyingly devastated than ever. The only difference was that now his despair had turned into a senseless craze, in which the only thing he wanted to do was to hurt. To destroy.

“Thomas plea-Aah !”

Jefferson continued violently squeezing the member through the fabric. He just wanted to hurt.

_Don’t. Please Jefferson..._

 

Thomas didn’t even flinch. He grabbed the crotch and twisted it to the side.

Alexander screamed and tried to free himself from the other’s grip. Tears were beginning to swell in his eyes.

“Oh God Thomas it hurts ! Thomas let it go please !”

 

But Thomas was blinded by rage. His eyes were dull, empty.

 

_Hurt._

 

_Pay._

 

_Hurt._

 

_Pay._

 

_Hurt._

 

_Hurt._

 

_Hurt._

 

He looked at Hamilton, and the Caribbean man’s eyes widened; he had never felt so weak and frightened by another man. And it was not any other man. It was Thomas.

“I thought you took pleasure in violence Hamilton ?”

“Please...”

“How is it ?”

 

Jefferson let go of the swollen member and Alexander sighed. He was shaking, his breath erratic.

Suddenly, Thomas grabbed his throat and tightened his grip, choking the smaller man.

Terrified, Hamilton opened his eyes to see that Jefferson’s face was one inch away from his.

“I asked you something.”

His voice was menacing.

“W-What ?”

“How _is_ it ? How does it feel ?”

 

_This is for James. I’m doing this for James._

 

“How do you think Madison felt about this, you asshole ?”

“I...I-”

 

Hamilton could barely breathe. Thomas’ eyes were glimmering. He let out a huge growl and punched the smaller man.

 

Hamilton was seeing stars. He needed oxygen. He couldn’t even feel the pain anymore.

 

Thomas punched again and again and again.

 

Alexander’s cheeks were bleeding, his lips were bruised.

 

Thomas punched again and again and again.

 

_James James James James_

 

Thomas punched again and again and again.

 

“T-THOMAS !”

 

And Thomas stopped.

Alexander had managed to sob out this last word, face red from the lack of air and the hits.

He was crying, huge tears rolling down from his widened, terrified eyes.

 

And Thomas let go of his throat.

He looked at his bruised hands, then back at Hamilton’s devastated face, then at his hands again.

Alexander was shaking, breathing heavily.

Jefferson gasped. He took a few steps backward, legs trembling. He shook his head.

 

_What am I doing ? What am I doing ?_

 

It was not him. It was unlike him to be like this. Destroying Hamilton wasn’t going to help James.

James wouldn’t want this.

 

_Stop thinking about James._

 

It was all about James. All his thoughts, all his days... everything was about James’ health, James’ happiness...

And now Thomas hit someone for James. Almost killed someone. _Raped someone._

 

_No that isn’t just “someone”. It’s Hamilton. The guy that raped James._

 

James again. James everywhere. He was always here for James. He was becoming a monster for James.

And what did James do for him when he needed him ?

 

_Nothing._

 

James wasn’t here for here. James was never here for him.

 

_He was here to slap you._

 

That’s right. James hurt him. He hurt him. Always.

 

Blinded by his actions, Thomas began to shake. Terrifying thoughts took over his mind.

 

_James hurt me._

 

_James never helps._

 

_James hates me._

 

 

_**I hate James.** _

 

 

Thomas looked up, tears streaming down his face. He looked at the shaking figure of Alexander.

 

Alexander tried to help him.

 

_James hadn’t._

 

Alexander tried to apologize.

 

_James hadn’t._

 

Alexander was here for him.

 

_James wasn’t._

 

And just like that, Thomas forgot all about the rape. About Hamilton’s actions.

He forgot about his touch.

He forgot about his abuse.

He forgot about everything Hamilton did to him. Did to James.

 

James.

He forgot all about James’ kisses.

He forgot all about James’ ordeal. He forgot about James’ rape. About his embraces, about his chubby cheeks, about his tears and his smiles. He forgot about his loving eyes. About the way he said “I love you”, about the way he cried in his arms after of his panic attacks, apologizing again and again.

 

_James is never here._

 

He was. But Thomas wasn’t. Thomas wasn’t here. Thomas was not himself.

Thomas was standing dumbfounded, facing Hamilton’s crying eyes.

And Thomas felt guilty.

 

So Thomas did what seemed to always work with James. What seemed to be so pleasant that it always made him feel butterflies in his stomach.

 

Everything shut down.

Everything fell silent.

Something soft brushed against Hamilton’s lips.

 

And Alexander kissed back.

Things heated up, and their tongues were soon battling against each other. Both men were gasping and longing for air, but they did not part. The kiss stretched, and strings of saliva were dripping down their chin.

 

Hamilton felt his heart bursting through his ribcage. Jefferson was kissing him. The man he loved was kissing him.

He was so happy that he could not stop shaking.

 

Thomas moved down and started biting and kissing Hamilton’s neck. Alex moaned, and grabbed his neck.

“T-Thomas !”

 

Jefferson pushed him against the couch and removed his shirt. Hamilton grabbed his curly hair and pulled him into another heated kiss.

The tension in the room was electrical.

Both men were panting, sweating, craving for human flesh and warmth.

Jefferson pulled away from the kiss and trailed his lips on Hamilton’s chin and bruised throat, making him shiver.

Alex could feel himself getting hard again, and Thomas noticed it too.

He sucked briefly on the other man’s nipples, making him gasp and moan again. Hamilton was a shaking mess, his eyes tearing up with lust. He forgot all about Thomas’ punches, his hatred. He forgot about the bruises; he’ll cover them up with powder like the other time. He couldn’t care less.

It all felt too good. Thomas was too good. His touch was too pleasant. His kisses too perfect.

 

Everything felt perfect.

 

Thomas ran his lips along Hamilton’s abs and softly placed them on his crotch.

 

Everything felt perfect.

 

He began nuzzling and kissing it through the boxer’s material.

Hamilton squirmed and moaned. He felt his limit approaching.

 

Everything felt perfect.

 

Thomas engulfed the member through the fabric.

 

“A-aAh ! Thomas ! I love you !”

 

And Jefferson snapped back.

 

_I love you Thomas._

 

James...

 

He had said those words to James.

 

James had said those words to him.

 

_I hate James._

 

No you don’t.

 

_James hurt you._

 

No. He didn’t.

 

_I hate James._

 

I love James.

 

“Thomas ? Are you okay ?”

 

Jefferson looked up, dumbfounded. Hamilton was staring at him, concerned. His shirt was undone, and his whole being was full of lust, of bite marks and love marks. His face, however, was covered in bruises.

 

_Alexander isn’t allowed to say those words._

 

I hate him.

 

_James._

 

Hamilton.

 

I love him.

 

_James._

 

“I hate you Alexander. I despise you.”

 

Alexander’s heart stopped.

 

“I wish you were dead.”

 

_Thomas... wait no..._

 

Jefferson got up and slowly walked to the door.

 

Hamilton watched him. He was hurt. He was lost. He was broken. Why did Jefferson do this ? To hurt him even more ?

 

“Wait ! Why ? Why can’t you love me ? Look at how James treated you ! Why do you still love him ?”

 

Thomas said nothing, and Alexander gulped.

Then Thomas looked back. His eyes were empty, dark, dull.

 

“Because you’re a monster.”

 

And Hamilton’s heart broke.

 

Everything shut down.

Everything fell silent.

Thomas closed the door behind him.

 

Alex was left alone, hating himself for the things he had done. The things that he could never undo.

The lover that he’ll never have.

 

*****

 

When Thomas, lost and hurt, opened to door to leave Hamilton’s house, he found himself facing Laurens. A crying Laurens.

The freckled boy quickly slammed the door before Alexander could see him.

Thomas stared at the ground, conscious that the other man was angry and hurt.

But Laurens snatched his shoulders and stared right at him.

Jefferson’s chest tightened when he saw John’ swollen cheeks and pained frown.

He was furious.

“Listen man I just got back from the house of a man that fucking loves you and needs you so you gotta stop messing around right now.”

 

Thomas said nothing. He was unable to think. Everything felt numb. He was lost in the hurricane of his emotions.

He knew John loved Alex. He knew John heard them.

 

_But John doesn’t know what Hamilton did._

 

“Laurens...”

“Shut the fuck up.”

 

Jefferson’s shoulders dropped. He was too weak.

“Now you go home and you take care of your fucking lover.”

His voice broke.

Laurens let out a small cry, a mix between a sob and a cry of anger. He turned around and walked in the house.

 

Thomas didn’t know what the two men were going to do or say inside.

He didn’t care.

 

He just wanted to go home.

But not matter what Laurens said, he couldn’t go to James’ house. Not now.

Little did he know James needed him right now. Wanted him close to him right now.

 

So he headed back to his small accommodation, two pairs of eyes full of love haunting him.

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG I FINALLY FOUND WIFI IMMA POST AS MUCH AS I CAN
> 
> So I had forgotten this scene which is kinda violent so I put a trigger warning similar to James' rape scene's one.
> 
> I'm curious though: do you guys notice the double meaning behind some sentences when Thomas is battling his internal thoughts throughout the chapters ? You might want to pay attention to this from now on cause there are lots of them lol
> 
> Don't hesitate to comment or leave kudos !!! Thank you all so much ~~


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's talk with James and Alex
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: mention of rape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: mention of rape

Laurens was standing in front of James’ door, nervously twitching from one foot to the other. He wasn’t exactly sure about what he was supposed to say, or about what he could do to help. After all, he barely knew Madison.

_I shouldn’t have accepted, not even for Alex’s pretty eyes._

But the thing was, he had already accepted to go support someone he had hardly spoken with. So he just knocked on the door.

“Madison ? It’s me, Laurens ! Can I come in ?”

At first he thought the house was empty, but soon he heard footsteps walking towards the door.

It opened slowly and though the gap remained of a narrow width, Laurens could catch a glimpse of the dark figure of the chubby man.

Even despite the low luminosity, he could see the tiredness and the tears on the other man’s face.

“What do you want ?” Madison growled with a hoarse voice.

“I just want to talk...”

“Well I don’t want to talk...”

“Please...”

Laurens tried his best to appear as genuine as possible, but deep inside he just wanted to take that as an excuse to go back to Alexander’s place. He was worried about the two other men alone at his house, especially considering their hatred for one another.

James hesitated and sighed.

“Fine.” he said while opening the door.

Laurens gulped and followed him in.

The house was barely decorated, everything was grey or black, and the air was heavy.

Madison was sat on an armchair, and gestured him towards the couch. Laurens did as he was told, but he couldn’t help but notice Madison’s poor state. The small man looked like he had cried a lot, his gaze glossy and exhausted. His arms were crossed but shivering, and he seemed to be trying really hard to comfort himself.

“Well, what did you have to say at such a late hour ?”

Laurens looked up and tried not to look too embarrassed.

“Well, to be honest, I just saw Thomas and Alex, and they told me you could use some support right now. So here I am.”

 

It was probably not the best way to engage the subject but oh well...

 

Madison had tensed up and averted his gaze. He seemed angrier, and maybe almost scared.

Laurens raised a brow but said nothing: he might have crossed a limit.

“That’s none of your business, but I’m fine.”

“If I may, you don’t _look_ fine...”

“Well you may _not_.”

 

Madison’s voice was getting harsher, and his whole body seemed rigid, ready to flee or to fight.

John remained silent for a few seconds. He had to get James to talk, he was obviously not feeling well.

“Madison listen, I’m just here to help.”

“I don’t care.”

“I can help.”

“I don’t care.”

“What the hell is up with you ? Why are you so distant ? Do you hate me ?”

“As a matter of facts, yes I do.”

Laurens was taken aback. He tried to scan Madison’s face. The other man’s gaze had landed on him, and his cold dark eyes were shooting daggers.

“What ?”

“I hate you.”

“But why ?”

“Because you want to help. You want to help even if you don’t know shit about what’s happening to me. You’re just doing it for your _sweet_ _little_ Alex.”

 

John stayed silent. Madison was not wrong. He wasn’t doing it for Jefferson, and he was the first to think that he didn’t know James well enough to help him.

But now that he could clearly see that the other man was hurt, he couldn’t just give up on him.

“It’s true that I don’t really know you, and also that Alex wanted me to come here. But he’s the one who asked me to come, so don’t talk about him like he was a bad person.”

Madison laughed. A cynical, mean laugh.

“That’s cause he _is_ a bad person ! Plus, you really thought he just wanted you to help me ? Jokes on you ! He just wanted you to be away from him while he was alone with Thomas !”

Laurens’ heart twitched. A part of him wanted to scold Madison for being this rude, but he also knew something was off. James wasn’t being himself.

“Man, you seem tired, maybe it’s the alcohol...”

“Yes of course, let’s blame it on the alcohol... Oh you know what ? We could also blame my rape on the alcohol right ? But I had forgotten sorry ! My rapist wasn’t even drunk !”

Laurens was left speechless. He knew that James was drunk, but could he invent such things just because of the liquor ?

“Rape ?”

“Yes dear Laurens, _rape_. And guess by who ?”

John gulped. Something was wrong… He felt apprehension creeping up his chest.

“Who ?”

“Oh you really can’t guess ? I’ll give you a clue: you love him so much and think he is so nice and honest !”

 

Laurens’ heart dropped.

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not.”

 

John tried to focus on James’ expression. The other man seemed calmer, more aware of his words. Which meant the situation was serious.

But it couldn’t be serious right ? It couldn’t be real ? And yet deep inside, John could not help but accept this eventuality.

Alexander had told him he used to be abused by his father. Told him about his thirst for control. John had seen his sly genius when it came to crushing opponents and proving his point.

But he couldn’t have done _that_ , right ?

 

“But... why would he... but he...”

“I’m sorry Laurens but it’s the truth. Hamilton abused me, assaulted Jefferson and then he raped me.”

 

Madison seemed genuinely sorry now. Laurens shook his head, trying to make out a sentence, something that could destroy Madison’s proofs if he had any.

“But... What ? Why ? When ?”

 

Madison took a deep breath and began narrating the events that took place over the last few days. Days. How was it possible ? So much happened in so little time…

Each word, each action that Alexander did made John’s heart sink a little deeper.

He could not believe it. He could not believe it.

But oh it seemed so true. Look at James’ face ! He acts so well ! He could be such a great actor: these eyes full of shame, this frown full of pain, these lips quivering, these hands shaking... Oh he acted so well !

Well done James ! Bravo ! Encore !

 

“Laurens ! Laurens do you hear me ?”

Laurens snapped out of his daze and saw that Madison was sat right next to him on the couch, genuinely worried.

“What ?” he asked, dumbfounded.

“I’m so sorry Laurens... I probably shouldn’t have told you but I... I couldn’t stop myself… And you deserved to know the truth... I guess you were right when you said I wasn’t well... Thank you for being here for me by the way ! B… But now if you want to talk about it...”

 

Madison seemed nervous and remorseful. He placed his hand on Laurens’ shoulder, but John shook it off.

“No I’m fine, I’m fine... I guess I should have expected it from a man who was abused by his father...”

James looked surprised.

“Oh you didn’t know... well that asshole of a father that Alex had used to rape him to show his dominance... Tough stuff...”

“Oh I... I didn’t know.”

 

The two men remained silent for a few minutes, thinking about what just happened between them.

On one side, John was terrified and sad. He felt betrayed, but he also felt terribly sorry for Madison.

One the other side, James was thinking about Hamilton, and about Thomas. Hamilton’s actions were not forgiveable, even with such a heavy trigger point. Still, James felt terrible for talking about it with the man that was in love Alexander.

 

Only one thing stood out: both men were now genuinely worried about Jefferson being alone with Hamilton.

 

“Listen Madison, I’ll go home and talk to Alex. And I’ll tell Jefferson to come back here okay ?”

“I... I should go with you...”

“No, you’re in no state to go outside. Plus, I don’t... I don’t want you to be forced to see Alex again...”

These words hurt Laurens, for he didn’t actually know the rapist side of his crush. Yet, he knew that if what James had said was true, he had to help him as much as possible.

He started walking towards the door. John stopped on the doorstep.

“Listen Madison, I love Alex. I really do. And as long as it doesn’t hurt you, I’ll probably stand by his side. But if he truly did hurt you I can promise I’ll never forgive him.”

 

James smiled weakly.

“How can you love him forever and still not forgive him ?”

“How can you love Thomas and still kick him out of your house every two days ?”

 

James chuckled lightly, his cheekbones lifting a bit. John couldn’t help but smile: Madison’s laugh was truly an adorable sight to witness.

 

James stood up and walked towards him. Without warning, he pulled Laurens into a tight embrace. The freckled man was startled at first, but he then hugged him back. It felt good to feel some human warmth...

When James pulled away, his eyes were shining with a strange light. A mix of pain and acceptance, and maybe gratitude also.

“Thank you so much Laurens. I’ll never forget this.”

“I didn’t truly do much actually...” chuckled John, embarrassed.

“Don’t worry you did... Plus, now you’re going to bring Jefferson back to me, even if I’m too weak to go and seek him myself.”

 

A shadow cast upon his eyes when he said this.

“You’re not weak Madison, you’re just hurt. I’ll bring him back.”

“Thank you, but call me James please.”

Laurens smiled and nodded.

“Call me John then.”

Madison’s lips lifted and Laurens was now quite aware of the reasons that made Thomas melt in front of the small man. Damn, he had such a bright, sweet smile...

 

John lifted the doorknob and started going out into the breezy air of the night. Suddenly, he heard Madison’s voice calling him. When turning around, Laurens saw him standing on the threshold. He looked nervous.

“I love him ! Tell him that I love him John !”

 

John smiled and nodded. He continued walking, a small itch tickling his heart.

Saying that he loved him could never save Alex’s soul...

 

*****

 

Moans and pants. That’s what John heard when he arrived in front of Hamilton’s house.

So he sat on the stairs in front of the door and began sobbing silently.

 

He knew who was inside.

 

He knew all too well.

 

_I’m sorry James... I’m so sorry..._

 

Was he sorry for Madison or for himself ? He couldn’t tell...

 

Suddenly a scream. Alex’s voice.

 

“A-aAh ! Thomas ! I love you !”

 

_Love._

 

Alex.

 

_I love you_

 

Why ?

 

Then there was a long silence, and John heard footsteps coming towards the door.

Alexander was shouting now. He seemed sad.

 

“Wait ! Why ?”

 

_I don’t know._

 

“Why can’t you love me ?”

 

_I do. He doesn’t. He loves someone else and that someone loves him too._

 

_Lucky them._

 

“Look at how James treated you !”

 

_Love hurts._

 

“Why do you still love him ?”

 

_I wonder too..._

 

Silence. Then the door flew open. Thomas’ tortured eyes met Laurens’ crying ones.

John jumped on the door, closed it.

 

Alex couldn’t see him this way. Alex couldn’t see him.

 

He snatched Jefferson’s shoulders and started right into his eyes. The Virginian seemed tormented by a hundred pains and sorrows. Yet John couldn’t help but be furious. Thomas needed to be next to James. He had to help him. He was too lucky to have someone who loved him back to go steal his hopeless crush.

 

_Lucky them._

 

“Listen man I just got back from the house of a man that fucking loves and needs you so you gotta stop messing around right now.”

 

Jefferson’s eyes widened.

 

“Laurens...”

“Shut the fuck up.”

 

Thomas’ eyes dropped on the ground.

 

_Good. You should be ashamed._

 

“Now you go home and you take care of your fucking lover.”

 

Jefferson didn’t respond. Seeing him looking so pitiful made John angrier. Thinking about James, desolated back at his house, made him angrier. Thinking about Alex... just thinking about Alex made him angrier.

 

He let out a muffled sob and walked into Hamilton’s house, leaving Jefferson to his thoughts. He was now the only one who could make the right decision and go to James’ place.

 

And now John was facing Alex. A crying, reddened, wide eyed Alex.

 

“John...” whispered Alex’s ghost.

 

Laurens walked up to him.

  


And he slapped him.

 

“How could you ? When were you going to tell me ? Damnit you raped him Alex ! You raped them ? And now what ? You were fucking with Jefferson ? Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you ?”

 

John was crying. He was full of pain and rage.

 

Hamilton remained silent on the couch, averting his gaze.

 

He knew he deserved the blow.

 

And John knew what was the matter with him. He knew about his father. He knew it all and yet... yet he had never thought _this_ could happen.

 

Alexander had warned him. He had told him he was unstable.

 

But John didn’t listen. John didn’t think it was possible.

 

And yet it happened.

 

He raped them.

 

_It happened._

 

He fucked them.

 

_Lucky them._

 

No. Stop. Don’t.

 

Hamilton remained silent. It was unusual. And John was quite glad he was one of the few that actually had an impact on his temper.

But right now the air was too heavy. He wanted to break this silence, to scream if it was necessary.

 

His head began spinning and he had to sit on the couch opposite Alexander’s. Hamilton’s eyes barely followed him.

 

John began sobbing.

 

Upon hearing his cries, Hamilton tensed. He got up and sat next to Laurens, hesitant. Finally, he laid a hand on his shoulder.

 

“John...”

“Don’t touch me !”

 

It hurt. It hurt Alexander to feel the hatred in Laurens’ voice.

He nonetheless tried to soothe him again, but John pushed him and punched him, crying and wailing.

 

“Let go Alex ! Leave me alone ! Don’t touch me !”

 

Hamilton remained silent. He wrapped his arms around the screaming man and hugged him tightly. John found himself unable to move, and began to panic. His anger made him see red.

 

“So that’s how it goes with you right ? I tell you to let go and you pull me closer ? Is that was you did to James and Thomas when they told you to stop ?”

 

Alexander’s heart dropped.

John bit down his lip.

 

Hamilton did not let go.

Laurens did not push away.

 

The silence stretched.

 

Suddenly a soft sob. Alex’s.

 

John’s heart skipped a bit. He squirmed a bit and pulled Alexander into a tighter embrace. The other man began wailing and sniffling more freely in his neck, shaking.

 

“I’m so sorry John, I’m so sorry John...”

 

Laurens tightened his embrace. He placed a soft kiss on Hamilton’s cheek.

His own face turned red when he realized it.

 

Hamilton had frozen. Suddenly, he pulled away and faced him. John was breath-taken by Alexander’s proximity. His puffy brown eyes were shimmering.

 

Panicked, Laurens nervously stammered.

 

“You... you’ll probably do better by apologizing to Thomas and James of cour-“

 

Hamilton kissed him. A soft, short kiss, but tender. Loving.

 

And Laurens froze.

 

Hamilton sighed and put his forehead against Laurens’, making him blush even more.

 

“I’ll apologize I promise.”

 

John smiled. He was still completely lost, and wanted to ask about what happened, but Hamilton talked again.

 

“But I can’t. Not yet.”

“What ? What do you mean ? It takes nothing to apologize.”

Alexander’s eyes shifted away, and he nervously began to play with Laurens’ hair.

 

“Jefferson is my political opponent. I’m afraid he might try to use my actions, or my mental state against me. I told him about my father you see...”

 

Laurens frowned and nodded. It pained him a bit to know that Alex shared his greatest secret with someone else.

 

“Which means I have to make sure he can’t destroy my reputation. I have a legacy to protect, for my children and our country.”

“So you want to get rid of Jefferson first ? Isn’t that hypocritical to purposefully destroy someone and then apologize ? He’ll never forgive you anymore. James neither.”

 

Laurens was perplex. He knew what Alex did and was doing was wrong, but he wanted to hear his whole point.

 

Hamilton sighed.

 

“Well John you know, it doesn’t really matter if I apologize now or after does it ? After what I’ve done, I’m not asking for forgiveness, it’s impossible. So the amount of charges they got against me doesn’t really matter since I won’t be forgiven either way...”

 

Laurens thought for a second. Hamilton was not wrong.

“Get to your point... How do you want to lower Jefferson’s credibility ?”

 

That’s when Laurens noticed that Alex suddenly became nervous. He twitched on place.

“Well, Jefferson is a bit untouchable. I have nothing against him, and Washington and Adams like him too much. He is too powerful and influential you see...”

 

Again, he was not wrong. But a bad feeling crept up Laurens’ stomach...

 

“In nature you see, predators chase their opponents off their territory with just a few wounds to weaken them... but if they decide to stay, they kill them. So I was thinking that if we couldn’t just lower his influence, it meant that we had to... well to destroy him. And for that, we have to attack his throat, his life string...”

 

That’s when it hit Laurens.

 

“You want to use James. You want to use him to get to Jefferson’s mental.”

 

Hamilton nodded, his eyes full of determination yet strong guilt.

 

“The Madison Pamphlet."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So next chapter is gonna be from the Lams' POV too then we'll go back to Jeffmads' POV
> 
> Hope you guys still enjoy this story ! Did you notice the double meanings in John's internal thoughts this time ?
> 
> Thanks to those who comment or leave kudos ! That means so much to me !!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few weeks later, Alex finds himself in a difficult political position. It is time for him to work on his last option: the Madison Pamphlet.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: mention of rape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: mention of rape

Hamilton had fucked up. You could say “as usual”, but the thing was this time he was actually _aware_ that he had fucked up. No pride, no denying, no backup plan: just a huge fucking mistake.

 

He sighed and took another look at the newspaper in front of him. On the front page stood an article. A pamphlet. Written by him.

 

_An open letter to the fat, arrogant, anti-charismatic national embarrassment known as President John Adams...._

 

Yeah, great move man...

He sighed again and tried to collect his thoughts.

He just destroyed John Adams, the only other significant member of his party... and President of the United States.

 

_Great._

 

Now he was jobless, with absolutely no influence at the government anymore. Alexander felt rage twisting his guts. He was powerless, like a lion roaring from the inside of a cage.

 

_I have to regain my power..._

 

He tried to block this thought, to tell himself he had to wait for it.

But he couldn’t.

 

_I need my power back..._

 

Hamilton felt lonely. Eliza was out on a walk with the children, and John was in his room. He didn’t want to bother him. As for Lafayette and Mulligan, they still refused to come back to his place.

Hamilton felt a hint of sadness pinching him; he really fucked a lot of things up recently.

 

The door suddenly flew open and Alexander looked up: John smiled shyly and sat next to him.

They had had a secret relationship for a few weeks now, and the house being empty, they didn’t have to hide.

“Hello dearest”, smiled Alexander as he placed a soft kiss on the freckled cheek.

“Hello love”, responded the other.

Hamilton nuzzled into Laurens’ neck and the other man chuckled lightly. Then Alexander stopped, inhaling the sweet scent of his lover.

He needed him. He needed his reassurance.

And Laurens quickly noticed that his behavior was odd.

“Alex ?”

“Mmh ?”

“Is something the matter ?”

“Can’t I just cuddle with the man I love ?”

John blushed and chuckled, but he quickly pushed him away. He locked his eyes into Alexander’s and smirked.

“Come on, I know something is up with you.”

Hamilton’s loving smile dropped, as he realized he could not lie. Laurens felt concern creeping up his chest.

“Listen John... I... I was thinking about the pamphlet I wrote a few days back for Adams...”

“Ahaha yeah ! Great piece of work ! I totally agree with you but damn you’ll have to win back your place at the government...”

“Yeaaah.... right.”

 

Hamilton’s eyes drifted away and John stopped giggling.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to be rude...”

“Oh no it’s not your fault !”

 

To prove his point, Alex placed a soft kiss on his lover’s lips, and Laurens felt butterflies in his stomach.

 

“It’s just... this is not what I wanted to talk about...”

“What is it then ?”

“Well...”

 

Hamilton’s eyes were agitated, unable to focus under the stress, and Laurens’ throat tightened out of concern.

 

“Now that I demonstrated my tendency to... “be violent”... I’m afraid someone, like Jefferson for instance, could use it... you know... to argue that I might be unreliable... Hell ! He could use it to prove that I raped them ! After all he can now prove that I’m impulsive and violent... He knows I want to run for President, and I know he wants to too... He might use this occasion to take his revenge and ensure his position...”

 

John swallowed, dry throat. He knew where Alexander was going.

“You want to do it now... your Madison pamphlet...”

 

Hamilton nodded gravely. His thoughts were a mess. Every pros and cons of this idea were mixing up inside his brain. Every moral and social boundaries. Every remorse and fear....

 

He had had a crush on Thomas for almost a few months now. He loved Eliza, and he loved John, but a crush is something more physical, which you can’t control. And he had a crush on Thomas which lingered in the back of his mind every time he heard his name.

 

_I will hurt him again_

 

He already had. He was destroying everyone again. Thomas, James… Making John write the pamphlet with him was also a way of destroying him, his friendship with James… But he didn’t have a choice…

And he had to hurt Madison again, the man whom his crush loved and whom his lover was friend with.

Hamilton felt his chest tightening in anger at this thought.

 

_Thomas is in love with James._

 

He knew it. He knew he had to accept it. Thomas had every reason to love James. Thomas had every reason to hate him.

And yet Alexander was still jealous and pained.

 

_I will hurt James._

 

And yet he didn’t want to hurt him again. He wanted Thomas. But he didn’t want to hurt James. Not again.

 

_But I have to._

 

Did you have to rape him too Alex ?

 

Hamilton suddenly got out of his daze and stared at John. The freckled man seemed thoughtful, and was now looking at him with concern.

 

“Are you okay ?”

 

Hamilton nodded. For a second, he had thought that it was John who had talked.

But it wasn’t.

It couldn’t be.

John loved him.

He loved John.

 

_I have to destroy them._

 

He needed to destroy those who made him feel guilty, those who made him feel nervous, those who made him feel unfaithful to John and Eliza.

 

“I’m fine. But yes, we have to write that pamphlet now.”

 

John nodded. He was skeptical, and a bit surprised too: it had been weeks since this idea appeared in his lover’s mind.

 

But Laurens was in love, and Laurens knew Alexander. He believed in him. Always did. Always will. No matter his past actions and mistakes...

 

_He may have raped them... but he is a good man. He has to be a good man. He is so nice to me. I love him. And he loves me._

 

And deep inside John wanted to believe it. Because he was in love. Scared, but in love.

  


_You promised James never to forgive him._

  


But Alex needed him. Alex loved him. He was the only one he could trust.

  


_I’m sorry James… I have to…_

 

“Okay so here’s what we’re going to do” Alexander continued, “we gotta find Burr.”

“Burr ?”

“Yes, he’s a better lawyer than me, incredible in court. He’s succinct, persuasive. We need a strong defence if we’re going to attack someone as smart, powerful and “clean” as James Madison. Plus, I heard Burr wanted to run for President too. He’ll be more than glad to eliminate an adversary like Jefferson.”

“But isn’t he your opponent too then ?”

 

Hamilton stopped and laughed.

“C’mon John ! Burr is an indecisive guy. No one knows who he is or what he does. I heard he tried to find evidences of my so called “past misdeeds” a few weeks ago, and never found anything ! He’s no threat to me.”

He calmed down and stared deep into John’s eyes.

“No, my biggest problem is Jefferson. As long as he can hold a pen he’s a threat.”

Laurens nodded.

“I get it. Let’s go and get him on our side then.”

Hamilton smiled and placed a kiss on his cheek.

Both men got up and walked out of the house.

 

They kept quite silent as the streets grew busier and busier. A few people recognized Hamilton and politely saluted him, but they soon left the crowded areas to engage in the calm streets where wealthy men lived.

 

The two men were thoughtful, pondering on their future act.

But no matter what they thought they kept it silent, for one of them knew it was his last and only chance and the other was aware of it.

Suddenly at the angle of a street appeared the two distant figure of a curly haired man and a large dark one, slowly walking side by side.

Hamilton stiffened when he recognized Lafayette and Mulligan, but Laurens couldn’t help but smile in delight.

“Herc ! Laf ! Over here !”

The two men stopped their seemingly happy conversation and took a few seconds to recognize who was shouting at them. As realization cast upon their faces, Lafayette smiled awkwardly but nonetheless waved back, while Mulligan moved closer to the ponytailed man.

 

Laurens’ heart twitched but he didn’t let it be shown, and he walked up to his two friends, Hamilton following him.

John knew the two men were still angry at Hamilton for deciding not to help France. Laurens hadn’t seen them since the diner at James’ place a few weeks ago though.

However, Lafayette’s smile remained bright and friendly.

“John, mon ami, it’s been a while !”

“Yes it is, how are you both doing ?”

Lafayette shared a quick look with Mulligan before answering.

“Well we rented an accommodation and decided to stay there to give his privacy back to James.”

 

Laurens knew he was talking about James’ and Thomas’ privacy, but he preferred not to point it out. The situation was already tensed with Hamilton besides him.

Speaking about him, Alexander cleared his throat.

“Hello guys.” he said dryly, trying to sound casual.

Lafayette nervously frowned but smiled politely.

“‘ey Alex, ‘ow are you doing ?”

“I’m fine thank you. I’m working on a pamphlet with John.”

 

Laurens froze and turned around to spare him a shocked glance. What the hell was he thinking ? The pamphlet he was talking about aimed to destroy Jefferson’s and Madison’s social status, two men that Mulligan and Lafayette genuinely admired and loved.

 

“A pamphlet ? Who for ? You already wrote one a few days ago and it didn’t really help you” coldly remarked Mulligan, his eyebrow raised.

“Ahaha true ! But this one is supposed to be much more beneficial for me, I can assure you.”

 

_What the hell Alex ? Stop it now before they ask to whom we are addressing it again !_

 

“But you still didn’t answer my question: who is it for ?”

 

_Crap..._

 

Hamilton kept a calm face and collected voice.

“It’s for James Madison.”

  


And Laurens clearly saw the look of sheer incomprehension and fear casting upon his friends’ faces.

“Monsieur Madison ? But... but ‘e is the sweetest man ever ! ‘e lodged us and fed us and...and...” Lafayette stammered, at loss for words.

“Explain yourself...” growled Mulligan, putting a hand the Frenchman’s shoulder to soothe him.

“It’s quite simple...”

 

_Oh please Alex find a good lie ! You’re good with words and people you should know this isn’t going to end well._

 

Laurens was freaking out, his eyes going back and forth hurriedly from his way-too-calm lover to the intense pain in his friends’ eyes.

“... we aim to affect Thomas Jefferson by attacking Madison. Jefferson knows things about me that could ruin my reputation and I need to make sure he isn’t in the correct mental condition to stop me from running for President. However, he is too influential for me to attack him, and no one reproaches him anything. This is why we’re going to use Madison.”

 

Laurens thought he was going to faint. Lafayette didn’t look any better.

Mulligan jumped and grabbed Hamilton by his collar.

“What the hell man ? How twisted is that plan ? Do you even hear yourself talking ?”

“I know it is harsh but I have no choice...”

“Bullshit ! All you want to do is to fly above your station and clean whatever the hell you did to get Jefferson to become a threat to your carrier !”

 

Hamilton remained silent and Mulligan groaned. He let him go and angrily walked back towards Lafayette. The poor Frenchman seemed horrified, lost in thoughts. He felt Mulligan placing a hand in his shoulder, and looked up.

 

“Why are you telling us this ?”

“I’m being honest: I plan on using you two.”

 

Laurens bit down his tongue to stop himself from slapping him. He probably had an idea. He surely had. He had to.

 

Lafayette became livid, and Mulligan was boiling like a kettle next to him.

“U-us ?”

“Yes, I’m gonna say he menaced you to get you guys to sleep with him, and you had to leave his house.”

“ _Quoi_? But it’s a blatant lie !”

“Yes, but you wouldn’t want to have to explain to people why you guys live in the same apartment right ?”

 

And that’s when it hit John. Hamilton decided to tell Lafayette and Mulligan about their plan despite them being friends with James so that he can make sure they won’t deny the lies in his pamphlet. Now that they were aware that people were going to ask them explanations if they denied Hamilton’s arguments, they were _prepared_ to react to the pamphlet. And their reaction was exactly what Alex wanted to control by telling them the truth: either they protect James or they out their gay relationship to the public.

 

“‘ow... ‘ow did you know about Mulligan and I ?”

“Frankly, it was quite obvious even if I wasn’t sure. But no matter your relationship status, denying the arguments I will lay into the pamphlet will lead people to gossip. And we both know that gossips can destroy someone right ?”

 

Mulligan was fulminating, and Lafayette had small tears dripping down his face.

Laurens bit his lips, and Hercules shot him a dark look.

“Aren’t you gonna say anything ?”

Laurens froze. Lafayette was looking at him with sad hopeful eyes.

Hamilton wasn’t even sparing him a glance.

 

_He trusts me. He counts on me not to talk. Not to give up on him._

 

So Laurens shook his head.

 

Lafayette sank to his knees.

Hercules sighed and drooped next to his lover.

 

He was dead to them.

 

“I count on you to play along the lines” Hamilton said as he walked past them.

Laurens hurriedly followed him.

He took a quick glance over his shoulder, greeted by the sight of Lafayette crying into Mulligan’ shaking shoulders.

 

*****

 

“Thank you for seeking my help Hamilton. We may be opponents but I strongly believe this pamphlet is a proof of our long term friendship. I wish you a good luck for the elections.”

“Good luck to you too, Burr.”

 

Alexander and Lauren left Burr’s house, tightly holding the papers they had worked on for a whole day now.

The streets were quiet and empty, and the night had fallen on the greatest city in the world.

“So now Burr thinks Madison is a homosexual and a rapist right ?”

 The question startled Alexander, and he smiled awkwardly.

“Well, I guess yes...”

“Everything we said, for the pamphlet. Is it all a lie ?”

Laurens was looking a his feet, thoughtful. Alexander bit his lips.

“Well... of course not. Some things were true and you know it...”

“I guess...”

“John, do you want me to remove your name from the pamphlet so you are not involved anymore ?”

Laurens shook his head and looked at him, smiling. He had such beautiful eyes.

“No it’s fine Alex. I wrote it too. I want to help you, cause I love you.”

Alexander smiled and pressed a soft, quick kiss on his lips. The streets were empty anyway.

 

Soon they arrived at the New York Post’s office.

The shop was known to be open late at night. Indeed, it was Hamilton who founded it: it was made to be open at the unholy hours at which he finished his writings.

 

The little bell rang and the shop owner, who knew Alexander every well, waved at them.

“Hey Hamilton ! Nice to see you again !”

“Jack, nice to see you too.”

Jack smiled at Laurens and turned around to prepare the files in which he was going to put Hamilton’s work.

“So what did you bring me today ?”

 

The little bell rang.

 

“A pamphlet. I want to keep it secret until tomorrow at six am.”

“Ahah sure ! Who’s it for this time, can I know ?”

“Since it’s you I can-“

 

John nudged him in the ribs, and Alexander stopped himself. He turned around and saw the dark blush on Laurens’ face, and his frightened expression.

 

Next to him, a few feet away, stood Thomas Jefferson.

 

The curled man was looking at them with glowing eyes, full of a well hidden despise.

Alexander nodded in his direction but Thomas simply stared at him without speaking.

“Sir Jefferson, what can I do for you ?”

“I have these pieces of information concerning my economic plans for my campaign. I’d like you to publish them so the public can start working on my suggestions.”

All of a sudden, Jefferson had turned back into his professional behavior. Straight, smiling, fierce and determined.

 

Hamilton swallowed dryly and took Laurens by the sleeve.

“Well, see you later Jack !”

“Oh okay ! Good luck for your pamphlet ! Hope it works this time !”

 

As Alexander closed the door behind him, he felt Jefferson’s sharp eyes scanning him, full of hatred.

 

He had heard him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quoi ? = What ?  
> Lyrics belong to Lin-Manuel Miranda
> 
> Ahaha I just broke the Hamilsquad... welp my bad
> 
> Next chapter: Thomas' reaction :))) (#sadisticauthor)
> 
> See you all !!!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Madison Pamphlet's aftermath
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: mention of rape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: mention of rape

“Have you read this ?”

 

At first, he didn’t notice. In New York, it was common place to see gossips becoming insidious. Everyday, a new man was on the front page, victim of another pamphlet written by a John Smith or a failing politician.

 

“Congressman James Madison...”

 

That was when he began to worry.

 

“... had a sinful affair”

 

Then, he noticed the curious, threatening gazes people spared him.

 

“And it’s written down right there.”

 

“Highlights !”

 

Jefferson snatched a newspaper from the little boy selling them. He dropped a coin in his hand, and the brat didn’t even thank him before screaming “Highlights ! Highlights !” all over again, running and jumping around the rich folks slumming with the poor.

 

Jefferson looked at the front page, and was left silent with disbelief.

 

_The charge against him is a connection with mister Thomas Jefferson, for purposes of sinful gay intercourse. His other crime is an attempted rape on sirs Hercules Mulligan and Marquis de Lafayette, living at his house, with their clear non consent._

 

Jefferson’s hands began to shake, and his vision became blurrier and blurrier with pain and anger. If he could, the Virginian would rip the paper and scream, yell at everyone that it wasn’t true, that is wasn’t true, it wasn’t true !

But Jefferson knew he had to recollect himself, for people continued to stare at him awkwardly.

 

_That can’t be real... No it isn’t happening... Not... Not him !_

 

It was all a lie ! He had never done anything with James... despite maybe the kisses. But no one knew ! No one besides...

 

_Hamilton._

 

He remembered meeting him, the night just before. He was talking about a pamphlet, shame in his eyes as he hurriedly left the store upon seeing him.

  


_Hamilton._

  


That name again. Written at the end of the pamphlet along with the names of John Laurens and Aaron Burr.

 

_How could they ? Burr has never hated us and...and Laurens is friend with James ! He went to his diner ! He talked with him the day he had his crisis !_

 

Highlights !

 

Thomas’ head was spinning. People were watching him. Waiting to see his reaction.

 

“Do you think they really had relationship ?”

 

They wanted to see if he was crushed, if he would flinch. If he was really involved with the victim of the pamphlet.

 

Highlights !

 

“That is gross...”

“Look at him, he seems guilty doesn’t he ?”

 

Highlights !

 

“I always knew there was something off about this James Madison guy... always so quiet, submissive... “woman-like” !”

 

Highlights !

 

Highlights !

 

Highlights !

 

“CAN’T YOU JUST SHUT UP ?”

 

The whispers stopped. Everyone was staring at Thomas Jefferson, the supposedly sinful and dishonored man who stood in the center of the crowd and on the tongue of every morning gossipers.

The little seller boy stopped yelling his line and looked at him with big frightened eyes.

And Thomas saw James in these eyes. Those terrified eyes, those eyes full of fear and pain and tears.

 

_In these eyes I see you James. I see you every time._

 

So Thomas tightened his fist and rapidly walked up the road to the government. He probably should have said something. Should have defended himself. Should have defended James. But no one would have listened to a man who had just screamed at a little boy selling a newspaper with a pamphlet attacking his alleged lover on it. No one.

 

Jefferson thought for a second about visiting James’ house, but it was too risky for both of them with everyone being ready to eavesdrop on the current scandal’s main characters.

 

_James._

 

Thomas couldn’t help but choke back tears when he thought about his sweet, small James being mocked by everyone, teased, harassed, attacked on the way to the Government. What if people hurt him ? What if he was locked in his room, crying ? What if he was already in trouble ?

 

Thomas shook his head. No matter how worried he was, he couldn’t go check on him. It would just aggravate both their cases. He had to make sure they were safe first.

 

_I must meet him at the Government. It will be less suspicious._

 

Jefferson quickened his pace, eager to escape the curious gazes around him.

His face was flushed with anger and exhaustion as he burst through the government’s doors. Some congressmen immediately started whispering upon seeing him, and Jefferson sent them a death glare.

He nonetheless continued his walk, his eyes searching for his tiny lover.

 

Thomas took a turn in one of the hallways and stopped dead in his tracks: in front of him stood Mulligan and Lafayette, both staring at him with widened eyes.

“Thomas...” Lafayette began nervously.

The Virginian stared at them silently for a few seconds. His eyes were darting between the awkwardly smiling Frenchman and his embarrassed partner. Thomas did not speak, and all of his muscles were tensed. He was angry. Terribly angry.

 

_His other crime is an attempted rape on sirs Hercules Mulligan and Marquis de Lafayette..._

 

It was their fault... their fault too...

 

Then he remembered. The names at the end of the pamphlet. The authors.

 

_They did not write it ! They did not help writing it !_

 

Jefferson’s heart exploded in his chest. Maybe Hamilton just used them as an excuse to attack James ! The two other men probably knew that James was innocent !

His eyes full of hope, he jumped to their side.

 

“Lafayette ! Mulligan ! I need your help ! Your read the papers right ? It’s not too late we can still save James’ reputation by publishing an article in tomorrow’s edition ! I just need you to back my arguments we can wreck their pamphlet to the mud listen to me we...”

 

Thomas stopped.

 

Mulligan and Lafayette were sharing pained looks, and Jefferson’s eyes twitched with confusion.

“What ?”

“It’s too late Thomas...”

“No Laf ! It’s not !”

“It is. _Le mal est fait_...”

Jefferson stood there, not knowing what to say. There was something in their nervous behavior that made him uncomfortable. His guts were twisted with instinctive concern.

Mulligan cleared his throat.

 

“Thomas, the pamphlet is true.”

 

And Thomas’s heart sank.

 

“What ?”

 

He could not believe it.

 

“James tried to rape both Lafayette and I. That’s why we left his house.”

 

_No._

 

He was lying.

 

He was obviously lying.

 

Jefferson grabbed Mulligan’s collar.

“Why would you say this ? Madison’s life could be at stake !” he growled through gritted teeth.

Mulligan averted his eyes. His breathing was shallow from Jefferson’s grasp.

Thomas was blinded with a rage he could barely contain.

They were James’ _friends_! How could they betray him ?

His eyes darkened and he tightened his grip. Mulligan closed his eyes, trying to breathe. He was not fighting back.

 

_It’s cause you’re ashamed ! You know this pamphlet is full of bullshit !_

 

As anger grew within him, he felt something slithering between Mulligan and him, and soon he was hugged by two strong arms. Someone was embracing him tightly. _Shaking_.

  


Jefferson let go of Mulligan’s collar under the shock.

He felt the man hugging him even tighter. His throat let out a choked noise, both from his growing despair and the warmth of the embrace. He needed someone to support him right now.

 

No. Not someone.

 

He needed James.

 

“Our’s too Thomas. Our life too is at stake...” whispered Lafayette’s trembling voice.

 

He was fighting back tears.

 

Thomas remained silent.

Mulligan was watching them with glowing eyes, full of pain and shame.

Finally, Lafayette let go of him and Jefferson saw him sweeping away a few tears. He gave Thomas a weak smile and turned back to continue his walk with Mulligan. The two men walked past him, and Jefferson heard Lafayette’ soft voice next to him.

“See you on the other side...”

Thomas nodded.

 

_If we meet again..._

 

*****

 

Jefferson had been silently looking around the campus for twenty minutes when he overheard two congressmen talking.

“James Madison hasn’t arrived to work yet. Do you think he’s trying to avoid the public ?”

“I don’t know, but it is clearly suspicious...”

Thomas bit his tongue. He had to remain calm and collected, otherwise people might take his reactions for evidence of his relationship with James.

  


His heart tightened. He could never have a public relationship with him. Homosexuality was considered to be a sin. They would both be in great danger if they were to be discovered.

 

_But are we even in a relationship ?_

 

He tightened his fist. They hadn’t talked to each other for weeks. Thomas would occasionally walk past Madison in the hallways, or have to debate with him in cabinet meetings, but they hadn’t had a real private talk since _that_ day. Since the day Madison and him had kissed endlessly, melting into each other’s embrace. Since the day Thomas had comforted him after his panic attack, finally telling him the truth about his own abuse. Since the day Hamilton came back and destroyed James’ confidence again.

 

_Since the day I almost fucked Hamilton._

 

A shiver ran down his spine. He hadn’t been himself on that day. He had broken through many barriers, both his and Hamilton’s.

And most of all he almost cheated on James.

But again, there was no cheating if there was no relationship... Had they even ever been together ? Were they still now ? Did James still love him, after weeks of silence ? After the circumstances of their last encounter ?

 

Had James even ever loved him ?

 

Thomas shook his head. He had to stop overthinking. Since James wasn’t here yet, he had to go to his office and wait there a bit, to avoid further suspicions. The Virginian had already been walking around in frantic circles for thirty minutes after all...

 

Jefferson turned around and headed to his office. Nervous thoughts were assaulting his mind. He remembered the gossips, the suspicions that already targeted Madison ever since he came back from France.

Jefferson hated himself for not having acted out from the very beginning. Madison was the perfect target: shy, introverted, small, and most of all, host of numerous men without wives. Now Thomas’ most dreaded fears had come true: Hamilton and his friends had used these rumors to attack James, for whatever reason it was.

 

Speaking of them, Jefferson’s eyes narrowed as he caught a glimpse of Burr and Laurens walking in his direction. John tensed when he saw him, and looked away. But Burr immediately walked up to him.

“Jefferson ! You saw the pamphlet right ?”

Thomas dryly nodded, chin up.

“So... are you like... _a real fag_?”

Jefferson raised his brow, menacing.

“Shouldn’t you know the answer ? After all you wrote a whole pamphlet on this _speculation_...”

“Ahaha yeah I know... But to be honest, I know you’re not, and you will have no problem proving it. This pamphlet was mostly directed towards Madison...”

“Yeah, I had guessed...”

Burr shrugged.

“I wonder why Hamilton insisted on targeting Madison... You’re more of his opponent than this poor asshole is...”

Thomas’s eyes lit up with anger almost instantly.

“Excuse you ?”

“What ? He _is_ an asshole ! Alex and John told me about what he did to Lafayette and Mulligan, right John ?”

Thomas looked up, astounded.

Laurens seemed hesitant. He blushed and looked away.

“Yeah...” he whispered.

 

Jefferson could not believe it. Laurens was lying ! He was conscious that the pamphlet was false !

 

“You see ? I told you he was an asshole. Now all you gotta do is get rid of him.”

“What ?”

Jefferson blinked. Burr raised a brow, incredulous.

“Well if you wanna prove you guys are not in a “relationship”, you better let him go real soon. With the election coming up, you don’t want to be accused of sinful activities don’t you ?”

The shimmer in his eyes could not be mistaken: mischief.

Burr had helped Hamilton to make sure Jefferson was in a disadvantaged position for the elections. And now Thomas had only two options: loosing, or destroying James.

“Well then, we won’t hold you any longer. Come on, John. Have a nice day, Jefferson.”

Burr immediately disappeared, dragging behind him a shameful Laurens. Not once had he made eye contact with Thomas.

And now Jefferson was left alone to his own thoughts. He began walking again.

 

His office. He had to reach his office. To find peace. To hide.

 

Burr was right. His only chance was to let go of James.

But could he even do that ? James probably needed him more than ever right now...

 

_Or maybe he doesn’t... I abandoned him for weeks... maybe he simply hates me more..._

 

Thomas’ throat tightened as he fought back tears.

 

_Maybe he hates me..._

 

He arrived in front of his office.

Just as he was turning the doorknob, Jefferson saw a figure he knew way too well turning to engage in the hallway.

His muscles tensed.

 

_Hamilton._

 

The other man saw him and stopped, visibly surprised. His eyes shifted away in shame. He nonetheless tried to put on a smug grin.

He was holding out a newspaper, showing him the highlights’ title.

 

**The Madison Pamphlet**

 

“H-hey Jefferson ! Have you read this ?”

 

Thomas closed the door behind him.

 

*****

 

For as long as the American Independence had been declared, Jefferson knew he wanted to be president. He had always felt like he could follow in Washington’s footsteps and get a boost for the Union.

Then Hamilton came in, and he had another reason to run for President: saving the nation from this guy’s evil genius.

Now Jefferson was Vice President, only a step away from achieving his dream. Madison’s dream too.

Thomas’ heart tightened. He was seated in his office, thinking about Burr’s words.

 

_Letting go of him._

 

No there was no “letting go” of James. There was “destroying” James, breaking him.

Jefferson remembered his promise: never leaving James behind.

It was _them_ leading America’s first steps into the world. Not only him.

 

But Burr was right, and Hamilton was really smart: Jefferson was facing a difficult choice.

It was the nation or it was James.

It was both their reputations or only James’.

It was the two of them or only James.

 

Thomas put his forehead against his hands and sighed. He had already lost against Adams during the previous elections, so the public knew him. But they also had arguments against him, and suspicions of homosexuality could easily destroy his chances. Then it would be between Burr and Hamilton.

An indecisive nobody against a loudmouth bother.

 

Thomas knew this was a terrible outcome, but his heart was torn, for the other possibility wasn’t more pleasing: James being wiped out political life, humiliated, alone. He could be executed.

 

Thomas imagined for a second James’ small body dancing at the edge of a rope. Lifeless.

 

He shook his head. He could not give up on him.

He loved him.

No matter his previous doubts. No matter his mistake with Alexander.

 

He was in love with James, and if they were going to be executed, then they’ll die together.

 

And again. The nation. He could not give up on the nation could he ?

 

And James. James’ small frame. James’ shiny eyes and gorgeous smiles.

 

_I love you Thomas_

 

And Hamilton’s plans. His twisted mind. His violence.

 

_I love you Thomas_

 

No

 

_Say no to this_

 

A deep, loving voice

 

_Thomas..._

 

A sharp, sly voice

 

_Thomas..._

 

And then, another voice.

 

Panicked

 

Loud

 

A door opening

 

Closing

 

_Slam_

 

“THOMAS !”

 

Broken voice. Broken heart.

 

And Thomas saw him.

The love of his life. The small, dark man to whom he dedicated all his thoughts, prayers and heartbeats.

 

Standing on the doorstep and dripping with tears.

 

His big black eyes were shining with despair. His mouth was open, gasping out loud sobs and silent cries.

 

In his hand he was tightly clutching a torn paper.

 

**The Madison Pamphlet**

 

“Thomas it’s terrible everyone is staring at me and insulting me I don’t know what to do I need your help please Thomas...”

James was a shaking mess. He was gesticulating with uncoordinated movements: stumbling towards Jefferson, looking at the paper, looking behind him, looking at Thomas.

“Thomas I don’t know why they did that I haven’t done anything to Hamilton I wasn’t even going to tell anyone about what he did to me and he knew it and John was so nice with me he seemed like a genuinely kind guy and I know Burr he isn’t mean we used to talk and and...”

The poor man could barely think straight. He was getting closer to Jefferson, still soaked with tears and sniffling through his sobs.

 

Thomas did not say a word. His whole body was telling him to hug the small Virginian, to hold him ever so tightly until his sorrow was soothed.

 

He wanted to say it.

 

_It’s okay Jemmy I’m here we’re gonna get through this just trust me_

 

He could not say it.

 

“You should leave.”

 

James stopped. He raised his head and looked at Thomas with big black eyes, lost and afraid.

 

“What ?”

 

His voice was soft and low, like a cry.

 

“I said I think you should leave.”

“B-but Thomas...”

Madison tried to reach his hand but Thomas took a few steps back and avoided his gaze.

“Thomas...”

“You should leave, Madison.”

 

_Madison._

 

James shook his head, willing to say something but unable to come up with anything.

He tried to think, to understand the reasons why the man he needed most right now was pushing him away.

“Thomas if it’s about that night a few weeks ago, know that I am sorry... I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings but I panicked I-”

“Leave.”

 

James’ heart skipped a bit. He looked at Thomas’ dark expression, his pinched lips and shameful eyes.

And he understood. Everything became clear. He scolded himself mentally for not understanding earlier.

 

“You want to save your reputation, don’t you ?”

 

Jefferson remained silent. He was not sparing a glance at James.

He felt ashamed, miserable. He wanted to beg for Madison’s forgiveness, but he couldn’t.

 

And suddenly he heard a light chuckle.

 

Thomas’ eyes widened as he saw James giggling in front of him. The small Virginian wiped away a few tears.

“So that’s how it’s going to be, right Thomas ? You don’t want people to think you’re in an actual relationship with “James Madison the rapist”, who is a man, by the way ! You’re so desperate to be president that you don’t even care about my feelings ! Say, do you even know how I’m feeling ?”

Thomas’ chest tightened but he remained silent. He saw James nodding and chuckling.

“No. No you don’t. My abuser and rapist just wrote a pamphlet full of lies against me with the help of one of my friends and one of my partners. Everyone read it, everyone wants me dead.”

 

James dancing at the end of a rope.

 

_Stop it_

 

Say no to this

 

Madison walked up to Thomas. Jefferson did not move.

“Do you even know how it is to be the target of a pamphlet, Thomas ? It’s not fair you see, it’s not fair that I’m the only one suffering here !”

He was almost yelling now.

Then James smiled and took a few steps back. He opened his arms.

“So here it is ! Here is your “Jefferson Pamphlet”, my dearest, Thomas !”

Thomas sighed, both from exhaustion and pain.

“Come on, James... be sensibl-”

“No.”

 

Thomas looked at him. Madison seemed to be fighting back tears. His voice was trembling, but his eyes were shooting daggers.

“I don’t have to be sensible Thomas. Not now. Now is time for you to listen. They published a pamphlet against me, Thomas. A pamphlet. They told the whole world how I brought three men into my bed. In blaming _your_ name, they have ruined _my_ life. They are _your_ enemies. They whisper, they want to make me scream. But you know what, I know about whispers.”

James stopped, and Thomas raised a brow. The small man swallowed dryly, and wiped away a few tears. His eyes were full of sorrow, and his voice broke down.

 

“I see how you look at Alexander...”

 

Jefferson’s heart skipped a bit and he jumped forward, trying to catch James’ hand.

 

_No Jemmy it’s not true I swear listen to me I love you and only you !_

  


Say it.

 

But James snatched his hand away. Jefferson choked back a sob when he saw the look of sheer hatred on Madison’s face.

“ _Don’t_. I’m not naive. I have seen the way he acts around you.”

“James...”

“ _Don’t_ take another step in my direction. I can’t be trusted around you... I... I don’t know who you are, I have so much to learn...”

Thomas shook his head, holding back his tears. He wanted to speak up, but his voice was too weak.

 

_You know me James... I swear you know me... I’m still the same man that loved you James..._

 

Madison pinched his nose, and took a deep, shaky breath. Then he looked back at Thomas with dull eyes.

“You forfeit all rights to my heart, Thomas. And you know why ? It’s cause you are paranoid, stupidly paranoid. You have invented a new kind of stupid. A damage you can never undo kind of stupid.”

Thomas looked down, and bit his lips.

 

_I know Jemmy... I know and I’m sorry..._

 

Say it.

 

What are you waiting for ?

 

_Tell him_

 

James’ voice softened even more. Tears dropped down his face, and Thomas desperately wanted to kiss them away. To hold him until the pain was gone.

“I’m erasing myself from your narrative... I hope you’re happy, and if the path you chose is greener, then I’ll shut my mouth and I’ll let you go, is that good for you ?”

 

_No, no it’s not._

 

“I’ll let future historians wonder how Madison reacted when his whole life crumbled. It was completely torn apart, and yet, you’re watching it burn.”

 

Thomas choke back his tears. He had to stay strong. He had to.

 

“James... I’m sorry... but I... I haven’t done anything I-”

“ _Haven’t done anything ?_ That’s exactly the problem ! You wanna know what you did, Thomas ? You took a rumor just a few, maybe two, people knew, and refused to refute it by denying an affair of which no one had accused you. Except what ? Three “opponents” ? Three people that everyone _knows_ want you down ? You’re so scared of what your enemies might do to you, but you’re the only enemy you ever seem to lose to ! You know why Hamilton can do what he wants ? He doesn’t ignore schoolyard taunts without response ! So yeah, congratulations !”

 

Saying this, the crying man began clapping his hand, a broken smile on his face. Jefferson felt shame and remorse creeping up his chest. He was hurting James.

Again.

 

“Congratu-fucking-lations Thomas ! You’ve redefined _our_ legacy. You know what ? You’ll just have to write your own from now on ! Yeah you’ll write your own fucking legacy, Thomas ! But if you thought you were mine, well _don’t_.”

James’ voice broke. He sobbed, and wiped away his tears. Thomas approached him, and reached out his hand. The other man shivered under his touch, and Jefferson’s breath stopped. He hadn’t been this private with him in weeks, and he had to fight back the butterflies that flew in his stomach from this simple touch. He gently rubbed his friend’ shoulder, trying to soothe his trembling muscles.

 

But he had to stay strong.

 

“I’m sorry James... but please, you have to understand. I can’t let Hamilton be president. He’ll ruin the country I-”

“Thomas do you even think that I fucking care ?”

James was cuddled against him, but his eyes were still shooting daggers at Jefferson. He seemed so fragile and yet so furious.

“I languished in an abused partnership, I lived only to read your letters... I look at you and think “God what have we done with our lives, and where did it get us ?”. I thought the pain was gone, that I could heal in peace. But now I’m back into this human hell, and apparently I’m here to stay. You know what I was here to do ?”

His eyes melted in tears, but his voice remained strong.

 

“I was here for you...”

 

Thomas’ heart broke down and he tried to hug him tighter, but James pushed him away.

He stood a few meters away from him, a pained smile on his face.

“I knew you like you were my own mind, I had never found anyone as trusting or as kind. And a million years ago you said to me “I love you”...”

 

Thomas shook his head, fighting back his tears. Fighting back his heart.

 

_Stay strong._

 

“... So I trusted you... Do you know why ?”

He let out a soft chuckle. His voice was ever so sweet, and Thomas’ chest hurt him even more.

 

He loved him so much...

 

“I saved every letter you wrote me, Thomas... From the moment you came back, I knew you were mine, you said you were mine, I thought you were mine.”

 

_I am yours..._

 

“These letters, I’ll be watching them burn. Or I could give them to you so you can burn them yourself, since apparently you are the once deciding to destroy our relationship... Maybe burning them will warm your cold heart...”

 

Cold. Colder than ice.

 

_Say something_

 

“James...”

 

The small man looked up, eyes shining.

 

Hope.

 

“Get out of my office. Now.”

 

Pain.

 

Madison took a deep breath, and put his chin up.

 

“Very well then.”

 

He turned around and opened the door.

Just before stepping out, he stopped, and threw Jefferson a spiteful look.

 

“I hope that you burn, Thomas.”

 

_No_

 

Comfort him

 

_Say no this_

 

“That’s mister Vice President to you, mister Madison.”

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Le mal est fait = the wrong is done (French expression meaning that it is too late)  
> Lyrics belong to Lin-Manuel Miranda
> 
> Okay so here I mixed Congratulations/First Burn/Burn... ahah how do you feel about this ? (please don't kill me)
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and comments !!!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jefferson thinks about his actions, about life, about his feelings.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: DEATH/PTSD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: DEATH/PTSD

A few months after his “break-up” with James, Thomas was now preparing himself for the upcoming elections. He would work late at night, spend as many hours as he could in the streets, campaigning and reaching out to the public. Jefferson had felt incredibly alone for these past few months, and he craved for human contact. He would talk to anyone, smile, shake hands, even charm some ladies.

But eventually he’ll come home to his new and luxurious accommodation every night, and his loneliness would sting him again. He would spend the night drinking his sorrow, writing essays or drafting programs. Everything he could do to get _him_ out of his mind.

 

Thomas still saw Madison in the government’s hallways, but he refused to debate with him. Eventually, the rumors died out, now that everyone could see that both men could live without each other. And yet, in Jefferson’s case, living was a strong word...

 

Today was one of those day where sleep abandoned him earlier than expected, and Thomas decided to go on a walk. The waking sun was getting up over the city, and Jefferson was alone with his thoughts.

He was exhausted, tired of his hours of hard work and loneliness. If he could, Thomas would go back in time, to the day he came home from France. He would walk out of his carriage and see Madison walking up to him, red in the face, smiling.

 

Oh how much would he give to see him smile again...

 

But maybe it would be better to go back even earlier, to the day before he left for France. He would have stayed, stayed by Madison’s side. And James would never have had to live through all his ordeals. His smile would have never been altered.

 

_But now it’s too late..._

 

James could never smile as genuinely as before. And Thomas was one of the reasons why...

He had destroyed him. Again. For the sake of his reputation, of his carrier. How could he ever forgive himself ?

 

Jefferson was battling with his inner self when his eyes caught a glimpse of a familiar figure discussing with two other men.

His heart tightened when he recognized the features of Hamilton.

 

No.

 

No it wasn’t Hamilton.

 

This man was smaller, and had brighter, curlier hair. And as Jefferson approached the three men, he noticed a myriad of freckles covering his face.

The man spotted him, and stopped talking with his partners to face him.

 

He looked a lot like John Laurens, now that Jefferson thought about it.

 

It was Hamilton’s eldest son, Philip Hamilton.

Philip frowned when he saw him, but tensely walked up to him anyway.

“Good morning, mister Jefferson” he said with a serious voice.

His father had probably told him about his hatred for Jefferson.

“Good morning, son. Say whatcha doing at such an early hour ?”

The smaller man averted his eyes and fiddled nervously. After his attempted strong first impression, Philip had turned back into a kid. The poor fellow was no more than nineteen years old.

“A man named George Eacker disparaged my father’s legacy in front of a crowd. I can’t have that I’m making my father proud !”

The young man was boiling with anger.

Jefferson blinked, surprised. He hadn’t expected that outcome.

“You’re going on a duel....”

“Yes sir, across the river in New Jersey...”

“Yeah... everything is legal in New Jersey...”

 

Thomas looked at the freckled boy. He was full of Hamilton’s excitement. Jefferson could not help but see his father in him.

“But what happened ?”

“The asshole said my father was lying in the Madison Pamphlet. He said he probably was the real rapist and accused him of having an affair with a certain Maria Reynolds... ‘Said it proves his “sexual needs”...”

 

Thomas had to fight back his desire to tell the young man that Eacker was right about the rapist part. But seeing this man, so young and new to this world, he thought twice about this decision.

He could not destroy this kid’s father figure. It was just not fair.

 

“But you know, kiddo, to take someone’s life, it’s something you can’t shake...”

“I know that ! My father told me to fire my weapon in the air. This will put an end to the whole affair...”

Philip seemed terribly nervous, and Thomas could not help but feel pity for him. He had so much to learn from this world… Plus, how could Hamilton send his own son to a duel ?

_He’s insane..._

 

But Jefferson knew that it wasn’t his role to tell Philip not to go…

“Well then, I wish you good luck ! May God be on your side !”

Philip solemnly nodded and turned around. His two men followed him, and Jefferson watched them disappear in the fields.

 

He stayed there for a while, thinking about this kid, the life he will live. He thought about his father’s influence. Could Hamilton raise a noble man ?

Seeing this freckled boy, so honorable and yet so young, Jefferson let himself hope so.

 

The Virginian decided to follow the group’s steps. With a little luck, he’ll arrive when all was done, and could walk the kid home safely. He was curious as to who Philip Hamilton truly was.

New Jersey’s frontiers weren’t far away. After a good twenty minutes walk, Thomas crossed the Hudson.

 

That’s when he heard the gunshot.

 

There should be no gunshots, if both opponents throw away their shots.

 

Before knowing it, Jefferson saw himself running towards the sound. He felt his chest tightening up. Soon he arrived in front of an open field. He was panting, trying to calm his heartbeats.

 

And he saw him.

 

Philip was being carried by his two men, the doctor hurriedly trying to give him his first aids.

A few feet away stood a man with a gun, looking devastated by what he had just done.

  


Thomas saw the blood dripping from Philip’ sides, and the poor kid was groaning in pain. One of his man saw Jefferson and called him out.

“Sir, please come and help us ! We have to bring him back as soon as possible ! He lost a lot of blood, the bullet entered just above his hip !”

Thomas barely thought about what he was doing, and soon he was holding Philip’ shoulders.

He was frail and light, and his skin was getting whiter and whiter. Blood was escaping his twisted mouth.

 

The kid opened his eyes and frowned.

“Mi-Mister Jefferson...”

“Shhh... it’s gonna be alright...”

“I did exactly as he said... I held my head up high...”

“I know I know... you did everything just right...”

Thomas felt a terrible sorrow creeping up his chest. The kid coughed up blood.

“E-even before we got to ten... I was aiming for the sky...”

“I know I know... but now please... save your strength. And stay alive...”

 

*****

 

“Where is my son ?”

 

Thomas was sat in the doctor’s hallway when he saw Hamilton bursting in, looking as panicked as ever. He could not help but feel sorry for the devastated father. Alexander had red eyes, which meant he had already cried a lot. He was trembling, looking around with panicked movements.

 Jefferson heard the doctor whispering, and then Hamilton’s voice again.

“Can I see him please ?”

 

Thomas’s closed his eyes. Hamilton’s voice was weak and desperate.

Soon the door closed and Jefferson was left alone in the hallway. He grabbed his head with his hands and let out a long, exhausted sigh.

 

He didn’t know why, but he didn’t even think about leaving. Something made him feel the need to stay close. Deep inside, he genuinely cared about the poor kid’s fate.

 

_He was only nineteen... He could have grown up to be a great man, like his father, maybe bolder.._

 

A great man...

 

Hamilton was probably far from being a great man.

But Philip could have become someone fair and honest...

 

_What am I saying, he’s not even dead..._

 

Yet.

 

Jefferson saw the wound. It was a lethal one, no doubts about it.

 

An hour went by when Elizabeth Hamilton burst in, dripping with tears, before entering her son’s room like a fury.

“Is he breathing ? Is he going to survive this ? Who did this ? Alexander did you know ?”

Her voice died out when the door closed behind her.

 

Yes, Hamilton knew...

 

But Jefferson too...

 

_Should have I said something ? Should have I stopped him ?_

 

Maybe, if he had told the kid about his father’s actions, he would have decided not to go duelling. Maybe he would have understood that Eacker was right, and that there was no need for duelling then... Or maybe his pain would have stopped him from proceeding to further actions...

 

But was it right to tell a kid that his father was a rapist ? Was he the one supposed to say it ? Was that something that you could even speak about ?

 

Hours went by, and it felt like days for Jefferson. He had no reason for staying, and yet, remorse and concern stopped him from leaving.

 

Finally, a huge cry woke him from his thoughts.

 

There was no doubts possible.

The clock had stopped ticking for Philip.

 

1, 2, 3, 4... and then nothing.

 

Just pain and regrets.

 

Hamilton got out of the room and closed the door behind him. He had a hand over his mouth, and his face was soaked with tears. Sobs were escaping his shaking lips.

Jefferson frowned. He felt sorry for the man, despite everything else.

Suddenly, Hamilton saw him, and his eyes widened. Thomas nodded gravely, showing him that he wasn’t here to fight. Hamilton sniffled and wiped his face away before sitting on the bench a few inches away from Jefferson.

Both man stayed silent for a few minutes, with only Hamilton’ sobs being heard.

 

Suddenly Alexander straightened up and stared right in front of him.

“I’m stepping down, I’m not running for President.”

Jefferson looked at him, dumbfounded.

“What ?”

“I can’t run for President anymore... I... I don’t feel like it’s the right time for me... I have to comfort my family now...”

His voice cracked and he shifted his gaze away.

Jefferson scanned his behavior for a few seconds before nodding and turning away too.

Both men remained silent again.

 

“I saw your son this morning...”

Hamilton tensed. He spared him a quick, pained glance.

“And ?”

“I decided not to tell him about what you’d done. I’m not sure if it was the right decision... Maybe it would have stopped him...”

Hamilton shook his head. He chuckled.

“He had the same virtuosity and brains as me, nothing would have stopped him...”

Hamilton stayed silent for a bit.

  


“I’m grateful that you didn’t tell him...”

Jefferson nodded again.

There was so much to be said, and yet breaking the silence seemed like the most difficult task to achieve.

 

Jefferson wanted to scream, to yell, to cry, and yet he could not make out a single sentence.

But Hamilton took a deep, nervous breath.

“Listen Jefferson, I’m sorry for the pamphlet I-”

“Don’t.”

Hamilton seemed startled. He looked at Jefferson for an answer, but the Virginian was staring at the wall, avoiding his gaze.

 

“Now is not the time.”

Hamilton sniffled and nodded. He laid his head against the wall.

A few minutes went by, during which he would occasionally throw quick glances at Jefferson.

Then he finally spoke up.

“When they told me about my son being shot, I was in an early meeting at the Government. I saw Madison there.”

Thomas’ eyes widened and he tensed up.

“And ?” he asked warily.

“Well I don’t know why, but he seemed really affected, and rushed out of the room... I think you should go and see him.”

 

Jefferson’s heart ached. He could not bear to see Madison in such a devastated state again.

He shook his head.

“I haven’t talked to him in months. I think he hates me now...”

“Come on man...”

Thomas looked up and met Hamilton’s wet eyes. Alexander had a weak, pained smile on his lips.

“You love him. And he loves you. Go and see him. We are all running out of time when it comes to sharing moments with our loved ones...”

 

His eyes darkened when he said this. Jefferson felt pity for the man. He had lost so many people in his life, and now his son was gone...

Alexander took a deep breath and placed his fake smile back on his face.

“I know you’re not mine, Thomas. Now go and make things right with him... He needs you more than I do...”

  


Jefferson felt his chest hurting him. He had had a crush on Hamilton. A crush deeply buried under so many terrible memories, but a crush nonetheless. And Hamilton seemed pained too, awfully pained.

Thomas stood up and walked to the door. He turned around one last time, and they stared at each other for a while.

Hamilton’s daring eyes were deeply plunged into Jefferson’s thoughtful gaze for one last time.

 

They both nodded, and Thomas left.

 

They were not meant to be each other’s. They were made to be opponents.

However opposites easily attract, and when they meet, the shock is devastating...

 

*****

 

Thomas stood on Madison’s doorstep, knocking.

“James ? James it’s me please open up !”

  


Who was he kidding ? Madison was never going to open to him again.

 

But Jefferson did not give up. He kept on knocking and calling out, until a shaky voice answered from behind the door.

“Go away...”

 

Madison sounded devastated.

Jefferson put his ear against the door.

“Please James... Open up...”

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

 

And yet the words hurt.

 

“James I came here because I heard you rushed home after hearing about Philip Hamilton

being shot.”

 

At first, Madison did not answer, and Jefferson bit his lips anxiously. Finally, his former lover’ small voice resonated from behind the door.

“Is... is he okay ?”

Thomas’ chest tightened. He looked down and leaned against the door. He could not lie...

“No... No James... He passed away...”

 

Once again, he heard nothing for a while.

Then Thomas heard Madison falling to the ground against the door.

At first, he panicked, thinking James had fainted.

 

_He might have hurt himself !_

 

Then he heard the soft sobs and sniffling.

 

“James...”

He kneeled behind the door, hoping that James could hear him better.

  


“He died because of me Thomas...”

Jefferson’s eyes widened.

“What ? No !”

“Yes he did ! If-if I wasn’t so weak and stupid, Hamilton wouldn’t have dared to write the pamphlet and Eacker wouldn’t have speculated and Philip would have never asked him to have a duel !”

 

Jefferson was dumbfounded.

“... how do you know about this ?”

“Come on Thomas ! It’s been hours; the whole town knows now.”

James was bitterly shouting through his sobs. Thomas put a hand on the door with a heavy heart. He wished it was open, so he could hold James in his arms and soothe him.

  


“James... nothing is your fault...”

“It is !”

“No James... He abused you... He raped you... There was nothing you could do... This pamphlet was meant to bring troubles since the very beginning... It’s not your fault...”

James sobbed and said nothing for a few seconds. Then he spoke again, with his voice as soft and shaking as ever.

“If I could spare his life Thomas... If I could trade his life for mine... he’d been standing here right now...”

“I know James... But I’d be devastated if I were to lose you...”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would.”

 

Suddenly the door opened, and Thomas lost his balance. He fell on the ground, and coughed.

When he opened his eyes, James was standing on top of him, staring at him with eyes full of tears.

“Then why did you leave me ? How can you say you’d be devastated if you were to lose me when you were the one who chucked me out like I was trash ?”

Thomas stared at him. He was still lying on the ground, and yet he could not help but look at James. He hadn’t seen him from so close in months.

 

God he was beautiful...

 

“James...”

Madison groaned and wiped away his tears before rushing back into his house. Thomas quickly jumped to his feet and closed the door.

 

“James wait !”

But Madison wasn’t listening. He placed his hand on his couch and took a few breathes, trying to calm his respiration.

Thomas joined him and placed his hands on his shoulders.

“James...”

“Don’t touch me !”

Madison turned around and tried to fight back, his eyes shining with tears and anger.

Thomas grabbed his waist and tried to stop his movements, but James wasn’t calming down.

 

“James listen to me...”

“No !”

“James I’m so sorry...”

“Let me go !”

“James please !”

 

Jefferson almost cried out these words. His shaking voice surprised Madison, who stopped fighting back for an instant. Thomas took this opportunity to grab his face and plant his eyes in James’.

The small Virginian’s eyes widened: Jefferson had tears streaming down his face.

 

“I’ve been spending hours in the garden, walking alone to the store at unholy hours for months thinking about what I did James... I never should have let you go this way ! I want you to be with me James ! I need you ! Together we’ll lead America, remember ? I’ll protect you, I’ll tell everyone that you are trustworthy and honorable. I swear I’ll make it up to you James !”

Madison frowned, looking away. Tears were swelling up in his eyes but he refused to speak.

Jefferson was helpless, trying to find what to say. His hands were still cupping James’ cheeks, and he could not help but think about how cute he was.

Thomas smiled weakly.

“I love you James. I love you more than anything in this life. I would choose your happiness over mine every time... I love you so much...”

“You said it already.”

Jefferson’ smile dropped. Madison sniffled and blinked a few tears away.

“You said it a lot, and yet you still let me down in the end...”

Thomas shook his head, and tried to make Madison face him.

  


“Look at me James please...”

Madison let out a soft sigh and looked up.

His eyes were breathtaking: black, shining with anger, dripping with diamond-like tears.

Thomas could not help but blush. He smiled and gently rubbed his cheeks with his fingers.

“Look at where we are... Look at where we started... I know I don’t deserve you Madison, but hear me out, that would be enough. If I could turn back time... If I could trade your pain for mine... I would never have let you down, and you would smile... and that would be enough...”

James looked away, tears streaming down his face, but Jefferson made him glance at him again.

“I don’t pretend to know the challenges you’re facing... I know there’s no forgetting what you’ve lived, and you need time... But I am not afraid, I know who I fell in love with... Just let me stand here by your side, that would be enough...”

James looked at him, his face twisted up in different expressions, from pain to anger and sorrow. Jefferson found himself hoping Madison would understand how sorry he was.

  


Suddenly, James pushed him away and buried his face in his hands. He sobbed, and Jefferson saw his shoulders shaking.

The tall Virginian’s heart was breaking apart, but he knew he had to give James some space.

So he waited.

 

Finally, James took a deep breath and walked away.

Thomas felt himself panicking, but he dared not to move.

“Follow me...” whispered Madison.

Jefferson’s heart skipped a bit. James lead him to his garden. The small Virginian stopped in front of a tree. The sun was going down on the horizon.

If Thomas was perplex as to James’ purpose, he could not help but feel at peace. The soft breeze was gently sending waves through Madison’ short and curly hair, and the sunset gave his dark skin amber tones.

 

Jefferson could just stare at him for days. He wished that time could stop.

 

They stood there, next to each other, in silence.

Thomas wanted to stare at him endlessly, but he knew he would be making him uncomfortable. So he just stared at the sun’s last rays.

 

“I heard that Philip outshined the morning sun with his poems.” James suddenly said.

Thomas spared him a quick glance. James’ eyes were shining, reflecting the sunset’s orange light.

He was stunning.

 

“At the Government, everyone kept saying he would blow his father’s legacy all away with his own wisdom...”

Thomas nodded. He had also heard about Hamilton’s pride and joy.

 

He looked back at the sun. It had almost completely vanished.

Both men were staring at it with a common respect which was hard to define. There was something in this sunset that was different: they could see the closing eyes of shining kid in it.

 

So the respectful silent stretched, as a last tribute to the fallen poet.

 

For the first time in months, Thomas felt at peace. James hadn’t forgiven him yet, he wasn’t President yet, nothing was done yet.

 

But he just felt at peace.

 

And suddenly, a small hand took his own, and he froze.

 

The hand gently rubbed his palm, then soft fingers slithered within his.

Thomas closed his own, tightening it around the other hesitant one.

 

The touch was soft, shy, loving.

 

If opposites attract, then soulmates require sacrifices and strength to ever meet.

When the balance is found, the bond is unbreakable.

 

The touch felt surreal, and Jefferson dared not to look at it, fearing that it would disappear to never come back again for months.

 

A soft voice broke the silence.

 

“It’s quiet uptown...”

 

Thomas choked back a sob, tears prickling in his eyes.

He held the hand even tighter, shaking. Holding on to it as if it was his life-string.

 

Like a promise to never let it go again.

 

_Forgiveness. Can you imagine ?_

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics belong to Lin-Manuel Miranda
> 
> Did I just use Philip's death to make a Jeffmads version of "It's Quiet Uptown" ? Yes. Yes I did.
> 
> So as you can see this chapter looks like a "final chapter"... but it's not ! I still need to finish the musical lolol  
> Plus everything is not quite settled yet, with Laurens having betrayed James and stuff...
> 
> So you've still got a few chapters to go through !
> 
> Enjoy !!!


	18. Lemon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jefferson wins the elections of 1800. He celebrates it with his lover = SMUT
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: SMUT SMUT SMUT (+ mention of rape)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SMUT SMUT SMUT (+ mention of rape)
> 
> Read at your own risks (or pleasure) !!

“...Jefferson has my vote.”

 

This quote, said by Alexander Hamilton himself, had changed the tides of the election of 1800.

A few weeks after Philip’s death, Jefferson was now facing Aaron Burr, with his own faction. The man had been in a rather favorable position up until Hamilton released his unexpected choice.

 

Now the tables had turned. As much of a surprise as it was, Jefferson had the Federalists on his side.

He sighed. The congressmen were all reunited at the Government to hear the final results of the election. Thomas wasn’t exactly nervous. He knew he had good chances, but he was nonetheless frantically tapping his feet on the ground.

James had gone to count the ballots in another room with a few other politicians. They would come back in a matter of minutes now.

Thomas hoped everything was alright for Madison, considering his lover wasn’t exactly well seen by his fellow congressman since the pamphlet affair.

 

Speaking of the devil, James suddenly opened the heavy doors and walked in. Everyone in the room fell silent upon his arrival.

That was it; the moment of truth.

Thomas tensed. James was smart looking, a stoic expression on his face. He was handsome, conscious of the importance of his words.

 

“Following the principles of our Constitution, the people have elected a new president. This year, our new leader has won in a landslide.”

 

Some congressmen started muttering, and Jefferson had to stop himself from scolding them.

“I can’t believe they still allow this sinner in Congress...”

“Yes, he should go rot in Hell.”

Thomas took a deep breath. No matter what, he’ll protect James.

 

“The Third President of the United States of America is...”

 

The whole room tensed.

 

“... Thomas Jefferson.”

 

Cheers and applauds echoed across the room as Thomas sighed in relief and began shaking hands and smiling at others.

He had done it, finally. He was president.

 

_No. Not I._

 

His eyes quickly flew to meet Madison’s.

The small man was standing further away from him, but Thomas could see the soft glimmer of pride and love shinning in his lover’s eyes.

 

They had done it together. Through tears, blood and seat, they were finally going to lead America on its very first steps into the wide world.

He had not won alone, _they_ had won.

 

And James knew it, for a wide, sly smirk grew on his lips, for the first time in a long while.

 

*****

 

The rest of the day passed slowly, for Jefferson had to make endless speeches, to sign documents and hold meetings.

Thankfully, Madison was in charge of pretty much everything, and Thomas had been able to stick with him all day.

Each time the smaller man was talking to someone or explaining something, Jefferson would just stare at him with endearment, softly smiling.

No one truly noticed, for the rosy blush on his cheek could easily be explained by the heat or nervousness.

 

But Madison quickly noticed the loving stares his partner would give him, and more than once he found himself flustered and stammering. Again, the heat was held responsible.

 

From times to times, James would find a way to nudge Thomas or spare him an angry glance, but these attempts only widened his lover’s grin. The taller man couldn’t help it: a flustered, pissed and pouty Madison was just too much for him to handle after such a tough election period.

 

So James was left to roll his eyes and frown all day, trying to ignore the absolutely inattentive behavior of the new President.

 

Once the tours and meetings were over, Madison and Jefferson spent the rest of the evening putting things in place in the taller man’s new office. It was really big, and it felt weird for Jefferson to know that he was going to sit on the same chair on which two great men like Washington and Adams sat.

They were now alone in the building, enjoying each other’s presence. It was easier for them to spend time together at their workplace. There were less suspicions…

Thomas looked up from the box he was currently emptying and caught a glimpse of Madison struggling to put a set of maps on the top of a shelf.

The little man stood on the tip of his toes, stretching all of his muscles. He was breathing heavily but was obviously trying to keep his composure to prevent Jefferson from noticing his desperate attempt.

 

Well, too late...

 

Thomas leaned in his chair and crossed his arms, smirking widely.

“Aww Jemmy what’s going on ? You can’t reach the top of the shelf ?”

James sighed and got back on his feet. He turned to Thomas, still holding his maps.

He seemed pissed, but his chubby cheeks, reddened by the exhaustion, made him look adorable.

“Well as you can see I can’t... So are you going to help or what ?”

“Aww don’t be mad Jemmy. I’m sure you can do it yourself.”

“I can’t. Stop messing around and come help.”

“Naaa I don’t wanna ~~~”

“Thomas...”

James put a hand to his hips and began tapping his foot angrily. Thomas’ smile widened.

“Aww you’re so cute when you’re mad Jemmy...”

“Stop calling me that...”

“Jem’ ?”

“No.”

“Maddy ?”

“No.”

“Jemmy James ?”

“NO ! Now stop acting childishly and come help me put these fucking maps on the shelf.”

“Make me.”

 

A strange light shone in Madison’s eyes as he stared at Jefferson with an open mouth. Thomas’ grin wasn’t leaving his face, and he inclined his chin to the ground in a daring attitude. His eyes were shining with mischief and lust.

Suddenly, a small smile appeared on Madison’s mouth and he began walking towards Jefferson. Thomas turned the chair a little bit so that James could gently come and face him.

The smaller man placed a knee on the chair and leaned down to lay both his hands on the armrests. His face was an inch away from Jefferson’s. James blew a little, and the taller man licked his lips in anticipation.

But the kiss he awaited did not come, and Madison just stared at him with sly eyes and dirty grin.

“Is that a challenge, Mister Jefferson ?” he slowly asked.

Thomas’ eyes shone even brighter with arousal, and he shot up on his feet, grabbing Madison’s collar to throw him against the desk.

James yelped, but Jefferson tightened his grip on his collar and placed his face very close to Madison’s. The small man was breathing heavily from the shock and the surprise, and his eyes widened when he saw the proximity of Jefferson’s face. The tall Virginian was leaning over his lover’s bent body, looking at him with hungry eyes.

 

“You better watch that attitude in front of your President, Madison...”

“Y... Yes, sir !”

An electrical shock flew through Thomas’ veins when he heard James’ disobedient voice.

He smashed his lips onto the smaller man’s ones and pulled him closer by placing his arms around his neck.

Jefferson could feel James’ heat against the fabric, and he licked his lips, begging for an entrance.

Madison groaned, but as soon as a sound escaped his mouth Thomas’ tongue slipped through his thick lips and began dancing with his own.

The small Virginian melted into the kiss and he started panting, maltreated by Jefferson’s rough tongue.

 

Soon, the curly haired man broke the kiss and both Virginians stared at each other, breathing heavily.

 

That’s when Thomas noticed that James was shaking slightly.

“James are you okay ?”

“Yeah yeah I’m fine… continue please.”

Thomas raised a brow.

“You don’t expect me to believe you, do you ?”

James sighed, embarrassed.

“Really Thomas, I’m okay. I’m better at least. You were a bit rough and I was just caught off guard... nothing much...”

Seeing that Thomas wasn’t completely convinced, he smiled and slowly took his hand, clutching it tightly.

 

“Listen Thomas, I love you. I don’t want... I don’t want _this_ to hold me back anymore. It’s been months...”

“Still, it wasn’t nothing. I’m sorry I should have been more careful...”

Painful memories came back to Thomas’ mind, as he remembered the day he grabbed James’ wrists too roughly while making out.

James was clearly not ready to go this far yet...

 

But all of a sudden, the chubby man cupped his cheeks and lifted his chin up.

Jefferson’s eyes widened as he saw the look of sheer love that shone in Madison’s eyes.

“I said I’m fine Thomas. I love you. I wanna do it. I want you to make me forget everything else...”

His eyes darkened a bit, and he got back a little, fidgeting nervously.

 

“... I want my body back Thomas.”

 

Jefferson’s chest tightened and he gently placed his hand on James’ cheek to rub it.

Madison looked up with wet shiny eyes. Thomas melted inside.

“I want my body back. I want to feel like... like I can choose again... Just... I want to give myself to you Thomas...”

Jefferson smiled weakly, but James wasn’t done yet.

“I want this body - _my_ body, to be yours. I want to feel good, at peace. I want you to make me forget everything for an instant. And this is... this is why I’m telling you that it’s okay Thomas, that I’m okay.”

Jefferson leaned down and softly laid his lips on James’. His lover was trembling ever so slightly.

“I want to feel loved Thomas. I want my body to feel loved because the last time it was used it wasn’t for love...”

 

Something wet dropped down on James’ cheek and Thomas kissed it away. He was looking at James’ watering eyes with the softest, kindest look he’d ever had.

“So please Thomas... Show me that there is a good side in giving myself to the one I love... Show me how it feels like to be used by someone you love...”

 

The letters, Hamilton’s abuse of power, the rape... everything that had happened to James had broken him. He felt like nothing in him was worth loving, and he had forgotten what it felt like to feel genuinely at peace with himself.

 

Madison was now dripping with tears and softly sobbing. He laid his head on Thomas’ hands, shivering. Jefferson gently lifted his face up. He began placing soft kisses on his cheeks, kissing away each tear.

The tall Virginian was smiling, slowly soothing his crying lover.

“I’ll never use you James...”

“But... why ?”

“Because that’s not how a relationship works, my love...”

Madison was looking at him with big black eyes.

 

“B-but...”

“Shhh... I love you James. If you tell me you are ready, then I will show you how much I mean it. But there is no “use” involved in this. I’m not doing it because it will be profitable. I’m doing it because I want you to feel good, because I want us to fully belong to each other for a moment. I’ll teach you what love is, darlin’, cause that’s what you deserve...”

 

James’ lips began trembling again, but Jefferson kissed him before he could speak or sob. Madison responded to the kiss, a few tears pearling at the corner of his eyes.

Thomas grabbed his thighs and pulled him up on top of the desk, still kissing him.

Madison whined but Jefferson didn’t let him rest: he immediately went to kissing his jaw, sucking on it while going down to nibble his earlobe.

 

“T-Thomas !”, he moaned.

The taller one continued kissing the sensible skin behind his ear, then moved to his neck, licking and sucking on it.

James had thrown his head back, his eyes clouded with lust. Tiny moans were escaping his mouth, and Jefferson couldn’t help but smile.

He began kissing and blowing on the base of his neck, and Madison let out a lengthy sigh before grabbing Thomas’ hair.

The tall man went up and crashed his lips on his with short but passionate kisses.

His hands began undressing his small lover, and Madison broke away from the kiss to glance nervously at what Jefferson was doing. Quickly enough, Thomas placed a hand on his cheek and pulled him into another kiss, distracting him from the rising tension his action was causing.

  


Soon, James was shirtless, sat on the presidential desk.

Thomas took a step back to admire the slightly chubby body of his partner, his smooth dark skin and reddened face. The smaller one was panting heavily, already sweating and sparing Jefferson a lusty and disheveled glance.

  


Thomas’ heart skipped a bit.

“You’re beautiful...”, softly breathed the tall Virginian.

This caused the chubby man to blush harder. He gulped and looked away, but Jefferson kissed him again before pushing his shoulders to make him lay down on the desk.

Thomas began trailing soft kisses around his lover’s nipples and along the lines of his chest. He could feel his heartbeat increasing from this position. Looking up, Jefferson saw that Madison was struggling to breathe. Droplets of tears were shining in his eyes.

 

“Shhh... it’s okay James, we can stop if you want...”

“No... No it’s fine Thomas...”

 

James took a deep shaky breath, then smiled weakly.

Thomas smiled back and quickly jumped on the table. He crawled up to cup his lover’s face and kissed him softly.

Madison’s eyes were glimmering with trust and endearment, and Jefferson could feel his heart exploding in his chest.

 

“God James... How can you be so magnificent...?”

Madison chuckled and Thomas blushed even harder.

And to be honest, it wasn’t the only thing getting harder.

 

Jefferson was sweating, the heat in the room being very high by now. He quickly removed his shirt, and was pleased to see James’ eyes widening. The smaller one’s cheeks had turned crimson.

Thomas smirked and teasingly bent over him so Madison could face his perfectly toned chest.

It worked, for James gulped and nervously looked down to escape the overwhelming sight.

 

Bad idea: his eyes landed on Jefferson’s hard crotch.

Panicked, he looked up to meet his eyes, and Thomas immediately reassured him by placing a soft kiss on his cheek.

  


A question then popped in his mind.

“Hey James, do you want me to suck your dick ?”

“W-What ?”

 

Thomas chuckled. James seemed absolutely embarrassed.

“Your dick. Want me to suck it ?”

“Y-you can’t ask that kind of thing like this T-Thomas !”

“Why not ?”

“It’s... It’s not...”

“Oh let me use better words then...”

 

Jefferson teasingly laid down, stroking his muscled chest against James’ chubby one, causing him to tense up.

The tall Virginian stopped one inch away from his lover’s face, and looked at him with lusty, dirty eyes.

 

“Want me to take good care of you, darlin’ ?”

 

Madison opened his mouth to speak but only a surprised moan escaped his lips. Jefferson had placed a hand on his crotch, and was now slowly massaging it through the fabric.

James quickly turned into a panting and moaning mess, squirming under his lover’s touch.

“A-Ah ! T-Thomaas !”

“Yes my love ?”

“Q-Quit it... St-Stop teasing...”

“Your desires are my orders, my love...”

 

Jefferson got back and sank to his knees, pulling Madison with him. The small one yelped, and Thomas pushed him against the desk, maintaining him by his butt.

“I’m gonna need you to stay still, sweetheart...”

 

Thomas quickly pulled James’ pants down, then pushed him back against the desk while holding him by his thighs.

James was fully erected, and Jefferson did not waste any time. He began teasing around the shaft, kissing and licking small areas, going up and down, sucking on the top.

Madison was moaning and panting. His whole body was shaking, and he was trying really hard not to squirm to much.

 

“Aa-ah m-my goAhd !”

He threw his head back and pulled Jefferson’s hair, which made him groan. The vibration made James’ dick twitch and he yelped. Jefferson had to push him back against the desk, sparing him a disapproving glance.

 

“Still.”, he repeated with a low voice.

 

James shivered upon hearing his dominant tone, and Thomas noticed it. He smirked and put him back on the desk. With one of his hands, he pushed on his chest to make him lay down, before grabbing both his legs between his arms and pulling his hips up.

He then swallowed down the whole shaft, sucking hard on it.

James let out a huge cry and tried to escape the violent waves of pleasure but Thomas was holding him firmly.

 

“T-Thomas ! ThOmAs ! I’m... I’m close ! I’m very close !”

 

But Jefferson continued sucking on him as if he was trying to swallow him completely. James was panting, crying out of pleasure.

With one louder scream, he released himself inside Jefferson’s mouth, who did not let out a single drop of the bitter liquid.

 

James was breathing heavily, his eyes wide open with shock.

Thomas licked his lips and got on the desk with him.

 

“Wanna taste yourself my love ?”

He did not wait for his answer before kissing him sloppily.

Jefferson then smiled and looked proudly upon the shivering body of his lover.

 

“You seem to have enjoyed it...”

“But you haven’t cummed...”

 

Perplex, Thomas looked at James’ face. The small man seemed anxious.

“Well... no I haven’t...”

“But you have to.”

“I mean...”

“I want you to.”

Thomas chuckled. James was inexperienced and blunt; it was way too cute.

 

“If you feel like you have enough energy... why not ?”

James tensely nodded and began turning around under the perplexed gaze of his lover.

Soon, the chubby man was standing on his knees and hands, visibly waiting.

 

Thomas blinked, dumbfounded.

“James what are you doing ?”

 

Madison looked up and turned his head to face Jefferson. He seemed extremely worried and nervous.

 

“Hum... positioning myself ?”

“For what ?”

“Hum...”

 

Unsure of his action, the little man sat back and nervously fidgeted, looking down.

“I mean... I’ve never done this before so I thought... that like... I mean I assumed you wanted to... hum... you know... “go from behind” ?”

 

James was terribly embarrassed, and it worsened when Thomas burst out laughing.

“Aw James we don’t have to do this ! We have nothing to lubricate you and I don’t want to force you into anything !”

“But...”

 

James looked at him with teary eyes, and Thomas immediately felt bad for laughing. He wrapped his long arms around his lover’s shoulders and placed a loud kiss on his cheek.

 

“Jemmy I don’t want you to do something you are uncomfortable doing...”

“But I want to Thomas ! I want to belong to you and only you !”

 

Jefferson became more serious when he saw the pain in Madison’s look.

“Thomas the last person that penetrated me did it as a rape. I don’t want my body to be his anymore, I want it back. And I need you to get it back. Please Thomas...”

 

Jefferson scanned his face, and slowly wiped away the tears.

“James we can’t do this if you only feel like it’s an obligation for you...”

“It’s not... it really is not...”

“Well it doesn’t sound like it’s not...”

 

James sighed and smiled. He placed a hand on Jefferson’s one and put it away from his cheek.

“Thomas... I want you... I want you and only you... I want to please you, I want to belong to you... Because I love you Thomas...”

 

Jefferson smiled and nodded. He kissed him one last time, as an encouragement, then James got on his hands again.

Thomas got rid of his pants, and smirked when he saw James’ eyes widening.

 

“A problem Jemmy ?”

“N-no no !”

 

James quickly turned away, and Thomas heard him muttering.

“How the hell is it gonna fit in...?”

“Heard ya ~~”, he teasingly sang.

 

James tensed and buried his face in his hands. Thomas burst out laughing, and gently rubbed his round buttcheeks as a reassurance.

 

“Don’t worry Jemmy, I’m gonna prepare you nicely...”

James humphed and got back on his hands, looking nervously behind his shoulder. He raised a brow when he saw Jefferson sucking two of his own fingers.

 

“What the hell are you doing ?”

“Preparashion... You’ll shank me later...”

 

James rolled his eyes and Thomas chuckled. He placed one finger in front of the entrance, and James immediately tensed.

 

“Alright Jemmy, Imma need you to loosen it up a bit...”

Saying this, he gently rubbed a hand on his lover’s arched back, and the small man began to calm down.

Jefferson slid one finger in and waited.

 

“Everything fine ?”

“Yeah... just weird...”

 

He slid another finger, and felt James’ inside tensing up again. Madison growled.

“Don’t worry Jemmy... It’ll help when we get to serious business.”

 

Another groan answered him and Jefferson was reassured to see that James was still able to act as grumpy as he usually was. He chuckled lightly and began scissoring inside of him to loosen the walls.

When he considered that James was prepared enough, he gave a small thrust to hit the prostate, and Madison yelped.

 

Thomas couldn’t help but laugh when he saw his lover turning around with big surprised eyes.

 

“What was that ?”

“What was what ?”

“It felt good...”

“Yeah that’s the main point of it...”

“No but like, it was in my ass...”

“Yeah I noticed...”

 

James rolled his eyes, and Thomas blew him a little kiss.

“Love ya too Jemmy ~~”

“I didn’t think men had that kind of spot...”

“Ya know, I’d love to give you a little biological lesson, but I feel like it would be uncalled for considering that I have two fingers stuck up your ass right now...”

 

James blushed, but he chuckled softly.

“You are an idiot, Thomas Jefferson...”

The other man smiled widely and pulled his fingers out.

James felt empty and began eagerly twitching on his knees.

 

“Alright alright honey... I’m going in...”

 

Thomas positioned himself in front of the entrance. He took a moment to admire the glowing, dark and chubby body in front of him.

 

God he was truly beautiful...

 

That’s when he noticed that James had tensed up again. He was even shaking slightly.

Thomas’ chest tightened; Madison’s mind was probably playing off his abuse over and over again.

 

Jefferson placed a hand on his lower back, and James jolted under the surprise. Softly, he began rubbing him, drawing soothing circles on the chubby body.

He heard James taking a deep breathe.

“Thank you...”

“It’s okay darling... I’m here...”

 

James nodded.

Slowly, careful not to hurt him, Jefferson slid inside of Madison, waiting for him to tense down.

James was breathing heavily, tightly clutching his fists.

 

After a few seconds, Jefferson felt the walls around him loosening, and he began moving, very slowly.

Soon, he heard soft moans escaping Madison’s mouth, and he authorized himself to go a bit faster.

The moans turned into cries and Jefferson grabbed James’ shoulders to pull him closer to him.

 

“A-ah... It... It feels so-oh good !”

“F...fuck James you’re so tight...”

 

Jefferson went faster and faster, losing his mind to the pleasure he felt. Madison was now nothing more than a crying and moaning mess, drowned in the intense waves of pleasure that flew through his body.

Thomas was hitting his prostate over and over again, making him scream and beg.

 

“ThomAas ! Thomas please ! Oh my god ! Oh my god Thomas ! D...Don’t stop !”

 

Both men were approaching their limits, and in a final move, Jefferson clutched James ever so tightly against him as they both released their semen.

 

They remained motionless for a bit, panting heavily. Then Thomas removed himself from James’ behind and got down on his feet. He grabbed some pocket tissues and cleaned the two of them, making a mental note to clean the tissues before using them again.

 

He dressed up quickly, then looked over the peaceful body of his lover, laid on the desk.

Jefferson smiled fondly, and walked over to him. James’ eyes were closed, and he was probably very close to falling asleep.

Thomas pushed a few hair strands out of his face and gently rubbed his cheek.

Madison slowly opened his eyes, and looked at his lover.

 

“Come on, darlin’. Let’s get you dressed up.”

James reluctantly got to his feet, and Jefferson helped him dressing up. The poor man was barely able to stand straight. He seemed exhausted, ready to fall asleep any minute.

 

Thomas smiled and sat on his chair.

“Come there, sleepy head...”

He did not have to repeat himself. James sat on his knees and nuzzled his face into Thomas’ neck.

Jefferson’s heart melted when he noticed the other man was so small that his feet could barely touch the ground. He completely fitted in his lap.

 

James’ sleepy voice reached his ears.

“I love you Thomas...”

“I love you too, Jemmy James... but don’t fall asleep here or we’ll get in trouble.”

James chuckled feebly and looked up, his eyes full of love and exhaustion. He placed a sloppy kiss on his lover’s lips and smiled.

 

“I’m gonna need you to bring me home though...”

“Sure thing, honey ~”

 

*****

 

Thomas and James were walking side by side in the cold air of the night, lovingly cuddled into each other. At such an hour, few persons were on the streets, so they were safe.

James was laying against his lover, unable to walk straight. His eyelids were occasionally closing for a few seconds, and he would jolt awake briefly, making Thomas chuckle lightly.

Jefferson had passed an arm behind his shoulders, guiding him without looking too suspicious. But in his daze, James was completely forgetting about their situation, leaning in his partner’s warm heat with a tired smile.

Thomas could not help but smile. He felt strong, ready to protect the little man if anything was to happen to him.

As he was looking ahead, Jefferson caught a figure waving at them.

Aaron Burr seemed to have spotted them, and was now calling out their names.

James, who was still lazily laying against his lover, immediately straightened up and his muscles tensed.

Jefferson frowned: Burr walked up to them with a wide smile.

 

“Hey Jefferson, congrats on a race well-run ! I did give you a fight...”

Jefferson rolled his eyes. It was late at night, and all the guy had to do was to go and try to save his own ass.

 

“Huh huh...”

“I look forward to our partnership.”

“Our partnership ?”

“As your Vice President...”

 

Thomas frowned in disgust and Madison looked down.

 

“Yeah right... You hear this guy ? Man openly destroys my best friend, talkin’ “I look forward to our partnership”.”

Burr took a glance at Madison. Thomas saw the disapproval in his eyes, and had to stop himself from punching him.

 

“Your “best friend” kinda tried to rape two men in case you forgot...”

“Bullshit.”

“What ?”

“You don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

“What do you mean ?”

 

Thomas crossed his arms.

“Congratulations buddy, you’ve been fooled ! James never hurt a soul, Hamilton lied to you. He is the only asshole here.”

Burr angrily rolled his eyes.

“Come on, do you really want me to believe this ? You let your friendship blind you to reality.”

 

Jefferson, full of rage, could barely think about what he said.

“I got the letters to prove that Hamilton is an asshole. He used James before he used you.”

Next to him, James tensed.

 

“Well then show these letters to me. If he truly tried to use Madison too, maybe I’ll reconsider his honesty.”

Thomas stopped and looked at James. He did not want to cross any boundary.

The smaller man nodded dryly, too tired to bother getting mad.

 

“Follow us. We’ll show them to you.”

 

*****

 

Burr stood in front of Hamilton’s letters to Madison, staring at them in disbelief.

Thomas was standing next to James, discreetly patting his back to soothe his concern.

 

They had both decided telling Burr about the rape wasn’t necessary. It would make things harder for all of them. The letters were enough to prove Jefferson’s point anyway.

 

“How does Hamilton, this arrogant, immigrant, orphan, bastard, whore’ son, somehow dares to lie to me, his oldest friend, a man who’s been with him since the very beginning, just to destroy two political opponents...?”

“Well that’s a question you better ask him...” Jefferson pointed out, annoyed.

 

Burr looked up, eyes filled with remorse.

“Madison, I am so, so sorry to have spread such rumors about you...”

“It’s fine...”

“No ! No it’s not ! I am slow to anger, but I draw the line as I reckon with the effect of his life on others. If he thinks I’m such an idiot, he just has to name a time and place face to face.”

 

_Well, you kind of are an idiot since you believed him._

 

Burr seemed thoughtful for a second.

“Let’s say... Tomorrow. Weehawken. Dawn. Guns drawn.”

 

James and Thomas shared a look, doubtful. They did not expect things to go this way, and frankly they weren’t sure about the necessity of this outcome.

 

“You can’t challenge him from one day to the other. You have to try and find arrangements, and a doctor, and witnesses...” reminded James, trying to postpone the deadline so they could have more time to think about it.

“I’ll just go and see him. And I’ll spend the night searching for witnesses if I have to.”

 

Thomas felt his chest tightening up, and James clutched his fists.

Burr gave them a determined smile.

“Well then, thank you for opening my eyes gentlemen. I am again, deeply sorry...”

Burr opened the door and turned around, facing the two dumbfounded Virginians.

 

“If by tomorrow, Hamilton doesn’t answer for the accusations I lay at his feet, he’ll have to prepare to bleed.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics belong to Lin-Manuel Miranda
> 
> So I just wanted to write a little lemon with these two and it made me laugh to make James unexperienced.  
> Plus I felt like it could be a good way to make them talk about the rape again, make them try to live on...
> 
> See you next chapter !!! (I'll just post the end tonight lol)


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jefferson and Madison think about Hamilton's duel...
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Death
> 
> Read at your own risks

The next morning, Jefferson woke up with the first ray of sunlight that shone through Madison’s window. He had stayed to sleep at his house, considering that no one would bother anymore if he slept there once in a while. After all, Thomas had had the time to buy a much bigger house by now, much more presidential. He was no longer suspected.

The Virginian stretched and yawned, then took a glance at the sleeping figure of his lover. James was laying on his stomach, softly snoring. He seemed at peace, like a napping child.

Thomas smiled and laid down to place a small kiss on his cheek. Madison did not react, so Jefferson began covering his face and shoulders with butterfly kisses.

The little man began groaning, squirming sleepily under Thomas’ touch.

“T...Stop Thomas... let me sleep...”

“But I’m awake !”

“I don’t care...”

“Aaw yes you do ~”

“No I don’t...”

Thomas began rubbing his nose and cheeks on his lover’s dark back, like a purring cat.

 

“Jeeemmyyy wake uuup ~~”

He heard a loud growl and James turned around on his back, staring at him with pissed eyes.

Jefferson smiled childishly and placed a quick kiss on his lips.

“Mornin’ sleepy head ~~”

“Don’t you ever sleep ?”

“Not when you’re next to me.”

James rolled his eyes and pushed him gently to sit up.

He stretched and scratched his head.

 

“What time is it ?”

“Showtime I guess...”

James seemed perplex.

“What do you mean ?”

Thomas turned away to stare out of the window.

 

“If Burr managed to arrange himself, his duel with Hamilton will begin any minute now...”

“Oh...”

 

Both men stayed silent for a bit, thoughtful.

“It’s strange, that neither you or I thought about duelling him sooner...”

“I’m against duels, you know that Thomas...”

Jefferson nodded. He looked away.

 

“How many kids does he have ?”

“Eight, I think.”

 

James’ eyes darkened.

 

“Well... seven now...”

“I heard Eacker shot at seven instead of ten... Guess Hamilton was never meant to reach eight, in duel or in children...”, Thomas nervously joked.

 

The silence stretched for a bit.

 

“Eliza will be devastated...” James added, and Jefferson nodded.

Thomas took a deep breath.

“The man helped our country...”

“True...”

 

They looked at each other, both battling against their thoughts. On one side, painful memories kept them from seeing Hamilton as human. On the other side, they both knew the man wanted to redeem himself.

“Thomas, I’ll never forgive him...”

“I know, me neither...”

“What he’s done is unforgivable...”

“Completely...”

“But...”

 

James’ eyes shifted away.

“We should go and try to get these two to think twice about what they’re going to do... Most disputes die and no one shoots after all...”

Thomas nodded.

 

“Let’s go then...”

 

*****

 

The two Virginian were silently walking side by side, bathing in the first rays of dawn. They walked very close to each other, but each of them was lost in deep thoughts.

 

Hamilton helped the country.

 

_Abuse._

 

Hamilton had a family.

 

_Rape._

 

Hamilton wanted to redeem himself.

 

_Pamphlet._

 

So many factors were opposing each other in their thoughts, but one thing stood out _:_ taking someone’s life was something you couldn’t shake.

Plus Burr was Jefferson’s Vice President. He couldn’t afford such a scandal at the very beginning of his mandate.

Jefferson felt guilty.

 

_I should have stopped him yesterday._

 

Duels were illegal. But when Burr had told them he would confront Hamilton, Jefferson never thought about stopping him. Something stopped him, just like it stopped him from trying to talk Philip out of duelling…

Maybe deep inside he wanted Hamilton to be hurt… Because he had hurt him, had hurt James, and deserved to pay for it.

 

Now everything Jefferson could hope for was to arrive on time.

 

That was, until he saw Angelica and Elizabeth Schuyler rushing into a doctor’s cabinet, crying.

 

Thomas’ chest tightened and he spared a quick glance at Madison. The small man’s brows were furrowing nervously.

They both walked into the cabinet, and found the door of Hamilton’s room by listening to Eliza’s cries.

Thomas passed his head behind the door and stared in disbelief at the scene before him.

 

Hamilton was laying on his back, teary eyed, speaking slowly without even stopping to catch his breath. Eliza was holding his hands tightly, and Angelica was supporting her sister by grabbing her shoulders.

 

Thomas was ready to back down, to give them privacy, when Hamilton saw him. His eyes widened.

“Jefferson ! Jefferson please come in I beg you !”

His voice was shaking, choked by blood and sobs.

Thomas hesitated, especially when he saw the look of sheer surprise on the Schuyler sisters’ faces, but walked in slowly anyway.

 

“Is James here ? Is he here ?”

Jefferson stopped by his bed and took a nervous glance at the door behind him. Madison’s face appeared in the doorframe, tensed.

“Yes. Yes I am here.”

“Come closer, come closer please...”

 

Madison seemed unsure, but Hamilton’s voice sounded so desperate that he finally approached. The small man stood very close to Thomas, shaking slightly.

 

Hamilton sobbed, a sad smile on his lips.

“Eliza, Angelica, my dearests, could you please... _cough_... could you please give us five minutes ?”

Elizabeth’s eyes widened, but Hamilton feebly stroke her hand.

She smiled painfully and got up.

 

“Come Angelica, let’s fetch the children...”

 

Thomas watched her leaving the room with her sister. She was a strong woman. She had understood that her husband would not live through the day, and took the difficult decision to warn her children about it.

 

Hamilton was shaking, wide eyes tearing up under the stress and pain.

“Madison… Madison I’m so sorry for putting you in such jeopardy with the pamphlet... and I’m also sorry about everything else... I know you won’t forgive me but... but I wanted to apologize, to both of you.”

 

The two Virginians shared a look and nodded carefully. Hamilton was right, they could not forgive him, ever. So they just nodded, to show that at least they acknowledged the excuse.

  


“Please… Please don’t hate John for help… helping me… He likes you he… I convinced it to help me… I… I took advantage of his feelings for me...”

The dying man’s eyes widened and he seemed completely panicked.

“B-But I loved him too ! I still do I promise ! And… please don’t let him down… not now… tell him I loved him… Please he’ll listen to you...”

His gaze darkened.

“I… I have always destroyed everyone around me… but I want him to move on… to have a chance of living a good life…”

Alexander was struggling to breathe. His chest was going up and down at an unsteady rhythm. The doctor had done all he could, and had left the room to respect the family’s intimacy by now.

James nodded, his eyes shining with tears. Jefferson gently took his hand and squeezed it. Who was he crying for ? Was it out of pain ? Because of his memories ? For Hamilton ? For John ? The new President wished he could share his burden right now, dry his tears and soothe his sorrow.

When he felt his lover’s touch on his hand, James sobbed and tried to let out a small, low answer.

“I promise.”

Hamilton smiled weakly, then groaned in pain, and Madison looked away. Thomas frowned. No matter what, seeing this man in such a state pained him terribly.

 

“You know, Jefferson... I have always imagined death so much it felt more like a memory... I... I always thought “Is this where it gets me ? On my feet ? Several feet ahead of me ?” Today I saw it coming, should I have run, or fired my gun, or let it be ?”

Thomas shook his head, unable to come up with an answer.

Hamilton chuckled lightly, and coughed. When he came back to his senses, he sighed.

 

“There is no beat... no melody... Burr was my first friend, my enemy... If he had seen that I had thrown away my shot, is it how he would have remembered me ?”

 

Alexander stopped, then stared into the void.

 

“What if this bullet is my legacy ?”

 

His eyes widened, and he grabbed Jefferson’ sleeve. Thomas and James looked at each other, feeling terrible. They could not answer. They simply couldn’t. They didn’t even know what to say...

Tears began streaming down Hamilton’s face.

“What is a legacy ? It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see... I wrote some notes the beginning of a song someone will sing for me !”

  


It was a devastating scene to watch. The man with so much to say was now questioning the real meaning of a purpose he had tried to serve for during his whole life.

  


Hamilton began shouting, gripping Jefferson’ sleeve even tighter.

“America ! You great unfinished symphony you sent for me ! You help me make a difference, a place where even orphans immigrants can leave their finger prints and rise up !”

 

Jefferson heard the sobs and cries of the Hamilton family coming in the hallway.

He freed himself from Alexander’s grip and grabbed James’ sleeve.

“Let’s leave...”

Madison nodded, tears prickling in his eyes.

 

“I’m running out of time... I’m running out of time and my time’s up ! Wise up ! Eyes up !”

 

Hamilton’s face was soaked with tears and his eyes were wide open. A smile appeared on his face.

 

“I catch a glimpse of the other side...”

Jefferson choked on a sob, and Madison held his hand tightly.

Eliza Hamilton, her sister, the doctor and all the remaining Hamilton children barged into the room, crying.

 

No one paid attention to the two Virginians, hand in hand, crying on the doorstep. Where they crying for the dying men or for his family ? For themselves ? For his pain ? Was their reaction only due to the shocking aspect of this scene ? Or, was it because suddenly, a dramatic chapter of their life came to an end ?

 

“My son is on the other side, he’s with my mother on the other side ! Washington is watching from the other side !”

 

Once everyone was sitting next to the dying man, Jefferson and Madison could not help but stare in disbelief at the tragic scene in front of them, tears dripping down their faces.

Hamilton was dying. Their abuser was dying. Soon everything will be over. The tears streaming down their faces were washing away the remaining pain linked to this period of their life.

 

“Teach me how to say goodbye ! Rise up rise up rise up !”

 

The doctor was trying to find medicine to calm down the suffering man.

Soon the pain will be gone. For everyone. Hamilton’s agony: over. The Virginians’ abuser: over. No medicine could soothe what only death could end.

 

Jefferson looked away.

“Please James, let’s leave...”, he sobbed.

Madison nodded.

They opened they door, and Jefferson turned around one last time.

 

He was shocked to see that Hamilton was smiling at him.

 

“My love take your time... I’ll see you on the other side...”

 

*****

 

When they got out of the cabinet, the street was quiet. A few people were whispering, and you could hear that the news of Hamilton’s death had already spread across the city.

 

Madison took a quick look at Jefferson. He was aloof and quiet, staring at the ground.

“Are you okay ?”

Thomas’ eyes widened, and he looked at James, his eyes red with tears.

“Yes... I... I need to go find Burr...”

Madison seemed surprised.

“Oh... You’re sure you have to ?”

“Yes, I’ll be back at your house soon...”

“... okay then...”

 

James watched as he saw Jefferson walking away with a fake smile on his lips.

The small Virginian was left alone in the middle of the streets, thoughtful.

He had clearly seen the sheer concern and despair on Jefferson’s face, and he knew that his lover had had a crush on the dead man.

But he wasn’t angry. He felt numb. He knew Thomas was his, knew that he had always loved him.

So letting him pay his last respect to Hamilton was the least he could do for both the dying man and his own lover.

 

That’s when James remembered that there was actually someone else who loved Alexander, and was probably unaware of his death.

 

_John. I need to find him._

 

He hadn’t seen him since the pamphlet came out, but Madison knew he had to go and announce his lover’s death to him. He had promised it...

 

His house wasn’t far away, he had moved out of Hamilton’s lodgement a few weeks ago.

When he arrived on his doorstep, James took a deep breath and knocked.

Not long after, the door opened and Laurens’ surprised face appeared.

“J-James ? What... what are you doing here ?”

“Hey John... it’s been a while...”

The freckled man frowned in shame.

“Listen James I wanted to apologize... It was stupid of me to lie about you just to help Alex... I was blinded by love and I acted like an ass... I’m unworthy of being your friend anymore I-”

“Don’t say stupid things... what’s done is done... I don’t hate you Laurens...”

 

John blinked. He seemed relieved, still a bit nervous though.

“Really ?”

“Of course”, James smiled weakly.

 

John sighed in relief, but then seemed to notice the pained expression on the smaller man’s face.

“Is everything okay ?”

 

James looked away.

“Listen John... I came here for a reason... which will probably hurt you a lot...”

Laurens gulped. He nervously scratched his neck.

“What... What is it ?”

James stared at him, then took a deep breath.

 

“Hamilton and Burr went on a duel this morning... Hamilton was shot... I’m sorry...”

 

John’s face went livid. James saw his fist tightening up.

 

“He... he is...”

“Yes, I’m so sorry John...”

 

A single tear dropped down Laurens’ face.

  


“He… He asked me to tell you that he… he loved you. He seemed genuine about it. He wants you to move on, and to be happy. He’s sorry for using you too...”

John lowered his head.

“You… you saw him ?”

“Yes. Thomas and I saw him in the doctor’s office, and when he spotted us he apologized. For everything. Then, he told us to go and tell you he loved you.”

The freckled man choked back a sob and frowned.

  


“How can I know… How can I know he was honest this time ? He lied to me… He used me… And… and he’s always loved Thomas...”

James’ chest tightened. How could he try the defend the man who tortured him ?

“Laurens, he genuinely wanted to be redeemed… At least seemed to… He apologized to Thomas and I… He seemed devastated… We don’t have to forgive him, _you d_ on’t have to forgive him but… but that is a fact… Plus, he thought about you when he was on the verge of death, John… You were his very last thought.”

He remembered Hamilton’s last words.

  


_My love take your time… I’ll see you on the other side…_

  


Was he talking about Laurens ? Elizabeth ?

  


_Thomas ?_

  


He shook his head. Now was not the time to debate. Laurens didn’t need anymore sorrow.

  


John looked at the ground in disbelief for a few seconds, then smiled weakly at James.

“I see...Thank you for telling me about it...”

“If you need anything, I’m always here...”

“Thank you… but… but now if you will excuse me...”

He turned around and began closing the door. Just before it was completely shut, James caught a glimpse of his face, shining with tears.

 

“... I have so much work to do...”

 

*****

 

“Aaron ! Aaron wait !”

 

Thomas ran up to reach Burr’ side. The other man seemed devastated. He had a bottle of whisky in one hand, and a piece of luggage in the other.

His eyes were glassy, he had obviously cried.

  


“Mister President...”

“Where the hell are you going ?”

Burr looked away.

“Far. I’m going far away.”

Thomas nodded.

“Yes, you’d better hide...”

 

Jefferson had tried to find Burr to yell at him, or to talk to him, or to reassure him. He wasn’t sure. He couldn’t think anymore. Why was he even there ? Was he even mad at Burr ? What did he want to do ? Arrest him ? Punch him ?

  


“I shot him right between his ribs.”

 

Thomas looked up. Burr was looking at the horizon, crying.

“I walked towards him but I was hushed away... I saw Angelica and Eliza...”

Thomas nodded.

“They were both at his sides when he died.”

 

_Died._

 

He choke back a sob.

  


Burr turned to face him.

“Hamilton was wearing his glasses, you know. Why ? If not to take deadly aim...”

Thomas shook his head, and Burr sobbed.

“It was him or me, the world was never going to be the same. I had only one thought before the slaughter...”

His voice broke.

 

“... this man was not going to make an orphan of my daughter...”

 

Burr sniffled and looked away.

And just like that, Thomas put a hand on his shoulder. Aaron tensed up, then looked back at him. He continued rambling, shaking, sobbing.

 

“Death doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints... It takes and it takes and it takes...”

He was trembling like a leaf. Thomas tried to smile at him, to soothe him, but his lips were too tensed.

“I know...”

“When Alexander aimed at the sky, he may have been the first one to die, but I’m the one who’ll pay for it...”

He continued, almost whispering. His voice broke again.

  


“I survived but I’ll pay for it...”

He took a deep shaky breath and walked away from Jefferson’s touch. Burr turned to face him.

“I will leave now... I’ll try to start a new life somewhere else...”

“Wise decision”, Jefferson nodded.

He could barely think. He was numb, thoughtful. He probably should have stopped him, should have brought him to court.

But he couldn’t.

 

Aaron turned around.

“I’m the villain in his history now... I was too young and blind to see...”

Thomas looked up, and faced Burr’s last smile. Fake. Pained.

 

“I should have known the world was wide enough for both Hamilton and me...”

 

Jefferson thought about it for a long time. Burr was long gone when he looked up at the sky.

The sun was bright, shining on a new day, a new story. The previous chapter was over.

The world was indeed, very wide. Maybe Hamilton would have thought twice about using violence to fly above his station if he had known it... Maybe he’ll be alive if Burr had known it...

 

Thomas took a deep breath. New York’s air was slowly waving through his locks, caressing his skin.

This country was so young.

It was going to rise, to fall, to break, to make a million mistakes...

 

But in the end, it was only the beginning of its history.

 

_Whatever happens, the sun comes up, and the world still spins._

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics belong to Lin-Manuel Miranda
> 
> Sooooo here we are ? I'll post the epilogue of course but it is really short  
> Everything is sad lolol  
> In your opinion, who was Hamilton talking about when he said "My love take your time..." ??? It's kinda open isn't it ?
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting !!!


	20. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is President. Everything is fine now... or is it ?
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: mention of rape and of death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: mention of rape and of death

Jefferson watched as Madison was being acclaimed as new President of the United States.

A few years had passed since Hamilton’s death, and so much had changed.

Mulligan and Layette went back to France together, and Laurens left with them to start a new life. No one had heard about Burr for a long time. Elizabeth Hamilton and Angelica Schuyler Church were working together, protecting Hamilton’s legacy. Both women spoke out against slavery, and raised funds for the Washington’s Monument in DC and the first private orphanage in New York City.

Thomas smiled, happy that everyone was going on with their lives in the best way possible.

He looked back at James, prouder than ever to see his small lover looking so smart and powerful. The rumors about him had quickly died out with Hamilton’s death, and Jefferson could not be more relieved.

Madison spotted him in the crowd of congressmen, and smiled fondly. Jefferson chuckled and smirked. The same smirk that James used to make when Thomas was winning an argument.

Today, Madison had won his big debate, his big challenge.

He was now ready to lead the nation.

 

_Told you that we would both help our country growing up, Jemmy..._

 

*****

 

When the day was over, Thomas went to Madison’s house to celebrate his election in private.

They both sat on his couch, cuddled into each other, silently enjoying each other’s presence.

 

Jefferson was the one who broke the silence.

“Do you think we have done enough Jemmy ?”

The chubby Virginian looked at him, surprised.

“What do you mean ?”

“Eliza is telling Hamilton’s story... but will they tell ours ?”

Madison chuckled lightly.

“We are Presidents. Of course they’ll tell our stories...”

Thomas nodded thoughtfully.

  


“But have we done enough ?”

James went silent for a second. Thomas continued to explain his feeling.

“Hamilton’s financial system is a work of genius, I couldn’t undo it if I tried. And... I tried. Plus he did leave us with good credit...”

“Yes, he took our country from bankrupt seed to prosperity... I hate to admit it, but he doesn’t get enough credit for all the credit he gave us...”

 

Both men went silent for a second.

 

“Do you...”, continued Jefferson, “Do you remember when he asked us if the bullet that signed his death would be his only legacy ?”

“Yeah…?”

“And when he asked us what was a legacy ?”

“Yes, yes I do. What’s you point ?”

 

Thomas looked away. He passed his arm around his lover’s shoulders.

“Nothing, that’s the problem. I thought about it a lot. And yet, I have no answer whatsoever concerning the future...”

Madison looked down. It was true in some ways... He had never thought about what their lives would be remembered as... Will the future generations remember their work positively ? Will they only remember their death ?

 

That’s when he heard Jefferson coughing violently.

James looked at him, concerned.

 

_Death._

 

Jefferson’s whole body was shaken by his coughing fit.

Madison remembered his father, dying a few months after having shown such symptoms...

It could be nothing. Just a simple cough...

 

But James thought about their legacies again.

 

_Death._

 

Jefferson dying. When ?

Was he sick ?

He looked sick.

 

It could be nothing.

 

It could be everything.

 

Jefferson saw his concern and smiled at him with glassy eyes.

 

_A fever ?_

 

“Don’t worry too much about me, Jemmy...”

“But you look sick...”

“I’ll be fine.”

“But-”

Thomas did not let him speak. He placed a soft kiss on his lips, and Madison calmed down. He couldn’t dare to imagine a life without Thomas. They had been through so much together. They had lost each other, then found each other again. Times were so peaceful lately that they could almost forget about the nightmare they had been through. And yet, the consequences were still present, somewhere inside them. Through their loving gazes and their tender kisses. Through their sleepless nights and their panic attacks. Through their discussions, late at night, when one of them had woken up crying and decided to visit the other one’s house…

They were still haunted by these memories, it was for sure. And yet, as long as Jefferson was by his side, everything would be fine. James knew it. James believed it.

 

“You know James, thinking about it, there are only a few things that we truly know in this life...”

James looked up. Thomas was lovingly staring at him. He felt himself flushing.

God he was so lucky to have him in his life.

He could not bear to lose him.

  


Thomas coughed again.

  


_Death._

  


Never. Never without him.

  


Jefferson steadied his breathing and smiled weakly, trying to reassure James.

  


_Death._

  


Please. Not him.

 

The tall Virginian continued to speak. Madison remained silent, listening.

“We know about science, about history... I also know that if I die after you, or let’s say, ten years before you, life will go on without me anyway...”

 

James felt his throat tightening. Was it true ? Could he live without Thomas ?

 

“You know, maybe that’s why we couldn’t answer to Hamilton on his deathbed. Maybe because we don’t know the answers to all our concerns about our legacies or futures... Our country is young, its story is only beginning. We are the first ones to help it take its first steps, but other people will continue to help it grow up after us...”

 

He suddenly stopped, and smiled fondly at James.

“There is only one thing that I truly know James, it’s that I love you.”

James smiled and kissed him slowly.

Thomas hugged him tightly, putting his nose in the crook of his neck.

 

“And for the rest...”

 

He took a deep breath, smelling the sweet scent of his chubby lover, then moved back to face him. He had a soft smile on his lips. A soft, melancholic smile.

James, a bit nervous, waited for his answer, but Thomas was only staring at him silently.

Loving, sad smile.

 

“And for the rest ?”

 

Thomas approached him even closer. They were an inch away, staring down into each others’ souls.

 

Loving, oh so loving eyes...

 

“For the rest James, we have no control who lives who dies who tells our stories....”

  


  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics belong to Lin-Manuel Miranda
> 
> Thomas Jefferson died ten years before James... So that's why ahah
> 
> Thank you for reading ! It's finally over, with a bitter sweet ending lol... Hope you enjoyed this suppperr sad story anyway !  
> I was a bit nervous about posting it because of obvious reasons hehe
> 
> So I tried to keep close to the musical's songs if you noticed, with quotes and everything... Hope you enjoyed it !
> 
> Thank you for your kind comments ! I'm working on another Jeffmads story, which will also be a Mulette and Lams (less Jeffmads centric but they remain my babies so lolol), so I'll keep you updated
> 
> If you have suggestions of one-shots, don't hesitate to ask !
> 
> Don't hesitate to comment also ! See you all soon ~~~~


End file.
